He's done it again

Hello Maberly and Welcome

Its difficult to give you the words you want to hear right now but its essential that you face this with a new brand of tougher love if you choose to stay and help. 

Reality and the truth will help free your mind. 

Firstly its not your fault and you must protect yourself as much as possible. you can only help from a position of strength and can not be a shrinking violet about any of this

Im afraid its never something you could give him control of. You need to give the reality check that your relationship is on the line if he is not willing to fully recover

All finances will need to be controlled by you and you will need to learn about this as a drug addiction more than anything

I dont know your living arrangements. The debt is not yours and it often enables the gambler by thinking you are in this with him. I understand it gets complicated if you share a home

ideally not a penny of your money goes his way and you give him a small allowance from his own wages

you will know if he has gambled again because you will develop a sixth sense after asking for reports and receipts. 

How you deal with this is your decision. You will need support and thinking time for yourself

Its all gets easier when you know how to deal with this and have a plan for a positive future. We are not saying its easy but you will gain strength to make your decisions

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

@maberly, plenty of advice for you but a couple of questions first if I may?

What happened with your counselling with gamcare from your last visit here 18 months ago and what made your husband confess? 

Chris.

@joydivider thank you for all that. Very sensible. What I need right now as I process this. 

@chris-uk I did the counselling for a bit and husband did too. It seemed like issue was over, he convinced me there was no longer a problem, made promises etc, I fell for them. 

This time it was because frankly he's been at work so much and home so little I read him the riot act on Friday and mentioned financial clarity and the fact that I thought he might be hiding things still as he'd not given the clarity he'd promised before and was forever giving excuses and how was he always at work yet I wasn't seeing the results of all the money he must have coming in to make up for his absence as the days he is home he's no good for anything and exhausted, so I never get a break or any help and he leaves and mess and then disappears to work for a couple of days and nights as his job requires. He was in a low mood since I gave him this talking to and explained how I felt and that I need transparency and changes from him. Then this morning over the phone I said it was Monday so he could start sorting out the banking and joked unless there's something you don't want me to see and there was silence so I asked what would I see on there and he fessed up. In another phone call today I asked when he stopped himself and sorted his loan etc out and he said a month ago. So fairly horrified that once again he's lead this double life and lied to me for so long. 

Thanks for that.

I understand how hard it is for you with this bombshell once again. 
I would say that there’s a very good chance that he didn’t stop a month ago, it was more recent. As a gambler myself I know that I told my wife things that I thought sounded plausible, all the while knowing that I have been caught. What are the things that we are as compulsive gamblers is also compulsive liars, and it’s a very difficult thing to suddenly start telling the truth. It will come in time but very rarely does it come at the first time of asking. Ask to see his accounts. 

 What are the things that we are as compulsive gamblers is also compulsive liars, and it’s a very difficult thing to suddenly start telling the truth. It will come in time but very rarely does it come at the first time of asking.

I suggest keeping your money very separate  and as difficult as it may be, make him responsible for the debt, although I understand there’s a couple it’s not always as clear-cut as yours and his, and as difficult as it may be, make him responsible for the debt, although I understand as a couple it’s not always as clear-cut as yours and his.

I would suggest to him that he gets proper help, so either starts attending GA, or gets some counselling through one of the gamcare affiliates locally.

Depending upon where you are as well you can go to a Gam-anon meeting which is for partners or supporters of the gambler. These are meetings to support you.

Just remember though that this will continue to happen unless you can become strong enough to become your own person, or he gets to the point where he has had enough. A rock bottom if you will.

It wasn’t enough for me to stop because of my wife or children, despite my promises to them and myself, I had to want it for me. It’s too late for me for my relationship and only you can decide for yourself about yours, but my ex is now remarried and happy. My unselfish side is happy for her as well. That’s all I ever wanted for her.

Any questions or specific advice please ask.

Chris.

Posted by: @maberly

Husband confessed he'd had a relapse and spent another 6k we don't have to add onto the other £22k odd that he'd done two years ago and had got down to about 15/16k - apparently he'd already stopped himself this time and sorted counselling and added it to the loan paying the rest off and even got a better interest rate. I've rung Gamcare for counselling for myself.

Righ now I'm feeling numb mentally and physically I'm shakey and anxiety cleaning. He says this time I will have full financial control. He convinced me last time that wasn't needed as he was so ashamed he'd never do it again...

How can this be put right, I don't want to be his mother/controller giving him an allowance, I've got enough people I'm having to parent in my life right now - ailing elderly parents. I work three jobs and never any money to my name. He works all hours including nights and this was having to carry on because he's having to pay his previous debt off and now this.

I don't know which way is up right now.

Is this my life now if I stay, constantly monitoring and not being able to trust him?

I feel for you , i really do.best wishes

It may seem like a big task for you to manage his money and give him an allowance etc, but the lack of access to money is the thing that will help starve the addiction and make it unobtainable. I can say from experience I can tell myself no more gambling, but then I get paid and suddenly the overwhelming urge returns. It's not that it goes away when I have no access to cash, but it certainly makes it more difficult act upon and helps to buy time until the urge passes.

You don't need to stay around.. you are not obliged to. However, if you want to, you can... And if you do, then taking over the finances and perhaps giving him only small amounts of cash, you will help to starve his addiction and give yourself a lot more peace of mind. 

It will never go away entirely, however it can be managed into obscurity. I wish I had someone to do this for me.