It's been a month since I discovered my partner is a CG.
Apart from the first week of shock and arguments when I tried to untangle the extent of the problem things seem to be better than they have been for yrs like some bizarre honeymoon period.
Have followed forumite advice re financial controls. Have set and monitor a budget. Partner going to meetings and I will start online counselling soon.
However partner acts like everything is fantastic. I have doubts that 8 yrs of concealed problem gambling will disappear so soon.
He seems to think that the boys weekends, playing/watching sport and nights out will very soon be back on the table.
I resent this so much. Just because he can behave himself for a month why should life be so normal? He's put me personally under financial stress for years when he was spending ВЈ'000s each month online. (but our debts are bailed out).
Am I being a total b***h? Do I need to give him a break? Just feel really unsettled.
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Hi LouiseB, me again...Echo the above!
No, you are not being a bleep & if he was taking anything in @ all @ his meetings, he would know things are very far from being 'back to normal'! It's not to say that he won't be able to do those things, just that these may need to be on your terms as he re-earns his trust...It seems that watching & playing sport can become much more enjoyable when people are in recovery. So I'm with you, he needs to be 'grounded' until some proper headway is made & you feel more settled. Personally, I wouldn't expect to be changing anything that is working for you now until he brings home his 90 day pen but your counselling may be able to make professional sense of this rather than my warped opinion.
It could well be that he has 'seen the light' & is relieved that it's out but from my own experiences & what I have read about quitting, it gets worse before it gets better.
Trust your instincts & as the ladies would say, don't do or let him do anything that doesn't feel right. Take care - ODAAT
Morning,
My husband had a similar wish to sweep a large pile of proverbial under the carpet. I gather from other posts here that it's quite common. My husband called it "moving on" and said that he was trying to look forwards but I kept looking backwards. Moving on is laudable but actually needs to be done in such a way that the emotional mess is cleared up first. By the person who made it.
Your recovery is separate to his, to be done by you in your own time and in your own way. He doesn't get to dictate the terms. His job (if he chooses to do it) is to continue with his recovery and to do what he can to reassure you and make you feel more secure.
Keep the focus on you.
CW
Thanks all, been really tricky today and has really helped to read your advice and comments to stay strong. My partner feels I am being unreasonable and need to get over it so we can get on with our lives. He's also making lots of optimistic plans for our future and self improvement which I just can't listen to. Heard it all before about the holidays we never took etc because in reality any winnings that might have paid for this only went on the CC debt or to finance more CG. Have refused to make decisions about his boys weekends for him. I have told him that it's his decision but in reality it's a test of his morality. If he picks the boys it's another reason our marriage probably won't last.
Morning,
It took a long time for the addiction to progess this far and it will take a long time and a huge effort before anything improves. GA literature talks about the addict being immature and the need to bring about a change of personality. Expecting you to just get over it with no effort from him is denying the mess and is more of the manipulation. But according to Dan (day@atime) who is long term gf, he was similar at a similar stage.
If you look at the beginning of my threads about manipulation and making amends, my husband's responses continued to baffle me, even though he had stopped. He just didn't get what he had done. Six months down the line, I gave him a second ultimatum that we needed therapy if we were to stay married and the Therapist that I consulted got through to him what I couldn't. Even now, he's one bet away from disaster but at least he knows it.
Hope this helps.
CW
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