He's in a lot of trouble now

Hi, CM,

Sorry to hear what's happened to you. My husband is a CG, finally in recovery but not before he'd let us down by clearing out our children's savings and lying about it. A CG isn't there for you, not at all, their only concern is the next bet and they lie (to themselves as much as anyone else), rationalise, justify, deny, project the blame, all to keep gambling. It's not a lack of love as such but the pursuit of gambling makes them selfish and anti-social beyond belief, it gets worse the longer it goes on, and the end result is the same. They're not there for you when they should be.

The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. The only person who can help your father is him, the help he needs is available at GA and/ or via GamCare but nothing will help him until he's ready to be helped to help himself. So best to keep the focus on you and your brother, do what you are doing, get help for you to cope with the situation that you are in. Don't get distracted from your needs by his crisis.

With regard to your family involving the police, that's actually following standard advice, whatever the motive. There's not much that you can do to help an active addict in denial but the one thing you can do is allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. Part of the denial is to refuse to face consequences, so providing money to a gambler in debt is counter productive, it stops them experiencing the link between their gambling and not having money for essentials. And there are stories of such bailouts ending up with the betting industry. Don't rush to the rescue, don't pay for legal advice, focus on coping with the effect that this is having on you and your brother.

There's a lot of info and advice on this forum worth reading, also various books about addiction available from that online River of retailers (we can't name commercial enterprises), I recommend Twerski, "Addictive Thinking" published by Hazelden. It's a few years old but the addiction's the same. Also GC have a helpline with long hours and they offer counselling sessions. I go to GamAnon, a group of people in a room with the same problem, learning to cope together. There are on line sessions on Sunday's via their website.

Hope some of this helps, take care of you.

CW

Hi CM3003

Im the Mum of a compulsive gambler.

It doesnt matter who the cg is in our lives they all behave exactly the same.

Its taken me years to really understand that we cannot help them, its all up to them if they want recovery, nothing we say or do can change that no matter how much we want it.

I am sure your dad loves you and your brother but hes also a compulsive gambler and will behave as such. Im sure deep down inside he knows he hasnt treat you right but the pulll off the addciton will win every time while actively gambling.

The best thing you can do for him is leave him alone, he has to do this on his own, its as Cynical Wife says he has to face the consequences of his actions if theres to be any chance he'll want recovery.

As a mum it goes agaisnt the grain not help my son, but years of living with a cg has taught me that the kindest thing I can do for my son is leave him alone and thats what we all must do.

Get as much support as you can, and concentrate on your own life.

Take care

Hi CM, welcome to the Forum and well done for posting what you have here – as difficult as it must have been, it is a positive step in doing what you can for your Father.

I feel enormously sorry for you my friend, but I also feel enormously sorry for him as well.

Clearly the divorce had a major impact; parents always try and protect their children as we know, and a lot of the time that involves deep, scarring, emotional trauma. There are many outlets for this, but unfortunately, many are drawn towards the negative ones – that said, he didn’t know that his first gamble would lead onto something that would affect his whole life, and your life as well. Please don’t think I am excusing him completely – everyone has a responsibility to seek help, but unfortunately, a lot of people leave it far too late before doing so; undoubtedly your Father felt like he had lost everything dear to him, so getting deeper into debt wouldn’t have registered as it should.

You clearly care a great deal about him my friend, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here, so, if you want to maintain a relationship with him, then you have to plan a positive way forward for all concerned. He has to lay all of his cards on the table, all the debt, all of where the money has come from, and what he can possibly do to repay it – he needs help, he must admit that he needs help as of today, now; I would recommend going to a GA meeting with him – there is a very human aspect to all of this which might not be apparent; it can affect anyone from all walks of life, lawyers, road sweepers, billionaires, benefit claimants, women, men, children, pensioners – no-one knows, no-one knows until they have that first spin/bet. I also think he needs some personal counselling – he has clearly struggled with making a new start and retreated within himself.

The others posting here are exactly right, he has to do this on my own; I have stopped for 8/9 years now; you can support someone (but not financially), you can be there for them, but it is ultimately their own responsibility to deal with this as best they can. If you Dad doesn’t want help, or keeps relapsing, then you have to think about your own life and family my friend – protect yourself, help if needs be, but don’t allow yourself to be dragged down with it if he doesn’t make an effort to change.

