Hi all. I'm new to this site today - I've joined as a member in order to reach out for advice so I'm really praying someone can shed some light and offer some advice.
My partner (fiancГ©) and I have been together just over 18 months and we have an 8 month old baby girl. We are both 28 years of age and we have full time jobs. Before I met my partner I was completely career focused. My partner has been a gambler for over 10 years - mostly poker and fruit machines. The time that gambling takes up and the lies that come with it has put our relationship under so much strain.
During my pregnancy I became so insecure and paranoid because I had been lied to so many times I started seeing a private counsellor in order to learn to trust my partner again.
Anyway things have recently become out of control as over the last 3 weeks my other half has gambled most days including over £2000 in one hour while at work on a poker game on his phone, and although I didn't go mad about it (if I go mad it just causes an argument and then he storms out of the house to gamble even more) I still feel completely let down.
The following weekend he decided he didn't want to be with me because I was "on his case" all the time about his constant gambling so he kicked me and our 8 month old baby out of our home - We had no where to go so we went to a friends empty house and I had to buy a blow up matteress and a travel cot for my baby girl.
While we were staying in this empty house the paranoia and insecurity got the better of me so I logged into his Facebook to find that he has been messaging his ex asking her to come round etc. I was heartbroken so I drove to his house like a crazy person to ask why he was doing this? He just told me to go away and leave him alone.
After him having 5 or 6 days alone to gamble every day (he took the week off work because he was upset that we had separated) he then said he wants us back and that he's been an idiot.
I've told him the gambling must stop but he tells me he won't stop as gambling is a part of him and I have to learn to live with it? I told him I would accept his gambling if he will cut down and stop the lies to which he agreed.
Just days before this we were discussing our wedding plans (which is booked for in 3 months time) - We've spent almost 10K on the wedding which we stand to lose if we cancel?! I've spoken with most of our vendors and they are happy to postpone the wedding for one year which I hope will give my partner time to change and to get our relationship back on track.
This was just a few days ago but already he has gambled all weekend and because I've been on his messages/emails I've seen that he's been lying to me again about how much he's playing. When I ask him about things he just goes mad at me saying it's my own fault for 'snooping' on his things.
I wish I didn't have the urge to check up o him all the time but I want him to prove to me that he isn't a compulsive liar and that he can be trusted.
Please help anyone? Do you think he will change? How can I help him?
Hi Amy and welcome to a great place for honest real advice...
I'm the gambler in my marraige so not the best person to advise you really.... ( 200 odd days gamble free now )
But I am a mum to two girls your age...and as a mum id be saying " come home now "...he won't change...stop gambling...stop lieing. ..stop manipulating you untill he wants to...sorry...but he won't !
There's lots of girls on here who will soon be along to help you....look after yourself and baby...take care x
Thank you Loxxie for your reply! I would like to think he will change but I think deep down he won't. He's been like this for over 10 years so why would he change now? I feel so hurt and betrayed by all of this and I'm annoyed at myself for loving him so dearly. I want to save him but I know I can't. It's killing me inside and I feel like I can't go on without him but when I'm with him it's daily torture for one reason or another. I look forward to hearing from other members - Please don't sugar coat I just need the hard truth before I end up with someone that will cause so much heartache for the rest of my life. PS well done on your 200 day gamble free you should be so proud of yourself!
Xx
Your very welcome love...
And like most mum's I wish I had a magic wand !
Are you and your baby safe ?
Are you back in his house ?
Is it possible to stay with family ...you need some real life help from people around you love..
Give gamcare a ring.. they will go through options with you...
You don't have to live your life like this....you deserve more....
You said ...he chucked you and the baby out !
This is not acceptable. ...addiction is a terrible terrible thing and drags us down to the gutter....I done things that as a mum still make me cringe beyond belief....but at the time whilst I was in the depths of the addiction...I didn't realise what I was doing....he needs to reach a point when he realises what's happening....and that's the trickey bit. ....HE ....has to realise....look after yourself x
Hi Amy, I'm going to have to sugar coat it I'm afraid because otherwise you'll just get a page of bleeps! Who the hell does he think he is throwing you & the baby out? I can feel that your counselling has shown you that this is not your fault & sadly that you cannot change him but please believe everything you learned! No-one deserves to be treated like this & do not even consider marrying this vile man until he can prove to you that he is ready & willing to seek help!
