Hi from a mother of a cg that needs support.

Hi Katie

I too have a 20 year old son who is a CG, and I know all too well how you're feeling its an impossible situation to be in, we're caught between a rock and a hard place.

I used think that we could somehow how fix our son and that maybe we were missing something and we just had to find out what that was, but the truth is we cant fix it. Its very hard to have to accept that it has to be up to them to want to get well, nothing we say, or do or even beg them will make any difference.

This doesnt make any sense, theres an endless list of possible reasons why they gamble, it will be a different reason to each gambler, if there was a clear cut reason it would be an easier fix but it just doesnt exsist. Im sure your son is the same as mine, comes from a loving home, and they know how much theyre loved, and we could not of possibly done any more to help him, but it didnt make any difference.

Our son has stolen so many times Ive lost count, mostly from his girlfriend who gets upset but says she wants to support him so wont go to the police. He has stolen from us too and we have told him that if he ever did it again, we would report him.

At this moment we dont know where he is, Im sure hes safe somewhere but hes too angry at us as we refused to put up with his bad behaviour anymore. He says we dont support him, but what he really means is we cant be manipulated by him anymore and tell him he has to be polite to us if he wants to remain in our home, he refused and after a particularly bad day he left several weeks ago.

We have to wait until they decide they want to get well more than anything else and while wait for that we need to look after ourselves in every way, because unfortunately we are not their priority its all about the next bet for them. They will do and say what ever they need to do to get that next fix.

Im am told over and over that tough love is the only thing that has any chance of working and I firmly believe that, and lets face it no amount of love or anything else we try works.

If we could of done anything different it would of been to be tougher a lot sooner, and would of gone to the police the first time he stole from us.

You're a mum who loves her son and doing your best.

XOXOX

Thank you for your comments.

Last night while i was at work he wrote me a letter (from the heart?) saying he loves me. Saying he hates himself for being like he is. He actually says when he hears me cry he is thinking of ways to kill himself "so i can have a normal life" This has obviously worried me, i have had depression in the past and think this is what he has too. But i am no doctor!! I am going to the doctors with him later today, he asked me to...saying he needs help.

I have not reported him to my bank( yet!) for stealing from my account. I am seeing a gamcare counsellor tomorrow for support and am going to show her the letter, my worry is its just words. But he seems to realise he needs help...and wants it.

I think the root cause of his gambling is the death of his dad when he was 13. I maybe wrong, but at least he has feelings, he says he feels ashamed and is "an evil man".

Wish me (and him) luck!

Thanks again for your support on here.

Hi,

A polite reminder that CGs are v manipulative. Don't dance to his tune.

Look after yourself.

CW

k

Hi Kate,

I am a CG in recovery who has 2 sons that gamble, and one is very depressed and does ring me late at night when he is desperate and saying his goodbyes to me.

Believe me I was very shocked and very worried and traumatised indeed, when he first started all this around 10 years ago now.

At present he is on the sick (two hundred miles away) because of anxiety and stress.

Trust me I used to excuse him because of his Dad and I divorcing, when he was quite young, and then again I excused him when he and his ex went through a cot death, I kept excusing him stealing and lying from me and everyone around him, until I found recovery myself, (I did not start gambling because of my son (s) but I on my own made it an escape from how they both used and abused me, I did not understand this addiction until it hooked me. It makes us selfish, horrible manipulating, we don't care what we say, as long as we can defend our addiction, because that addiction has taken hold, it is not the real us, it is an illness. Yes it's hard to think our kids have this addiction, but society has made gambling as easy and so recreational for us as did smoking did in the fifties, sixties, and even seventies.but smoking is an addiction in a different way, to smoke is not an illness even though it can kill us, gambling is an addiction/ illness because it gets into our mind and mental health.

You cannot trust your son one iota, no matter how much he begs forgiveness, no matter how much he threatens you with his life, and no matter how much he says he will change, he will not unless he does it himself.

Catch this now, tough love, with him now, of course support him, everyday but financially, keep one step ahead don't even give him an inch to be able to access your money, or anything that he can sell,

I hope he really wants and does seek help now, ( this can go on for a long time with him) and most important none of this is your fault at all, As a CG I wished I could give you an answer as to why, but I can't,

Take all the help on offer, but stay a step back with your son, because he has to help himself with this, gentle support when they are feeling really low I think helps, but no giving or lending any money,

I did not report my son (s) to the police, I just broke their triangle with me.

I know this is not a positive post to read at this time but I am telling you how it is, your son is younger than mine, and the most positive way now to help him, is not to help him financially whatsoever, you will just be feeding his gambling addiction.

He may come out with saying horrible manipulative things to you and continue to threaten you with his own life, treat it like when he was a little boy that couldn't get his own way, ignore his threats.

That is how you can help him to nip it in the bud now, else it can get a lot worse.

Lastly as I said none of this is your fault, I know how hard it is when we see our kids hurting and in pain, but to give him money, or let any gap open for him to steal again from you is like giving him money for a drug addiction, and you would not give him money for drugs that can kill him, believe me this gambling addiction is no different it is in some ways more lethal.

