Help needed: where to start with the practicalities of having a husband that gambles?

Hi starmix don't mean to alarm you but my cg had all credit card, bank statements sent to work. Is he going back to meetings?

Hi, Starmix,

I’d warn you against trying to control whether or not he gambles. It’s futile. If he needs to use (gamble), he will find a way. As AlAnon say, I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it and I can’t Cure it.

The aim is to protect yourself, not to join in a game of wits (silly beggars) with him. Move the focus away from what he or isn’t doing and over to you. It’s dysfunctional to race to open the mail to find what he’s trying to hide. It’s not a normal way to live.

Look at yourself, why do you want to behave in a maternal or nannying way towards your partner? Maybe it is a result of his actions but it becomes circular, you carry his load and he lets you? Why is it down to you to hold it all together? What do you want and need from a life partner, why and are you getting it?

It might seem easier to try to stop him gambling but it’s just a distraction from thinking about yourself. Change you, your responses, then the dynamics of the relationship changes and the life lessons that are taught to the children also change.

Look after you.

CW

Good news is that so far I haven’t uncovered anything new on the credit front.

I’m trying very hard not mother him, but I have realised that I’m just trying to stop him from doing any further damage to the finances. Up until this point, I’ve allowed him to go on his merry way. I think what’s changed is that that he has finally admitted to himself how bad things have got, and that for the moment, he shouldn’t have access to his finances. He’s back to GA, and I believe that he does have a genuine desire to change.

He’s alsoadmitted that he found not being the centre of attention difficult. I know that addicts use other excuses to mask/make excuses for their problem, but I think he’s got more to unpick than just the gambling TBH, so I have suggested that he gets individual help, as he needs to talk it through all of it with someone in more depth. I’m certainly not that interested in excuses! He needs to work through that bit for himself.

Once he’s feeling a bit more in control, he can begin to take control of his own finances once more, especially as I have managed to separate it completely. The next few weeks will show if his desire to stop is going to transfer into action- I remain somewhat sceptical!

That’s him, what about you?

I’m feeling much better thanks. The Sun’s been out today, so took LO out for a long walk. It’s been nice to get out, without having an appointment or task to do! Hopefully, I can start focusing on enjoying my maternity leave, especially now LO is beginning to wait more than an hour and a half between feeds. I’m still quite hormonal though- I seem to be getting emotional over silly things- but apparently that’s pretty normal, and weirdly, all of my tears have been over things entirely unrelated to my OH’s gambling!

having

A quick update: I’m getting some help for the way that I’m feeling at the moment, so I’m feeling much better placed to deal with OH. I didn’t realise how tired I was with having a newborn- I think it has frazzled my brains. I feel much more in control. I’m still having to check up on OH, but he’s been to another meeting this week, and there’s been an openness to talk through stuff, which he hasn’t before. I’m well aware that it’s early days, and I’m sure he’ll relapse or have difficult periods. I just need to keep focusing on myself and LO.