I am just emerging from an almost 30 year affair with my addiction having learned my behaviour from my nearest & dearest! Living with it is hard for everyone, but you didn't chose it & look how much it is hurting, don't make your child feel this pain!
You may not feel like you can manage without him but if you consider where he could very well be heading; homeless, penniless, food shelters you will find a way to do so & better it's now, on your terms!
I'm so sorry to hear another story like this but you coming here shows you are ready to fight for you & your baby! Phone the helpline, get as much support as you possibly can & then figure out what you can live with. Gambling is a progressive disease, regardless of the bull that he tells you, no-one makes us go out & do it, it's just much easier to blame someone else!
Be prepared to stick by any ultimatums you give & look after you - ODAAT
You can't fix it & it's not your job to, it's his.
He sounds like a nightmare & as the father of a 2 yr old I could never imagine doing something so terrible as to kick my own child out.
I would say that he's probably not the right person for you & that some gambling addicts never see the problem & so can never fix it.
If he's messaging his ex behind your back & kicking you out then there is a bigger issue than gambling & you should be wary of that.
Thank you for replying guys - I'm so grateful you've taken the time to respond to me.
I feel as though he will never suffer or learn from his consequences - His parents came into some money a couple years back and bought him his home. He has very little outgoings and knows he can do what he wants when he wants without any consequences.
Unfortunately I don't have any immediate family as such as my mother is an alcoholic and she actually gave up care of me and my siblings when I was a child. I sometimes wonder if this is why I stick around? - I don't want my daughter to be part of a broken home like I was?
All of his social circle are gamblers - he doesn't have one friend that doesn't gamble so this makes things even harder as he's influenced by them of course.
I just want things to go back to normal (if they ever were) as I don't feel like I'm strong enough to get through it all on my own with my baby girl.
Xx
Hey Amy. .I'm sorry to hear things have been so tough with your side of the family....can you talk to his parents love....you are the mummy of there grandchild. ..as a nan myself I would want to know.....x
Ok no sugar coating.
Hes made his choice. He has very clearly said to you he has no intention of stopping gambling. That is his perogative. You now have a choice too. You stay & try to crisis manage for the rest of your lives. Or you realise that you & your child dont deserve to live in an abusive relationship.
Addiction comes in many forms, gambling, alcohol, n*******s & yes abusive relationships. We all have the ability to change our own circumstances. What none of us have is the ability to change others
Look after you & your child. If he wants to come along for the ride great. If he doesnt then your options should be although daunting & fearful, clear.
Maybe take a look at the CODA website & GamAnon there you will find information & likeminded people whom have been where you are & have come out the otherside
Best wishes
Hi Amy
I usually like to explain that I am the parent of a gambler and have been dealing with someone in your and your partner's agegroup and a slightly similar domestic set up like yours. Of course it is your decision in the end but I think you need to think very carefully about the wedding plans and making long term commitments. Your partner has acknowledged that he has a problem but is choosing just to live with it rather than deal with it and, sorry to be blunt, but that will spell out dire consequences for you and your baby. You also have the problem that he is surrounding himself with other gamblers and that could be almost like a peer pressure on him not to stop and the fact that he sent you packing with a small baby in tow is not a good sign. It is maybe time for you to sit him down now and give him really strong ultimatums of insisting he takes action to stop now before he ruins all of you emotionally and financially or he is risking losing what sounds like a nice little family. The trouble with gambing to his extent is that his head will now be all over the place, anger and frustration will set in and the irrational behaviour kicks in, like sending you and baby away. You are trying to cope with a new baby and all of this so please do not try to tackle this on your own at home. Try and get support from as many friends/family as possible or even talk to your GP as sometimes they will put you in touch with support groups and people who are going through the same thing. I really recommend that you ring the counsellors on here as well as they will give you information like emotional support, financial and how to block gambling sites etc. If you get all this info you can maybe try and talk to your partner about what can be done to help. We have found that taking control of all the finances has been a great help but that is only a suggestion for you -only you know what the response to that would be. Everyone wants to save their relationships, especially where children are involved, but it takes a lot of strength to do this and it is important that if you make the ultimatums you should stick to them. I am afraid manipulation is another downside of this and if you stick to your guns you will probably be helping him by giving a bit of tough love. Hate to see young families being destroyed by this and I hope you eventually get the happy ending you deserve and I really hope your partner sees the light and pulls through to a recovery stage and I am sure he will be happier for it because between you and me this habit will mean he will be secretly and constantly worrying about how he can fund all of this and deep down he will actually be quite miserable - all part of this very sad problem that is happening to so many young people.
