Help needed: where to start with the practicalities of having a husband that gambles?

Hi Starmix, welcome to the forum.

Firstly, let me congratulate you on your new arrival 🙂 & secondly, wow, you must be exhausted 🙁

I’m not sure I have any useful advice & the helpline are probably your best bet @ the minute. The standard advice is for you to take over the finances & to get yourself some real life support from loved ones, counselling (GamCare can provide this free) & GamAnon meetings but having a newborn on your hands will make time extremely precious so again, probably the helpline in the 1st instance.

For me, hearing that he has come clean is a glimmer of hope, but whether this was because his house of cards was about to come crashing down or because he has finally accepted that he needs help will make a difference. Becoming a new parent is incredibly stressful for most people, as an addict, whether he realises it or not, it’s very likely he gambled harder to try & outrun his fear. If he’s come clean & is willing to hand over his finances (bank accounts & credit reports) plus do anything you need him to do (counselling, meetings) for your own sanity then that’s a great sign, if he’s resistant then the only thing you can do is decide how much you are willing to put up with because only he can change he.

However you forge forwards, I’m wishing you every strength & hope you find some time to look after you - ODAAT

Thanks for answering! I’m up doing the 3am feed, which probably doesn’t help matters, as I have too much thinking time at the moment.

I think you’re probably right; the stress of being a parent probably hasn’t helped him at all.

I think this time he realises that his relapse has been serious- especially now that he can’t rely on me to help him. First thing tomorrow, we’re off to the bank so that I can change the joint bill account to an individual account in my name. He’s been secretly dipping into this while I’ve been busy with little one for the last few weeks. He’s also going to have his wages directly paid into this account. I’m just worried that he’ll still keep making arrangements with the banks to extend the debt! I’m tired enough looking after a newborn, and I just wanted my mat leave to be a happy time. Now it looks like I might have to return to work sooner than I hoped, and I think I’m beginning to resent my OH for not looking after me for a change. I know that I need to look out for the two of us now, as I still can’t trust my husband.

Hi star mix congratulations! You sound so like me. I remember sitting in the building society remortgaging when my baby was 6 weeks old. She's 15 now! I did all those things, salary to me, I paid all the bills, no joint accounts. The one thing I didn't do was credit reports. He kept his accounts open and gambled loans. He could get credit because he had a job regardless that the money didn't go into his account. You can get notifications from the credit report companies (Experian, noddle etc) so you can see if loans and credit cards are applied for. He's confessed so that's great, time to secure finances while he's willing. If you take over finance it will help, no loopholes. He should continue with GA. This is a stressful time for you both but your focus has to be securing finances and enjoying your baby. We work on cash and receipts, change to the penny. Keep an eye on the post too. His gambling debts have to be last in the list, he can negotiate to repay on his own. He should also download software blocks to stop access to gambling sites. If he's ready to give up for good he should do anything to stop, total transparency. Ask questions here and call gamcare.

I hadn’t thought to look through his credit so thanks for the tip-off. My biggest problem is that I don’t fully understand the world of spread betting and risky shares, and I think my OH takes advantage of this. I’m hoping that I can cut off anything that puts myself and LO in a predicament.

Me neither, I remember my cg talking about position on the ftse! I understand trading but not spread betting! To be honest I don't think they do otherwise they'd be rich! In the end my husband bet a £1 on anything in the bookies! Some also memorise their card details before handing them over. There are many tricks. Safeguard yourself.

Hi

Sorry to see this.

Practicalities are that you have to be 100% on top of everything financial 100% of the time. Don't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof for yourself. Everything Mr L spends goes through the joint account. I see receipts. His salary goes to a basic bank account (no OD) which I have the card to and operate. He doesn't carry cash. Every asset is in my sole name. Every major purchase is made in my sole name.

I open his post if I want to and I keep an eye on the credit reports from all three agencies (all available free. Noddle, Clearscore and Experian from MSE's credit club). I have paid for an alert service which emails me if anything changes in between the monthly updates. He has notices of correction on every report saying he's not to be offered or extended credit.

