Hi All, I'm glad I have found this forum to speak with others who can understand and not just say 'it's a phase', 'you're worrying about nothing' (both said by my mum) or 'he'll soon stop when he needs to pay for car repairs etc'.
My son is only 22 and as far as I can work out, has been gambling for around 5 years. I kind of thought he was but he didn't have access to a computer and in this tiny town everyone knows everyone else so he would never be able to use the local bookies, hotel and chip shop which all have machines, without me knowing. In my ignorance I didn't know you could gamble using your mobile! I think it all started when he found out his girlfriend was pregnant and it has carried on. Educated guess but maybe way off! He has always been very deep and unable to talk about his feelings and I know if I keep having a go at him he will completely clam up. How am I supposed to broach the subject without either screaming, crying or thumping him (never have and never will do this although I do feel like it!). All help would be gratefully received as I am at the end of my tether and this is not fair on my other children or grandson.
Hi Ria Mac. I remember when I was about 19 and in debt because of gambling. My mum knew just as you know something is up. I used to come in from work and go straight up to the room as I was always tired. My appetite suffered and I was generally pretty down. She questioned me a few times nicely asking was anything wrong and 'I'm here for you' etc. I was just so ashamed and afraid of telling her incase she would somehow not love me as much or throw me out of the house. The fear was why I didn't tell her. That all changed one day I was up in my room, not hungry for my dinner and depressed in general. Mum came upstairs and knocked the door asking was I ok. Lying there sobbing I said 'I'm fine, just let me be please'. I'm so glad she didn't listen and came into the room. She wouldn't leave until I told her what was wrong and eventually I gave in. Immediately I felt the weight lifting off my shoulders. My advice would be to let him know that no matter what is wrong you still love him and nothing will change that. That you will help him in whatever way you can and which is best for the situation. Don't leave until he opens up about it no matter how much he denies anything is wrong. Be calm. Hope this helps
Hi Ria
Im the mum of a compulsive gambler, my son turns 21 next week.
You ask how can I trust my son, the truth is you cant, a complusive gambler does lie, it doesn't matter who you are to them. Its essential that you remember this, no matter what he tells you, if he cant prove it hes lying. It helps if you seperate the lies from the love , yes you love your son but hes a cg and is going to lie, it's less upsetting when you get used to that fact.
This isn't something you can fix, nothing you say or do will make him want to stop, and this is nothing you have done. Its our instinct as mums to fix things for our children but we cant fix this, only the compulsive gambler can fix this if and only if they want recovery.
I agree with Sam to a point yes tell your son you love him and remind him he can tell you anything but I wouldn't try and force him into talking if hes not ready, in my case trying to get my son to talk to me made him more with drawn and I just got more frustrated. When ever you do talk to him try really hard to stay calm and keep it low key, constanlty bombarding him with questions wont help things. I wouldnt really say too much about the gambling, yes at first tell him you can see hes struggling and you want to support him (moral support, never financial) but after that Id just keep it to every day stuff like whats his plans for the day. If you keep it low key and he knows you're not going to be constantly on his back theres more chance that when hes ready he'll talk to you about the gambling. Its worth asking Gamcare for some information leaflets, leave them in his room, and hopefully he'll read them.
Theres all the practical things you can do like never give him money, pay his bills debts etc, or even food ( I know awful but if you do that just leaves him with more money to gamble). A cg has to feel the consequences of their actions, they need to feel the cold hard reality of what gambling does, if they are ever to want recovery, saving them from it is the worst thing you can do. I know you're probably thinking the same as me when I was told that but Ive had to learn the hard way, leaving them be is the kindest thing for them and us.
You're going to need as much emotional support as possible, call Gamcare excellent advice and they can arrange counselling for you, its free and its helped me enormously. Gamanon is also invaluable so Im told, Ive never been too far away but definetly worth it if you can get to one. Try not to let your whole life revolve around what your son is doing, wondering what hes up to, second guessing everything he says etc. Try and continue as normal a life as possible, away from your son, its vital you look after your own emotional and mental health.
Take care
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Couple of other suggestions, ring Gamcare up and ask them for some counselling. Gamcare are there for the family members of gamblers and we all need support with this problem and addiction.
Additionally I would mention Gamblers anonymous and suggest it may be worth considering for him in future if he wants to stop.
Hi RiaMac.
My best advice is that you learn to understand how dangerous an addiction it is. Its up there with the worst addictions and it shreds families and lives
Its a form of mind control and indeed an illness.
I believe you you certainly mention to him that is not acceptable to your family. You cant necessarily stop him but Its a good idea to try and talk to him about how deadly a gambling addiction is. I feel with the right tactics you will get through to him in some way. However it can be difficult so you must not upset yourself too much. Its a fine line but you will soon see if he is in denial.
Try and get him to rationalise his exact behaviour because he wont be able to. You should ask him to seek help.
Gambling is a losers game and a mugs game. A dreamworld of ignoring the odds and seeking escape. It goes beyond that into a full blown addiction which controls the mind in a trance of escape and dopamine fixes
You must state that you are not the bank of mum and dad.
This is also about you so please read some of the stories on here and keep using the forum. You may need some counselling and all the advice you can get.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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