How can I help my partner!

Hi Nikki and welcome to the GamCare forum.

So sorry you are going through this. There is a lot you can do, depending on what type of gambling he has a problem with. I've copied this thread to the Family and Friends section as well as new members, so I'm sure forum members will see and respond to your thread. In the meantime, can you tell us what kind of gambling your fiance has been doing, and where?

You can of course give us a call on the freephone Helpline or chat to us on the Netline - contact details are at the top of the page.

Best wishes

Forum Admin

Internet gambling, betting on football horses that type of thing 100quid at a time. This is all on money we didn't have, he opened up credit cards withdrew money and put it into his account to bet with. He's admitted he has a problem and is going to ring the helpline tomorrow as he's working this weekend to sort out some counselling.

Hi NW1318.

Yes a one to one call with Gamcare is a great idea as you need that direct human voice to discuss it

Also you sit down with your partner and talk it through to establish if he is ready to open up and really seek help. Its a difficult situation during which you must protect your finances and also step in to manage his. All money must be accounted for, well into the future

You can be a great help to him. The blocks must go on and he will need to be living on an allowance. All access to loans must be monitored and blocked. Computers and gadgets must have blocking software or be removed.

Gambling makes such a mess but it can be sorted if he is ready to stop....and thats genuinely ready to stop.

You will learn how powerful the addiction can be. It can be beaten however and its a case of abstinence and building a healthy mindset.

Your biggest challenge is stepping in and making sure he does these things without seeming too oppressive to him. If he is ready he will be glad to ask for help and let you help. It isnt about treating him like a baby. Its about saving his life and your financial future together.

I wish you all the very best. Please ring the trained counsellers at gamcare

Hi, NW,

Sorry to hear what's happening, been there, nightmare.

First things first, the three Cs. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Active gamblers are notorious for passing the blame, first time round, I was told that he needed to "invest" in spread betting because of my extravagance, actually, he's a CG. Make it clear that he is responsible for his gambling and it can't be justified through you.

Unchecked, your life will end up revolving round whether or not he's gambling and that's no good for you. You can't make him gamble or make him stop, the help to stop is out there for him, particularly GA and GC counselling, but he has to choose to take it. You can't make that choice for him. So focus on you.

You can't rely on him in financial terms, so do protect yourself financially as HL says. Change your passwords and PINs, don't share them, keep your cash and cards safe. Get credit reports from all three agencies in your name and his, so that you can see the true state of the debt. Don't take out debt in your name, you'll get no thanks for it and you'll be stuck with the debt.

For an active CG, money equals gambling tokens, as far as you can, don't feed the habit and discourage those close to him from giving him money or loans. My downfall was that my husband was a signatory on the children's accounts. He drained them. Separate love and trust; he can't be trusted, as he has shown you, so don't. I trust my colleagues / GP / bank manager without any of them thinking that I should love them. I don't trust my husband.

Once you're as safe as possible, get as much support and accurate information for you as you can. This is vital, otherwise you'll get overwhelmed and you should do it with or without his approval. I go to GamAnon, a few trusted friends know, and I have counselling.

Hope this helps, look after you.

CW

Hi CW,

That is hard hitting. Every post on here gets to me In different ways. When I read that I'm so glad I'm 3 weeks without a bet, that is the man I could've turned out to be.

I could never take from my children's bank accounts and I've never drawn cash from our joint bank account to gamble. Yes I'm paying my debts from the joint account. All my debts are on credit card, that's part of my addiction and it all needs paying back. Nor have I ever borrowed from family and friends to gamble.

We are all addicts, but each ones stories are different. You are no doubt a stronger woman than my wife and probably a stronger person than me! I just hope the lady NW doesn't find the amounts of debt and dishonestly you did.

So what I am really trying to say here cos I feel I'm waffling on.....

We are all addicts.

Maybe some a worse than others, at what stage do you become an addict?

My answer to that was told in my first ever post. Even if I had won that bet it wouldn't have changed a thing, I would still owe over £10k. I would hate my wife to put all the actions in place that you mention, honestly I would feel my marriage was over, zero trust left. You need trust to make a marriage work. I would love her ask me everyday/week "have you had a bet" and I could just tell the truth. Some people give up smoking and drinking in different ways so hopefully me and some of others can get over gambling addiction without such strict terms, I suppose catching a gambler at a different level of addiction to another. Maybe you agree or not, I admire you and know you are a strong woman who will not let her husbands addiction win.

Hi,

I'm sorry if you and others have taken my comments the wrong way. I said a marriage needs trust to make it last. If it's a case of not trusting a GA partner with money then I agree, but in a relationship the full meaning of trust covers far more than money. I hope you understand my point?

Hi HL,

Just read your first ever post, another story told from the heart. I'm sorry what you've been through. I can see you gave your husband more than the one chance, probably why trust is a difficult word. I'm on the CG side of the fence with the villians, you're on the victims. You've felt the pain and in your case more than others. Again I apologise if I've said anything you disagree with but I am on the other side of the fence with the villains.

Thanks.

Hi HL,

Good morning. From our discussion last night, And reading your first ever post, I told my wife, everything. Not easy but suddenly the time felt right and I had the balls to do it. We had a difficult talk for 1.5 hours which I will post in more detail later.

All I want to say is thank you to you for making me do it. Also yesterday I got a reply from Cynicle Wife and NW3138, all 3 of you with CG partners. I admire you all.

Got to get ready for work now. Will post later. Thanks

Hi NW,

I attended my first GA meeting on Friday. They told me they do another weekly meeting where the CG can go with a family or friend. Maybe your local meeting may do this??

Thanks.