Hello, I've never written in any sort of forum ever so this is a strange but comforting step! My wife and I found out today that our 20 year old son (away at 1st year Uni) has gambled over £600 (that we know of) in the past 2 weeks. His behaviour has become increasingly aggressive over the past 6 months or so and finds any excuse not to find a student job to help his finances generally. We now have the evidence (through his bank statement that I opened today in frustration and suspicion at his behaviour). The not wanitn ga job is really bizarre as he's had good summer and weekend jobs in the past but now only talks about wanting "an income", and that jobs are boring and that he's better than that. He wants to work for himself when he finishes uni (if he finishes)
Any advice on how to confront him would be appreciated as we're both fearful of his extreme reaction if we confront him over the phone. He's not due home for another few weeks, and I'm worried his problem will quickly escalate (he's already spent most of his next student loan instalment a week after receipt).
When I asked him about online betting accounts (I saw a letter from one of the big names on his desk) he says that "all students spend a bit" doing it and it's no big deal, but I know this is a bigger problem, as he's always been quite obsessive about anything he gets into, sometimes in a good way, e.g. sports achievements and keeping fit.
We just need to turn to someone to know what to do next as we love him dearly, but must try to help him to get through it, and ourselves as his being away at Uni (with his sibling at another one) is already costing us a fortune. We just can't fund a gambling life when it's supposed to be his education and personal development. Where do we start? Do we go to where he is and confront him? It feels like an unfolding nightmare tonight. Any advice hugely appreciated.
No easy way to do this I'm afraid & recovery has to come from him. If you are going to 'sit him down' for a chat, you will need to stay calm & let him know that you are there for him regardless of how frustrated you feel. Anger, frustration, manipulation, denial are all too common with us compulsive gamblers & some of the youngsters on the Friends & Family threads have become quite unmanageable. You need to get yourselves protected first.
This may well be worthy of a phonecall to GamCare. Or, can you get to a GamAnon meeting to speak to other people in your boat & see if they have any pointers.
Hopefully some of the others will be along soon.
Thanks for this. We had a call with a really helpful advisor on Gamcare tonight before I wrote. Your advice about getting ourselves protected first is sinking in.
Excuse me for the long paragraph but this is hard to use on my phone and paragraphs won't come out for some reason.
Thanks so much for your reply. Really sensible though shocking to read it in black and white. the distance doesnt help at all though it's only an hour on the train for us to get to him. What would you say is a good opener to the discussion? Any pointers regarding face to face V on the phone. We feel a bit impotent being this far away. His sibling has exams this week and next and we're terrified of this blowing up and impacting him too as they're not far from each other in location terms.
I think it would be a good idea to arrange to go up there to see him rather than over the phone where it will be easier for him to shrug it off and it might not sink in. I would start off by saying the positive things about him being at uni, you're proud of him for being there but extremely concerned. We know it not like your normal behaviour to gamble so much. If he is a clever young man, which he appears to be, and throws himself into things and is competitive and successful at sports then this is a bad personality to combine with gambling. It becomes emotional for him, he has to succeed and the only way to stick at it is to carry on until he "wins". I'd ask him honestly how long he has been gambling and reinforce the fact that it's a mugs game and you've been doing research and seen how many young guys have thrown everything away by trying to prove how "clever" they are and how many older guys wished they'd stopped when they'd had a chance - how lucky they think he is to have parents who will support heir child through this. If he tells you how long he's been gambling and he opens up get him to open up about if he's feeling anxious or stressed at uni and that this is completely normal in the first year at uni. Gambling is the most destructive and moral-stripping drug of them all and the adverts create an illusion about the murky reality that lurks beneath.
Hello,
My son's also at uni but on the other side of the fence, my husband cleared out his savings and we're still picking up the pieces. Unchecked, this addiction will drag the gambler and everyone around down to the very depths. Don't underestimate it.
I actually don't recommend confronting your son - yet. You've only just found out, the instinct is to rush in and fix but in the case of addiction, the best advice is counterintuitive. If you confront him without being good and ready, it won't go well.
Instead, wait a few days and gather as much information about this addiction as you can. If he contacts you in the meantime, be remote, don't engage with him, unsettle him, make him feel that something is wrong but don't get dragged into discussing it prematurely. And refuse point blank to discuss any requests for money, maintain the fiction that he can't be short, it's the start of term.
I recommend reading as much of this forum as possible, because information is key. When you read the stories, you may well recognise the behaviours that show up time and time again. If you can recognise the addict/CG behaviours for what they are, then you are less likely to end up being manipulated by him and the conversation is more likely to go your way. Also if there is a GamAnon meeting that is more or less commutable, it would be worth the effort to attend, you'd get a lot of useful info and the literature is helpful. Otherwise call the GC helpline a few more times, practice what you will say to him but expect aggressive denials, lies, attempts to blame you etc. Only confront him when you are ready.
Longer term, if your son agrees to accept help, follow MrM's advice. Take financial control and insist that your son attends GA regularly. Remember that the gambler will play as long as someone else pays.
