Help my fiancГ© is gambling I don't know what to do

Hi, just sat here reading your comments and feeling at absolute breaking point-feeling almost dirty about the shame I'm hiding abouty boyfriends gambling habit! We also never go places unless I pay or go out with my friends. The lies, manipulation are exactly what I'm experiencing! He also has a daughter from a previous relationship and when he has her, I too feel guilt tripped in to buying her things. Things were ok for a while whilst I was handling his wages, but now he he has gone self employed and money is going into his account and he has just gambled £1300 in the last week and had had to take out a loan to pay for Christmas.

I feel so low-I'm constantly making excuses to mum about things because of him and just can't cope with this anymore. I really don't know what to do for the best-i don't know whether to give him another chance or what to do! Just want to cry

🙁

Hi Anna,

Way to go girlie! So good to see he is giving it his all, as he starts to prove himself you will be able to relax a little more & as you learn to trust him again so he will be able to trust himself.

I hope you don't mind me replying to the above but Helpagirl34 does not have a thread...Helpagirl34, you need support! You are not the one that should feel ashamed, it is he who has the problem. You must look after yourself as whilst he is gambling, he will be very distracted & not up to the job. I hate to hear what sadness our addiction brings to others & although I am not qualified to advise you, I am going to suggest: either he turns the money straight over to you when he gets paid (as that helped before) or tell him you will have to tell your Mum because you shouldn't have to make excuses for him & you need someone to talk to!

Best wishes to you both & may we all get to Christmas without gambling - ODAAT

Of course I don't mind ODATT. I'm happy for anyone to give advice on this thread. Your support has certainly helped a lot through my journey.

Hi helpagirl34 I'm glad you've come on here to get some support. I can tell you that I felt exactly the same even two weeks ago. The lies and the way they manipulate you is so hurtful. I got so angry that he could do this to us. You feel like there is no where to turn as you don't want to tell anyone there secret. I have actually kept it to myself. Whether that's right or wrong. I've made sure all his friends and family know not to lend him money without saying it directly. He has no other means of borrowing from banks so I know there is no other way of him getting money to gamble. There is so much help for you and him. I've found writing on this thread had helped me gain insight into the disease get support for myself.

I would say you need to get control on his money again. If it's paid into different account take the debit card off him and make sure your only person who can access online. Make sure you don't give in to any demands for money. This has been the hardest for me as I always use to bail him out. Even two weeks in feeling better for sticking to my plan. Then give him as little money as possible to live on so what I do give petrol money then want to see receipt afterwards. Is your partner at the point were he knows he needs help? We've just started making progress as he now admits he's has a problem and doesnt want to live his life like this.

I wish I could tell you it's been easy but it hasn't. I question what he tells me he's done with money and I'm still dreading his payday. But I do believe he will turn this around for me and for him and our future so I continue to stand by him and give him support. There is also helpline number which was really useful when I felt upset or really low. Hope he finds the courage and strength to best this for you and him.

I'm really annoyed today. I'm sick of being the person expected to bail him out all the time. I really lost it with him. Now he's saying going to go out gamble make the money up. I just think that's joke and I'm feeling like go on then do it then pack your bags I can be free of this. I'm tired fed up not being put first. All the help he's received goes out the window when doesn't get what he wants. Once again another example how selfish he's been. Maybe he should've thought of what money he needed all month b4 he went bookies gambled the whole of his wages away.

I didn't realise how angry I still felt about what has happened. Maybe I do need to speak to professionals as so easy to just loose it throw it bck in there face.

But also as I've had time to sit bck realised that it was me who lost it. Mixture tireness feeling bit homesick as I'm away.

He did threaten to gamble but I'm hoping this was just words. He won't go into the bookies. Today has made me realise this isn't going to be magically alright over night it's only been two weeks. I know tomorrow I'll be bck to my positive self and ready to be there for him.

Its tough with highs and lows along the way.

Hi, thanks it's so nice knowing and reading what others have exactly the same and are sick of being the one to bail him out everytime!

No he doesn't think he needs help-after everything of the last 2 weeks he went out again and gambled yesterday-after borrowing money off his new boss and yes he did win a large amount of money £2000 but tonight straight away back on the fruit machines. I've told him it's over and he doesn't seem to care.

Anna15 I really hope that things work out for you.

i just wish there was a magic pill to stop this awful disease

x

Anna,

You were not throwing it back in his face @ all...On the contrary, he was threatening to & you stood your ground. I actually think that's something to be proud of even if you felt you went a bit over the top. He has to realise how much he's hurt you & I was so hoping that he was in a place where he wanted to help himself because you cannot do this for him. I personally think there's a huge difference between him telling you he's getting urges & he wants to gamble to him saying he is planning on going to make it up. I would love him to prove me wrong but I'm not sure he is ready for recovery.

Look after you - ODAAT

For both ladies struggling this is a terrible disease and it often doesn't get better until you lose everything. I'm not trying to discourage you, just trying to give my honest opinion. I was similar but not quite as bad and since I stopped gambling mainly on sports, I have been a much better dad and husband. I am so much happier and don't have the crazy mood swings I used to experience. I'm sure your partners are really great if they didn't have the gambling bug. The best way to get them to stop is to find the emotion that makes them gamble. Some people it's for the action some might be the rush of placing a bet ect. Once you know it's easier to stop. For me it was making money and I was hooked on the feeling I was alive when I lost all my money. I know it sounds weird but that was my emotion. Once I understood this I was able to stop and I started saving 5% of my pay which made me feel like a winner. I wish you luck.

Hi All,

It's so difficilt isnt it, you want to help them and support them as much as you can whilst at the same time you are battling with your own emotions. Anna thank you for replying on my thread, like you one moment I feel so strong and feel as though we can combat this then the next I have a wobble and a panic and think is this what our whole life is going to revolve around, am I always going to be his minder?
I also stay away with work occasionally abd this panics me because while im at home I can monitor him and I suppose feel like I've got a little bit of control over the situation but when im away I haven't got a clue and I have to believe what he says and as you know it's hard to believe them when you have been lied to so much.
what has helped me this time round is my parents and his parents knowing (it was his choice to tell them) his mum has been great and checks up on himon a daily basis which takes some of the pressure from me. Can you talk to anyone?
Helpagirl a feel for you my husband and I have been through this but it's not until now hes admitted the problem and has taken it upon himself to get in motions the start to recovery that things have moved on. We dealt with it between us and before I wanted him to get help but he denied he had a problem so we just got on with things and it sort of became the elephant in the room. I think your partner needs to hit that wall and want the help for the time being keep doing what you are doing and be aware of his movements and moods - never underestimate your gut feeling! They do care and love us but it's the disease which makes them like this I am still coming to terms with this.

I also wish there was a way we could magic it away how wonderful that would be!