good evening all.
I'm back to square one with my husband. This week with him has been terrible. There has been rugby on. Tennis. And the Grand National tomorrow. So far this week his gambling total is just under £100. Not a lot compared to most cg. But too much when on benefits! His behaviour has slipped right back to the abusive way it was before and it's all my fault and I had better find a way to keep him occupied tomorrow whilst the horse racing is on. I haven't reacted to him like I used to....arguing back....and it's set him off even more. I feel like a fool. He manipulated me into letting him back home and believing, if only a little, that things would change. He has attended his counselling twice and now refuses to go again. It's a waste of time and he doesn't trust them apparently.
Due to the actions I took a few weeks ago, child services are now involved and that has made things worse. If I say anything to them about him that's bad he has told me he will do his best to bring me down with him. I know I will have to lie to them, he will be monitoring what I say and I've been told I will have to make it end there. So I'm back to covering up, pretending and lying for him. There is no way out. This situation can and will get a lot worse for me I'm sure. Not violently, that's never been his way. Never would be. But his nastiness and point scoring, manipulation and verbal/emotional abuse will continue.
Suffering in silence again. I hate him. I hate what he does. I'm resentful, angry, so many things I can't even put them into words. I can't wait for my counselling to start....he can try and stop me from going but I'm not....this will be my piece of sanity restored in my chaotic and turmultuous world.
Time to try and sleep.
Goodnight all. Peace and love to you all x
Hi Sad and Lonely
What you are living with is domestic abuse, no matter what your husband says. Hes a compulsive gambler with out a conscience and as you can see like so many with this addcition he will do and say what ever he has to get his own way.
The governments definition of domestic viloence is :- "any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between, intimate parteners or family members regardless of gender or sexaulity. The abuse can encompass, but is not limited to psycological, physical, sexual, financial, emotional" What you're living with is abuse regardless of what your husband says.
This is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and you are not a fool, you're just doing your best while living with this madness.
Can you call childrens services and tell them your situation and that you want to speak to them with out your husband there ?. And as for bringing you down with him for what, loving your kids, he's trying to control you again.
I know it would be very hard to do but if you dont want to live this way any more then its going to have to be you that makes the move. Call Gamcare again, do it as many times as you need, they're there to support you, get as much support as you possibly can, dont wait until your counselling starts to get help.
Take care
Hello Sadandlonely80.
It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation and it’s good you are continuing to use the forum for support. It’s positive that you are determined to get some counselling and while you are waiting for this to start please remember you can contact us on the helpline and speak with an advisor who will listen to your concerns. The contact number is 0808 8020 133 the helpline is open 8am –midnight every day.
There is also a support group for family and friends of problem gamblers you can contact please find details here.
Please keep posting we are here to support you
Hi Phoenix,
Thanks for your comment. I guess when you live with this behaviour day in day out you fail to recognise that really that is what is happening. Domestic abuse. I do recognise it to the most extent, I've told him and others so too, that's why children's services are now involved. He says he's being painted as some kind of ogre and it's not all the time he's like it so it's not that and that's it! It may be hard to understand, see and admit that that's what he's become and I do understand that, but I can't make him see that and he won't. So, where does that leave me? I'm not scared in any physical way but he is so angry and has such a vicious tongue on him it worries me what he will carry out on the back of angry words. Before now he has sat outside for hours in the cold because he needed to prove to himself that he could survive the nights out on the streets - coz that's where he would be if we split up. I had to threaten him with police and ambulance for mental health issues to get him in. I know now this was a game of manipulation to him but mentioned it to highlight the lengths he will go to.
Following the incidents this past week I have been apologised to and then berated for not offering him praise and support for the good things he's done. Ha...there hasn't been that many this week, but it's just a blip according to him. He is definitely not going back to his counselling....he can do it on his own apparently. Yeah, right! This is the slippery slope downhill again I just know it is. I feel trapped. Completely and utterly trapped. Legally I'm in a tight bind too in regards to the house and children. He has sought advice from police etc regarding his rights and legal standing with things, just as I have. He's not daft, my husband. He's a master at using full resources to further his gain. He can talk his way out of anything with anyone and twist it to make it look like the other persons fault entirely. He's really very good at it. He could chew me up and spit me out without a backwards glance believe me.
If I call child services and it was postponed then he will go ballistic.....he wants them in and out and never seen or heard from again. I won't be able to be honest with them about anything, will have to lie to them to get them off our backs. My life will be hell if I don't. Then what will happen to me if they find out? Will they remove my children? Coz that will finish me off....I may as well end it now if that's the case. It's probably my only way out anyway. I will never ever be free from him, especially wih the children. Sorry, once my mind starts whirling it all just comes tumbling out.
I need to make sense of it all.
Thanks Phoenix, keep going....I admire your strength x
Hmmm interesting...I know the police service better than most & I'd be extremely surprised if any officer has dished out legal advice with regards to housing rights etc! Domestic violence is not a one size fits all & there is no blue print as to how things 'end up'!
And as for lying to children's services, for what reason? Your life is hell now! I don't understand your fears & frustrations, I could not as I don't have children but I know you must be low to suggest what you have! I also understand that he is controlling to the extent you cannot make calls but yes, you absolutely must must must go to your counselling! He may not be daft but he is a horribly controlling manipulator & you must keep fighting for you & your kids - ODAAT
ODAAT
When I left he spoke to the local police and got advice from them. As I hadn't made any complaint against him and he wasn't involved with them directly at that incident there was precious little they could tell him other than his rights as a parent with equal parental responsibility and to log me as a missing person! But he researches online his rights in regards to housing, our marriage, the children and everything else. He is no idiot or fool and I may have shocked him by taking the action I did but all I think it's achieved is for him to be more knowledgable in regards to his rights etc.
Yes, my life is hell. It has been worse, it has been better. I think I feel the way I do because I don't love or trust him as I did before. He has destroyed that. I've lost complete faith in him. In regards to children's services, I am fearful of the outcome, from him and them. He won't admit things have been the way they have and thinks I've been over the top with the way I've described things at home. I will be as truthful as I can be without putting myself at any further risk of more emotional upheaval by him. Does that make sense? I know these people are skilled, or supposed to be, in these areas so will be able to tell if he's taking control of the situation over me or whatever. It's hard. I have done everything I can to protect my children and they nor I have ever come to any physical harm from him, but there's no denying that if his gambling and the way he has changed surrounding that has affected me then it would have affected them also. That was my concern and will continue to be so until he either stops completely or controls himself and what he does. His counsellor has said that if he's not stopping completely then control is the next best option so will have to run with that.
I have no intention of not attending my counselling. He can try and stop me but he can think again. I need it, badly. I hope I can become stronger and find myself again and be able to make a decision and stick to it, instead of being guilty and manipulated by him and others.
Take care,
Sad x
Hi, S&L,
I'm not sure if I would think of asking the police for detailed legal advice, either. Aren't they too busy? However, do get all advice that you can, you may be eligible for legal aid?
Also, his rights to housing are a lot better if he has responsibility for a child than if he doesn't.
Remember that CGs manipulate and take what he says in that light. If he can scare you into putting up, shutting up and paying, then that suits him.
His behaviour is abusive and not the example you want your children to follow. It may be that Social Services will have fewer concerns if you're apart than if you're together.
You are strong, look after yourself.
CW
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