Tell your other child and anyone else who your son may see as a source of cash for gambling. Otherwise you risk a situation where various family members know but they're all persuaded to keep quiet to "protect" you or even each other. You may want to have your other child involved in the process of confronting your son, but only if he is similarly informed.
Hope this helps,
CW
Hello, again,
I've just re read this thread and there are two things we've all overlooked. Firstly, divide and rule tends to serve gamblers well. If your son can set you and your wife against each other, that will be to his advantage, it weakens you where you need a strong united front. Better for you both instead to agree strategies, consequences and boundaries for his behaviour whilst he is financially dependent on you. If you won't let him come home whilst actively gambling, fine but follow it through regardless of scenes, tears, pleadings etc. Otherwise don't mention it, never issue empty threats. nb I personally was quite prepared to follow through, I had a bad time preparing because I really thought it would be necessary but in the end I didn't have to. Others who have had to follow through have found it painful in the extreme.
The other thing is that this discovery is huge for you and your wife. You both need to protect yourselves financially and emotionally and take care of yourselves.
BW,
CW
Thanks so much for all this support. We'll sleep on it and regroup tomorrow.
hi.my son has been gambling for most of his adult life.its a terrible thing to go through and watch your loved one be misearable.
i have jyst joined as im a the end of my tether trying to help my son.i am doing him more harm helping him financially.i hope i can get help as i need it as well as him.
I am the mom of a gambler. He started at about 18 yrs old and is now 26. It is a very progressive addiction and it will not just go away without a lot of work from the addict. As all others have mentioned the only way things will change is when your son admits he is a compulsive gambler. This will be the hardest part for you guys... watching your smart, athletic, son start to destroy his life while you have to stand by and be lied to and manipulated. Try to remember it's not personal...it's the addiction.
The best thing you can do for yourselves while he's away at school is to figure a way to pay anything you have to directly to the school or you will be funding his gambling not his university.
This will be one of the hardest things you as parents will go thru. You love your son dearly and sometimes what you would naturally do to help actually enables and feeds the addiction. As CW said read and research as much on this addiction as you can...knowledge is power.
Take care
Cathy
I too have found this site today because my 20 year old son is gambling! He blew £380 of someone else's money in a bookies then asked me if I would be a guarantor to a loan he was 'thinking of getting'. He hasn't hidden the fact that he puts bets on in the past and I've talked to him about it but I know he only hears what he wants to hear. This morning was the final straw, he got himself in to such a state when he suddenly realised the money he had blown was not going to just reappear! He came clean, admitted to what he had done and was like a broken little boy trying to 'promise to fix it'. I told him this time he needs to promise to get professional help, and I will take control of his finances if it will help, go with him to the doctors etc as he was so low he spoke about ending his life. My heart is breaking seeing him like this, I reach out for him, tell him he has my full support but he has to want to really help himself, I know he means it all when he says it, when he is at that deep dark helpless stage so today I finally think he has got to that point of knowing this time he needs to do something about it. Then a few hours ago I catch him 'just looking' at the racing pages?
I am exhausted, he won't ring the doctors in the morning, he won't seek counselling or help like he said he would this morning, he will gamble all his wages again tomorrow and won't have money to get to work by Thursday! I've been here over and over again with him, I'm so afraid I am going to lose him one day because he will go too far 🙁
Hi again C73, that is such a promising post...You'll sleep on it 🙂 It's horrible as loved ones to be in this situation but I think that in a very short time you guys have sussed that the bull in the china shop way that us addicts go about everything is not appropriate. Please, always put yourselves 1st & I wish you all the best!
Hope you don't mind but, worried mum, good to see you here! There is great advice on the forum but it may be advice that is hard to hear if you are used to bailing your boy out because the only way you can help him is to help yourself 1st & find a way to dish out some 'tough love'. If you haven't signed that loan, don't. My mum is a CG & I have bailed her out more times than you can imagine so don't get me wrong, I know how hard it is to say no! But if he is under your roof, lay down some strict ground rules & be prepared to stand by them! Never give an ultimatum that you cannot carry through because then it shows a weakness & you cannot do that to an addict as they will use it to manipulate you! I know, I'm not proud but I'm an addict, it's what we do!
Be strong everyone - ODAAT
Hi, WM and Janice,
If your son gambles his fares, he won't be able to get to work and there will be consequences from his employer. The best advice is to allow him to experience those consequences. But it's almost impossible without help, support and accurate information, so that's your starting point.
You can't make your sons do anything but you can help yourselves. You can change your way of thinking so that you step back and your peace of mind is not dictated by your sons' gambling. You can learn how best to offer support (including tough love) without enabling.
As mentioned previously, do read the forum, the stories and the advice and if you can get to a GamAnon meeting, it would be worthwhile.
It's said over and over that gamblers are manipulative, that they play mind games, that they make their nearest and dearest feel guilty and take the blame. For parents, there is a sense of responsibility for their childhood and upbringing - which the gamblers fully exploit. If you know that's what's happening, it helps you to deal with it.
You may want to start your own separate threads, as this was C73's. Click "New Topic" at the bottom of the Family & Friends" page.
Take care,
CW
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