Calling the police is a difficult one – I agree, to a point, with other comments here about facing up to the consequences, but a criminal record means that he is going to be very unlikely to get any kind of work, which could make it almost impossible to repair the damage and get back on an even footing. It is ultimately your choice my friend, all I would say is weigh up all the pros and cons beforehand.

I hope you can all move forward as best you can my friend. I don’t know how your father was before your Mother divorced him, but if he was a good man, then there might be someone inside there worth fighting for, but he has to help himself as I said, and you have to protect yourself if he doesn’t. All of this is easier said than done, I very much appreciate.

JamesP

Hi,

I have often read comments in these forums to get any information that would help my situation but have now decided to join in.

I am the partner of a CG and have been through many ups and down over the past 5 years I have been with him.

I have lost count of the number of times I have thrown him out after he has gambled away all his wages on the day he got paid.

I thought I could help him and tried time after time to be understanding after he said it would never happen again.He has slept rough countless times as he has no family near where we live and I surely thought that experience would bring him to his senses but no!.

As soon as I gave in and let him come back it was as if nothing had happened and life was as before , with me keeping him until next pay day.I hate to give up. It all seems such a waste of life to me, because in my eyes he has no life.

We dont go anywhere, we dont do anything, we never have the money.I cannot discuss things with him because he starts saying I am having a go and stressing him out so he has been told to walk away.He is arrogant, distant and will never admit there is a problem.However , one of the last things he said to me after I threw him out on Monday was, " I will beat this" which suggests there is a problem.

I have tried monitoring his account, his suggestion, and watched as he lost it all before I could say a word.

I have tried managing his account and withdrawing all the funds , depositing it in another account to drip feed over the month but he couldnt cope, became abusive so I gave in and gave it back. All gone in 2 days.

The only good thing is he has no debts apart from his overdraft as he hasnt anyone to borrow from now.

I stopped lending years ago.

I threw him out on Monday night when I discovered he had blown all his wages 1,100 last friday morning, the day he got paid.He didnt tell me, not a word, not a sign.All sweetness and light over the weekend as if everything was fine.

I asked him when I got home if he had been paid on Friday? Oh yes, he said, I lost it .

So matter of fact , and so indifferent . Thats what really riles me..no sorry, no remorse , just thats it ..again.

I cannot keep ignoring it, I cannot help him...I had to have space . so he went.

On the streets again,no money, nowhere to stay, no food...nothing.

He managed to turn up for work yesterday despite being out all night apparently, and today , his day off, he has let himself into my house with a key I didnt know he had, and had a shower and change of clothes, without my permission. The only reason I know is that I had my suspicions and txted my lodger who said he had come across him when he came down in the morning.

I will have to change the locks by the look of it but its just more expense that I can ill afford.

After all this I would help him if he let me, and played his part but he wont...he is in denial and thinks he can sort it but I doubt it!

Hi HoneyB, welcome to the Forum,

I’m am so incredibly sorry that you are experiencing what you are at the moment; such a heartfelt, emotional post that I really feel for you enormously.

I have stopped for around nine years now. It is much easier to live in denial than to face up to a problem that is ruining your life – this is why he has no remorse, and a deep-seated belief that he can stop any time he wants to and turn his life around; usually there is a stopping point, usually there is a time where you say “I can’t take this anymore”, but his addiction consumes him to the point where nothing else seems to matter, not even a roof over his head.

It isn’t easy admitting you have a weakness, it isn’t easy admitting that there is something in your life that you can’t control, but that’s just the way it is. He says “I will beat this”, but you see nothing other than the bubble he has created to protect himself – I wish I could speak to him, because I have walked many, many miles in his shoes; the key is to get him to open up – you are finding that almost impossible, and clearly facing you is something that he can’t contemplate. I would ask him to maybe write you a letter, put it down in writing how he feels – explain that you want to help, but you are not prepared to be walked over anymore, and are not prepared to do anything for someone who doesn’t want to help himself. Agree to go to a GA meeting together – tell him you are not branding him an addict, tell him that you are not accusing him of anything, ask him to go with an open mind and he might just see something of himself in others – you need a starting point and/or a first rung on the ladder from somewhere.

