He's lying

Hi Starlet,

Welcome to the forum and well done for posting.

It is good that that you have hard evidence to show him that you know he is gambling, and you may have been convinced long enough even before the evidence. I am sure that this does not make any difference to the situation, as what you want is for him to get help for his gambling. There is help if he wants help, however if he is not ready there is not much you can do to help him, but you can help yourself, and it seems like you have taken some of the steps towards that, by seperating your finances from his finances. Maybe in future, to also be the sole person in charge of any money you two would like to save together if you decide you will like to do that again.

We give counselling to love ones of gamblers, so you can access our Counselling if you would like to talk to someone about how this is affecting you. You can speak to one of our Helpline advisors if you would like to do this.

Take Care.

Regards

Florence

(Forum Admin)

Last night we went out for a meal for the first time in ages, he is an entertainer, part way through he got a phone call asking him if he was free to do a gig, he accepted, and promised he would come home soon, 11 is. One o'clock came and he still wasn't home, I was really upset.today we were meant to be going out but because of the stress I was in too much pain to get up, instead of asking if I was ok he stormed off and went out without me, that was 11 am, he came home at 8.30 pm only to say he has a gig and promptly left again,

He is not bothered that I have had only a sandwich all day. And that I wanted to spend the day out with him, he says he loves me but all he does at the moment is shout at me and says he is doing it for us.

I am struggling with housework, shopping, everything and he is being so downright nasty towards me, he gets very abusive and I am con fused because I don't know what I have done wrong.

Part of me wants him to go, in fact I think he might have to? It's making me I'll. Stress is not good for parkinsons. He knew I had it when I met him by the way, I got it young. I feel so I'll at the moment, what he is doing is doubly cruel, he much know that he is making it worse?

My life is he'll at the moment, I am so hurt by his behaviour and for always blaming me for everything.

I really really wanted to go out today, but I have been unable to get out of bed, he says I am lazy

I am going mad.

I am sorry for moaning, I am just so miserable. I only found out about the gambling and texting this other woman two weeks ago.he blames me for "snooping"

Apparantly now everybody hates me for making lies up about him. But bank statements don't lie. I know they don't, so why is he denying it and being so cruel to me? I just don't understand.

I tried to get an online counselling session with you by the way, but I couldn't download, save and password,protect the documents, sometimes my fingers and brain don't coordinate too well. I gave up, sorry.

I cant go on. All your advice says is to confront him with the evidence, to not accept any blame,and to tell friends, but all this has just made my life a living hell.

Starlet....

This is what I have and it is abuse and bullying.

He is demoralising you in many ways. Living his life knowing you are struggling with the basics of yours.

My husband says similar things to me. The only reason his friends don't visit or have much to do with us is because of me. They have never liked me and thinks he could have some much better than me. It's not true, of course. Just another way to knock me down, deflate me and mar my confidence. He will say it's your fault for "snooping" as it gets the heat off him....makes you feel guilty for having a lack of trust and having to lower yourself to such a level. Never mind it was his behaviour that led you to that in the first place. His behaviour and treatment of you that has damaged the trust and respect that should be there between a couple.

None of it is your fault.

One piece of advice tho, if you have had enough and want rid of him then do it and don't look back. I wish I had but I let my guilt over the children take over and now I'm further back than I ever was. You don't have to live this way and he should have more love and respect for you, especially with your illnesses. Get an injunction, have the locks changed and have someone stay with you for a few nights if you can. Women's aid and the national domestic violence helpline will be able to advise. I think now you need to work things out for you. Contact everyone you can think of - doctors, c.a.b, gamcare, women's aid etc, and arm yourself with all your rights and support options so you know that when you make that decision to end it with him, which I think you know you will, as I sense you are reaching your limit, if you haven't already, you have everything you need set up and waiting to access.

That's what I'm doing now. Working behind the scenes for me.

You can do it too. Be strong. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve so much more than this.

Good luck,

Sad x

Starlet, he is not giving you the attention you require let alone deserve! You are poorly not lazy & lacking in support (that is tantamount to neglect in my opinion) which will aggravate your illness & cause depression! You are not going mad, you are hurting & rightly so & you are going to need to figure out a way to get the vital support you need to cope! Can you phone GamCare? Do you have a health visitor? Can you speak to a GP? I don't think confronting him with the evidence will do either of you any favours...A CG that won't admit they are addicted cannot see past their next bet! Telling people won't fix things but you must tell anyone that you feel you need to!

Nothing you can do will make him stop & of course you are going to be hurting if he has been communicating with someone else whilst in a relationship with you! Only you can decide when enough is enough but whatever you do, please try & look after yourself - ODAAT

Thank you for your advice.I threw him out two weeks ago, when he came back for clothes etc he feigned a fall, well I fell for it and let him stay. I wish I were stronger.

He says he loves me, but this is not loving behaviour. He says he does a lot for"us"

I supose I am hanging on because a disabled 61 year old doesn't have much else going for her, and I I want things to be back as they were, but we're they ever good?,something about him has always niggled me. I don't know any more. Been alone in bed all day, usually I am not bedridden, it's just the stress. And not sleeping,that's the killer when he comes home he puts the main bedroom light on, which wakes me up, it's cruel. Just taken the bulb out, but I shouldn't have to.

I know I am hanging on because I hope for change, I supose we all do, but there comes a day when enough is enough.

Hi, Starlet,

I am so sorry to hear what's happening to you but you know for yourself that this abuse can't go on. And unchecked, addiction just gets worse, larger amounts, bills unpaid, you left untended.

He isn't going to see the error of his ways so you are going to have to be strong. And you are being strong, Parkinson's or no Parkinson's. S&L suggested a few possible sources of help, I would add Social Services, consider requesting an assessment of your needs. And there are other carers out there, it might be worth you paying for care at least temporarily so that you're not physically reliant on him.

Do read round the forum so that you can recognise addict behaviour for what it is. Call the helpline, tell someone you trust in real life, do what you can to get help for you,

Take care,

CW

I am beginning to realise that this behaviour is common, sadly. Why is it that the partners suffer like this. He professes to love me, but I just don't get it. His last words to me today were, live in the real world, get realistic. I told him to go as my son is coming for the day, he was crying saying he is feeling ill. Well sorry, but so am I, he came last night knocking on the door drunk at 2 am, and I am being unreasonable? He has stayed out all weekend, just coming back to sleep even though I say he can't. STILL he tells me this is all my fault. I don't get it.

Hi, Starlet,

I think my husband spent so long pushing me away (so he could gamble in peace) that he managed it. I wouldn't go back to that now.

Does your son know?

CW

Hello again Starlet

It does sound very worrying that you are being treated this way. It doesn't sound as though you are safe or looked after. Not having access to food is going to be dangerous for you. Please, call GamCare on 0808 8020 133 to talk this through. Or as others have suggested, call Women's Aid or Social Services.

His gambling is not your fault. Now you have to take care of you.

Best wishes

Forum Admin.