Help

Dear E,

I will reply since I was the last to post before you.

First of all, I hope your daughter is now okay.

I think it is essential that you make as much research as possible to understand your husband’s illness. I do understand that it could be challenging in the state you are in and with 5 children. 

It is NOT an excuse but understanding could help you to make the right decisions (in a way or another). I’m sure you are going to get plenty of replies of readers who know about it even more than me.

Your husband is ‘ill’, addicted. From what I have read ultimatums don’t work and ONLY him can decide to get help.

You have not given too much details about your situation but YOU PUT YOURSELF first. And your kids.

candy xx

Hi E

just breathe, just concentrate on yourself and the kids.

You can call gamcare and talk.

You can call stepchange and ask for advice.

Don’t worry about the debt, don’t repay anything.

food, bills mortgage come first.

confide in someone, you can’t deal with this alone.

you have to be selfish, you have to be the person to manage the house and the kids.

please get some help and support.

one minute at a time. You are understandably in shock.

Just remember to keep your days as normal as possible, daily life has to continue. Don’t be drawn into the drama.

I have contacted gam care. I have an assesment on Wednesday. 

I have the most wonderful friends, we both do. I just finding it difficult to talk to them at the moment. But I am in touch via messages. 

I have contacted the children's schools because they need support. 

Husband has an assessment on wed and is going to a meeting on Tuesday. 

I am in a constant  state of worry. Worry that he won't come home, the impact of that would be absolutely devastating. 

I just can't see the wood for the trees. Then I have to try and go to work. Sort the normal everyday things out, I am struggling to do just the normal things. 

One thing at a time I know. I know the finances will take care of themselves eventually. The mortgage/bills are all paid and will be moving forward. 

The debt is a worry but I know can be sorted. 

The trust is completely and utterly broken. I have never trusted him since last time. 

I will also support but how that looks I have no idea either. I don't know how can have a marriage with irretrievable trust issues. Do you ever trust again? I don't know 

I also worry about him, he is feeling so terrible and I can't imagine how that feels to bear that guilt. 

He didn't tell me tho, I found out. If I had not found out then he would still be doing it and it would have been the house next etc etc. I can't get things out of my head. It's a complete and utter mess in every way! 

Thank you for your reply. I do understand it's an illness. Or I am trying to. I know I am not helping either. Keep saying the wrong things and making him feel even worse. So I am not helping in the slightest 

@s70h6bcyif it is progressive this is what helped me to understand it (once again it is NOT an excuse). And ‘invisible’ which makes it even more difficult to see/guess.

Like any other addiction relapses seem to happen a lot. Perhaps your husband thought he was getting better and stopped getting help? Which again seems to happen with any addiction (relapses) once addicts think that they are getting better. 

Are you doing something about your panic attacks as you think your are experiencing them? I know how they can be…

Candy x

@lw9tnjzs3h I haven't as yet. I have never experienced anything like it. I will contact the GP at some point. Not sure when. Maybe it's a normal reaction to the shock of it all. 

Looking back he didn't access the help for long enough at all. We are talking 8 years ago. But it's always been on my mind that it could happen again. So definitely not long term help, talking maybe a few months. He says he realises now that it's an illness and it's not going to go away. He has promised to get the support and continue it. But our whole relationship/marriage has been a web of lies hasn't it. In my mind he could have shouted for help when it was getting out of hand. Work had asked him, I asked him, friends had asked him. I say friends I don't actually know these people. He has always kept work and me completely separate so I don't know any of the people he has asked for money from. Not a clue. 

Our friends would have alerted me to it. The people he has had money from at least one knew he had issues in the past. Is that not a red flag. Not trying to blame anyone else. I don't know them. I just find everything all a bit odd and I can't trust anything at all. 

We got married then a year later renewed our vows and I forgave it all. But this time it's just a million times worse. 

I think the stress of last year has been the catalyst. But again why not ask for help. To anyone. 

@s70h6bcyif it all sounds familiar …I was not even near your situation but the addict was close and very ‘precious’ to me and I do question the whole relationship as well now. We are not in touch anymore and I think that it could have gone even worst to be honest (in terms of money, lies etc…). I will never know.

Do drug addicts ask for help? Most of the times the answer is no until it becomes too late. Compulsive gamblers are the same it seems. And it is progressive as stated earlier  which makes it even worst.

You said the house is under control which is the MOST important thing right now . And don’t worry about ‘if’ you didn’t discover it on time as you did discover it on time and the roof above your head is saved.