If you still want to help him after five years, then he must be a good man without the gambling, there must still be hope within you that he can turn things around. However arrogant he is, however distant, no-one wants to live the way he does – that is what you have over him at the moment, that is what you must cling onto if you still want to try to turn him around. But please protect yourself first my friend – you are doing the right thing by not lending, you are doing the right thing by not having him live there if he doesn’t want to help himself; just try what I suggested, see what he says – if he says “I will beat this”, then he has to prove it to you.

All of this is much easier said than done, I very much appreciate. Well done for sharing, it is a positive thing, no matter how difficult the situation.

JamesP

Its just frustrating thinking about how he hasnt been there for me and my brother the last 6 years or so. We barely see him and he admitted yesterday that gambling has taken over his life and pushed him away from all our family, we all used to be close until he got himself into this problem. I am struggling myself and i have never known what to do with myself career wise, neither parents have been there for me and i am now 25. Its not an excuse but If feel that not having a proper dad there for me the last 6 years has left me where i am now, i am confused what to do in life and never had a parent to help me or guide me.

The good thing now is that all our family know, but It has taken far too long and feel like it has caused a lot of damage to my own life as well as his, ive never had the support emotionally or financially and having to do everything myself along with lending my dad thousands has been hard, i just got to find a way now to start fresh and focus on me because i have put far to much in him and his addiction.

Hi, CM,

I'm sorry to hear that it's all been so hard for you and that you've been so badly let down. However, I do endorse what you say about finding your own path, at the age of 25, you must accept responsibility for yourself, for your own sake. No, you've not been given the right guidance, yes, you should have been but it's up to you to fix you. Even with all the bad parenting, the responsibility for you must lie with you, if not, whose would it be?

Start by taking the help and support that you need, for you, because you matter. In fact, start believing that you matter, it's all too easy for your needs to get lost but you must find them and listen to them. (It's not all about your father's gambling or your parents' dysfunction.) Try a combination of counselling from GC and attending GanAnon. Think about what you would like to do for a career and find out what you need to do it, research grants, apprenticeships etc, do it for YOU.

Focus on you.

CW

Its not an excuse but how he has been with me, not bothering, always having an excuse for not paying me back or never seeing me and my brother, i feel it has rubbed off on me. I have just not had any motivation or urgency to do anything with myself, i wish i had a parent who cared enough made effort to help me with my future, they just havent been bothered up until now and its not until these last 6 months i realised i got to start doing something.

I do feel a big relief now that his addiction is out there for everyone to see, im not happy with the extent of it but for years i have been covering his back and now i feel can concentrate on myself.

Hi,

Goodness, I don't suggest for a moment that it is an excuse. What happened to you should not have happened to you and will have affected you, perhaps put you at a disadvantage? And I worry about what will happen to my children, they were hurt, they seem OK on the surface but who knows?

But same caveat, you are still responsible for doing what you need to do to fix you. It's no good throwing your opportunities away on his gambling, you'll get no thanks, it won't change him and at the end of the day, you'll suffer. You look after you, I do repeat previous recommendations of bedtime reading from Hazelden, GC counselling and GamAnon.

It perhaps is a relief for it to be in the open, gambling thrives on secrecy and cover ups and it lifts a burden from you. Just make sure that you don't volunteer to pick it up again, no matter what happens.

Take care,

CW

I spoke to my dad today and the latest update is that he is getting used to the fact that he is most likely going to have to do some time behind bars. He has been looking it up and has found out he is likely to have to do 12-18 months for what he has done. Suprisingly he seems pretty relaxed about it, I think he has accepted what he has done and knows there is nothing he can do now.

It has also come out that the amount he has spent gambling in the last 6 years is over £100,000. Pretty shocked by that to say the least. I feel annoyed because that is a lot of money and over the last 6 years he has done nothing for me or my brother apart from cause aggrevation by making us lend him money, we just didn't know it was to feed this addiction. I have struggled personally financially working long hours in an OK job but without any motivation or direction to do better and I feel like i have been let down by not having the support of my parents.

I asked him about the £1500 he owes me and he just said 'sorry i cant get it for you'. £1500 is a lot to me and he doesn't seem bothered. Going to see if there is anyway I can get it back. I will let my family know he owes me this money and see what they can do.