I'm not sure blockers will work on spread betting sites but you can password protect every device he has access to and he can ditch his phone for a non internet enabled brick.

Don't be too understanding. It leaves you open to manipulation. He can get the advice and support he needs from counselling and regular (lifetime) attendance at GA. Your priority is protecting you and the baby. Insist he complies with everything you want and need to feel safe. If he doesn't do it willingly be wary.

The point about spread betting is that you can lose more than you deposit. In regular betting, the maximum loss is the sum(s) deposited, some gamblers consider losses to include sums “won” and promptly lost again but that’s just a symptom of their compulsion, the actual losses are the deposits. Spread betting separates gamblers (and their families) from family money far more efficiently than other forms of betting, it’s absolutely lethal because it has this veneer of respectability when compared to regular betting, this false idea that somehow there is a skill involved in making a market and if the betting is on commodities or financial products, somehow that’s better than sport. Contracts for difference (CFDs) are also spread betting and are offered under the guise of “trading”.

As ever, don’t get bogged down in what he is or isn’t doing, protect yourself and focus on you and what you need to do to help yourself cope with your situation.

CW

Thanks for that easy explanation- I think that’s why I find it difficult. Appointment has been made for the morning, so already feel happier. He’s also agreed to let me open his post, so I can see exactly what is going on. Access to The weird investments and spread betting companies though seem a tougher prospect. He doesn’t seem to keen for me to know about this, which still rings alarm bells!

He doesn't want to give you access because it will reveal the extent of what he's been doing but in any case CG's are adept at keeping the door ajar just a little and hiding it. It's not a good sign that he's reluctant to give you access but you couldn't really be sure he's revealed all his accounts to you anyway. I have just tested with K9 and it's letting spread betting sites through which suggests it may not be possible to block them effectively so I would suggest prioritising setting your own passwords to devices he can access..

He may still have a position. Therefore liable for a margin call. Has he stopped/closed all trades? If he's stopped he probably doesn't want you to see how many transactions there are. My husband had pages of back to back money in and out to brokers. The mind boggles!

I found the evidence in his bank statements...long lists of transactions to the betting site. The odd incoming credit, but 80% outgoing debits.

My husband didn’t have many accounts and the main beneficiary of our family money was a site that offered all and every type of betting. Exclusion and software worked to eliminate that particular site.

Protect yourself but once that’s done, focus on how you want to live your life.

CW

Update: I’ve had a really busy day today. I’ve been to see the bank and I’ve closed the joint bill account and have arranged for OH salary to be paid directly into an a basic account to which I alone have access to.

On the downside, he’s revealed that there’s more than just the overdrafts. He hasn’t taken out any credit cards (thank goodness!) but he somehow managed to get a dodgy payday loan, which is yet another silly debt.

OH is beginning to cooperate, so I’m taking it a day at a time. There are no active spread bets (so this is progress). Instead, he’s ploughed his cash into crappy shares in a company that I’ve never heard of! At least this time, he hasn’t lost more than he’s ploughed in- which is probably why he didn’t see it as a ‘gamble’. Blimey, this stuff is deliberately shady!

Thanks for all the support so far. It means a great deal!

Have you seen the credit reports from every agency? You can't rely on his word alone and as I said upthread CG's are adept at leaving themselves a little wriggle room which translates as hidden bank accounts, loans and credit cards. Credit reports may not give you the entire picture (loans from family or friends for instance or lenders which may not report to that particular agency) but they are more reliable than a gambler's account.

I’m going to do completely uncover the credit situation today. It’s tricky with a newborn to tackle any more than one task per day, as I’m on a whirlwind of feeding, changing and burping (oh, the glamour!)

I feel confident about the credit cards. His post never includes credit card accounts and being at home on Mat leave now means that I get to the post before he had chance to hide it. Not sure what I’ll do about this once I’m back at work, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I’ve been given his password book, so today’s job is to start changing passwords so that he cannot access the crappy shares. I’m definitely going for passwords in my head, as I don’t trust him to go looking for them! It is just like having another child at the moment!