Our kids are our lives, we as parents will do anything to keep them safe, soo please take a step back from your son, talk to the councillors, read the posts on here, this addiction/ illness is progressing within our society, please be kind to yourself, it's not your fault, and please be kind to your son it's not his fault either, he simply got sucked in.

Best wishes to you.

Suzanne x

Suzanne,

Thank you so much for your reply. It made so much sense at a time when not much else does! I wish you well, with your recovery. x

Hi Katie

Hearing your child wants to kill themselves is the worst thing any parent can hear, I know weve heard it several times now. When I started counselling this was my biggest fear and I felt helpless so after a lot of thought what I do now is, I give my son the number of the Samaritans and Gamcare and tell him to call them. I also have the phone number for our mental health crisis team and the Police and if he tells me this again he knows i will call them both. Believe me this one was so hard to do but once I did this and my son knows he cant use that against me he's stopped saying it. Of course it has to be taken serioulsy and if I could of got him to the gp I would of but he always refused, and to be honest Im none the less scared but I had to stop letting him emotionally black mail me.

The fact that your son wants go to his gp can only be a good thing and could be the first step to his recovery, if he goes and its not another tactic to get you off his back.

I believe most cg's have anxiety and probably depression too, Im sure my son has both and I know how that feels from personal experience and its awful. Wether the anxiety and depression led to the gambling or vice versa, we'll never know but either way it can all be dealt with and recover from if they want it badly enough.

We all want to believe the best in our kids and dont like to think they could ever manipulate us, lie to us or do any of the things that their addcition does to them but they can and do. Even though our lovely sons are in there somewhere its the addiction thats calling the shots not them, they will do and say what ever they need to do to get what they need, do not under estimate just how low they will go.

We can love them, give them moral support but nothng more, the rest is up to them they have to want to get well badly enough. Its been said that we gave up on our son and that we dont support him, that couldnt be further from the truth, we just had to break the triangle that I wished described so well otherwise the madness would never end.

You can give your son moral support, but be cautious and remember his addiction has the upper hand, not your son no matter how it appears or what sob story he gives you, believe me weve heard them all.

Our sons are young but theyre still adults and have free will and make their own decsions, nothing you or I can do can change that. They are ill and its a powerful addiction to recover from but they can if they want it badly enough, theres no half measures with this.

We have to think with our heads and not our hearts on this one, we need to be tough for them and us.

X

I used to be a CG when it came to Roulette, I can bet quite happily on football accumulators or the odd horse race if I was interested anymore, but I'm not. But when it came to Roulette I lost all self-control and would not stop until every last available source of credit was used. I was like a d**n rat sniffing out the cheese when it came to finding money for roulette.

I analysed what it was in myself that made me so vulnerable to roulette. And what I read on this thread really connected with me. So much so that I felt the need to post. I hope you don't mind?

Anxiety and self-loathing is the truth of it.

You said your son thinks of himself as an evil man? That's it - he is punishing himself for something about himself which he feels is unforgivable and must be punished.

He isn't playing roulette to win money, quite the contrary, he is playing hoping that he loses so that when he inevitably does he will get a perverse self-validation and buzz that he is getting the pain he "deserves".

This is so deep and personal to him that it can't be "cured" simply by taking away money, or by learning to put barriers in place not to gamble, the triangle etc. He needs to be made aware WHY he is gambling and then gently led towards therapy, so that he can learn to forgive himself for whatever it is in his past that is torturing him so much.

It's not easy to become self-aware. But love and support is paramount (NOT excuses or enabling or blowing of smoke up the a*s, or blaming on an "illness") but a cold hard look at oneself and why we feel the need to punish ourselves through actions that make us darkly happy when we suffer.

Best wishes to you, your son is lucky that you care enough to even come on here to post about it. That fact alone, in time, will make all the difference to his recovery - not just from gambling, but from the deeper issue of self-hate.

Molehole x

Thanks again for comments. My son has been to the doctor, and has contacted the recommended counsellor and now waiting for an appointment for counselling. Whether that be cbt or whatever they think he needs. I have seen a counsellor today, and am going to see her weekly for 12 weeks, mainly for support. It helped alot to "unburden" myself. I am looking after myself (as is the advice,time and time again) I realise its a long road to recovery for my son, but i do think we are now on that road at last!

Hi cornishkatie, just wanted to add my two pence worth as a CG (in recovery) & the child of a CG (not)...There is a huge element of self loathing attached to this addiction & when the money has run out or the gambling triangle (Time-Money-Location) is broken we have no choice but to stare it in the face! All of the above posts make very valid points & I agree as CG's we are incredibly manipulative but if he was asking for help not money, I would be hopeful! If you do need to report him to the police further down the line, they can deal with this incident @ the same time so there is no urgency if you are prepared to sit tight. Be wary of idle threats though because if he isn't ready to quit, he will be testing your boundaries.

I'm sorry for your loss too, I imagine losing the father of a child is very difficult! As long as you are looking after you first & foremost & know that there is nothing you did to cause this in your son you are on the right track! Stay strong - ODAAT