‘Web of lies’ does sound familiar as well. Trust might not be /won’t be the same definitely. He most probably lied to his friend to get the money and his friend might not know that he was relapsing or that it was an ongoing issue. They lie extremely well as you would know. 

Do something about your panic attacks as you won’t be able to totally function properly and think when you get them. 

My friend has been dysfunctional since I have been knowing him and a few years ago I learnt where the dysfunction came from. This has helped me to forgive but deceit will remain. This is why I suggested that perhaps you try to know where is the dysfunction from as it will help you to move forward (in my case it helped).

You will need to decide how YOU want YOUR future (and therefore your kids’ one).

@lw9tnjzs3h when you say dysfunction do you mean the reason behind the addiction? I think I have an idea. But that's for him to work out, it's a guessing game for me.

@s70h6bcyif I, indeed, meant that yes by ‘dysfunction’: The reason/trauma/ cause behind your husband’s addiction. 

From searches I have made, podcasts which I have listened to,  talks with my therapists, psychiatrists friends etc…the main issue with treating addictions (any type) is that it is first a very long process, lots of relapses, sticking to a hobby to avoid relapses etc…and MAINLY that the addiction in itself is treated BUT not the reason/cause/ trauma behind the addiction which inevitably enables relapses. I don’t know if it makes sense? If the trauma remains the addiction will ‘come back’ or/and stay. Treating the addiction and treating the trauma are different from what I have understood. 

And it is ‘indeed’ for your husband to work it out (I came to the exact same conclusion with my friend).

And this is also why I was able to leave it behind and understand that I needed to prioritise myself.

Once again E, my situation was totally different , no marriage, no kids, the amount he borrowed was not that big etc…but I suddenly realise that I was not entirely sure to ‘really’ know this person after 25 years. Then 2 years ago, he told me something which happened to him in his childhood and everything became clear. I also realised that he was swapping from an addiction to another every time he told me that he was doing better. 

And at the end of the day it is you and the kids first. We are not responsible for other people as much as we might love them. We can help but not save I have learnt.

Candy xxx

@lw9tnjzs3h thank you so much for your replies today. I think I have an incling of why, but there could be other things. To be honest I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I am going crazy. 

The kids are back at school tomorrow, routine will be good for them and everyone I think. 

As well as everything else I am now trying to sort out the finances. I know they will mend and we will have to go without a few things. That I can live with. 

How can someone take over 10k from their own child is absolutely beyond me. Especially when she has been poorly. I suppose that says how ill he actually has been.  Support yes, understand I don't think i will ever get over it. I am literally heartbroken emotionally. The debt in my name I could live with if the other money was still there. 

I don't know right now what the future holds for any of us. I hope he can get better and forgive himself somehow I hope I can too. But right now I feel numb/sick/scared just every single emotion all in the space of a few minutes a day. 

@s70h6bcyif I relate so much about the emotions. Numb/sick were some of them. It went away. 

It seems that you are doing quite well in terms of sorting out the finances and letting the school know for someone who thinks that she is going crazy 😉.

The last thing I would suggest (or perhaps more if it can help): I got/learnt A LOT reading from the post called ‘I don’t think things will ever change’ (don’t freak out with the title of the post before reading it!!!) on this forum . Scroll down it is on page 1 below our posts.

I think it relates more to ‘women in your case’ if I might say as it is about their husbands’ long term gambling addictions, married for a while, the dysfunction, how to take care of themselves as ‘gamblers’ wives’ etc…I thought of you when rethinking about it . 

Regarding the 10K he stole from my daughter: My therapist friend told me that compulsive gamblers will even steal their parents…I think we understand what he meant.

Candy xxx

I learnt something new here i am glad i stumbled on this thread i am currently on day 651 days without a bet i have been trying to quit since 2011 when i started going Ga i totally agree with Candy until u get to the root off the problem it a very difficult situation although i have improved i still manage to relapse this addiction can catch me out anytime i generally have an addicted personality so even though i have been clean for a while i have to keep my mind occupied doint things and coming on here keeps my mind fresh to not place the next bet, i will never be cured has i did manage 3 years before a major relapse however saying this their are few people i have spoken to who havent had a bet in decades so it is possible to remain gamble free 99% of the people do relapses for many reasons i quit smoking 12 years ago and a drug habit 15 years ago never relapsed however gambling been a diff ball game i have had therpy councelling been to Ga now using gamcare has a final straw and im still not convinced it the end of my issue i still follow the basic principle as of today i will not gamble i wish their was some remedy that could kill up any urgues however unless your an addict it very hard to understand why a relapse could happen