I wish you all luck and stay strong.
Hi Amy
I was saddened to read your post. I am sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. Firstly I am a compulsive gambler & will lie & manipulate until the cows come home! When I am gambling no one else matters, I am in a zone that I don't want to leave for anything or anyone. However I am about 3 weeks gambling free & have managed to make that change because I am desperate to stop. I have put blocks in place & am starting therapy next week.
Back to your partner (possible husband to be) he doesn't want to stop, so nothing will change. I believe for a relationship to work you need to have trust, honesty & respect. He doesn't demonstrate any of these towards you. (Just to point out neither do I when I gamble) It is not possible to change people or fix them. You can however change your own situation. I am wondering when he will next throw you & your daughter out, & then beg for you back. Or how many times this will happen? That must have been terrible for you both. Remember non of this is your fault. He is a compulsive gambler & has an illness but, he doesn't want treatment. You take care Amy & there are people/ councellers to help/ support you. All the best Roxi x:)
Hi, Amy
The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. To think otherwise is a recipe for chaos and misery for you. You are responsible for what you do but how on earth can you physically control whether or not he gambles?
Active gamblers have various dubious talents, one of which is for muddying the waters so that no one around can think clearly. Picking a fight and storming out to gamble is classic addict manipulation. If he can blame you for stressing him or whatever, then it justifies the gambling. The Gam Anon advice is to pass the responsibility back where it belongs: Eg if he picks a fight and storms out, say that you know that he wants to gamble, it's his choice to gamble but you won't let him justify that choice through you.
The best way forward is what you're doing: to educate yourself about addiction and the corrupt thinking process that goes with it. Get help and support for you to cope with the situation that you're in. It's worth the travel and babysitting to get to GamAnon meetings, or GC counselling. Tell trusted friends or your siblings, nothing good comes from keeping the secret.
The other problem is that when you're caught up in an abusive relationship, you don't recognise a normal features of a normal relationship. It's really important to relearn what you should expect and to know that you're worth it.
Take care,
CW
Thank you all for your help. Since first posting we have since gone from him wanting us back to him never wanting to see us again.
Apparently I'm controlling because I can't allow him to gamble and that's his hobbie?!
His ex girlfriend has also been in touch with me to tell me they have been meeting up since the day we got together and apparently he's been telling her that we've split number out times and I won't let him do anything. The reason they split was because of his gambling and lies.
My whole relationship has been a lie - Is it gambling that makes people this way or is he just a narcissistic sociopath and I had no idea?
Xx
Morning,
I'm a bit hard pressed to see what he has to offer either you or the ex in terms of a non abusive relationship. Again, it's about what you expect from a life partner and the problem is when you've become used to low standards you expect them and that's the cycle for you to break.
GamAnon has various booklets about active CG behaviour. One of the common CG lines that GamAnon mention is accusations of begrudging the CG their little hobby. It's manipulative nonsense and should be regarded as such. Tell him your concerned about his serious addiction, it's not a harmless hobby.
Control is chicken and egg, f&f easily end up becoming controlling in response to the gambling. But it's futile, we simply can't make their choices for them. We can set and enforce our boundaries, we can withdraw from a situation that has become intolerable, we can focus on our needs. But we can't make them stop and there's no point in wasting our energy there.
Look after you.
CW
Amy13 wrote:
Thank you for replying guys - I'm so grateful you've taken the time to respond to me.
I feel as though he will never suffer or learn from his consequences - His parents came into some money a couple years back and bought him his home. He has very little outgoings and knows he can do what he wants when he wants without any consequences.
Unfortunately I don't have any immediate family as such as my mother is an alcoholic and she actually gave up care of me and my siblings when I was a child. I sometimes wonder if this is why I stick around? - I don't want my daughter to be part of a broken home like I was?
All of his social circle are gamblers - he doesn't have one friend that doesn't gamble so this makes things even harder as he's influenced by them of course.
I just want things to go back to normal (if they ever were) as I don't feel like I'm strong enough to get through it all on my own with my baby girl.
Xx
Hi Amy
As an adult child of a compulsive gambler who has mistreated my mother my whole life - I can from the heart say that I wished my mother had left my father decades ago. She's doing it now (after 36 years of heartache). You deserve better. He doesn't want to change and once he loses respect for you then his behaviour will get worse. At least this is what I've seen in my father.
I hope that things work out for you and the little one x
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