Hi,
I’m new to this site, but I’m at my lowest, most confused point right now, and don’t know what to do.
My boyfriend of nearly 7 years has a gambling problem. He’s had it all throughout our relationship, but it has come and gone, with some really great times together in between.
We’ve already been through the closing our joint account stage, because he kept helping himself to money that was for our bills, and his wages are paid into my bank account.
So, the thing is, without me he pretty much has no access to money. He gets some cash in hand from a second job, but other than that, he relies on me, and apparently other people he calls his friends, and now I’ve found out, his mum.
So, as an example, he is sometimes good at poker, he goes to organised games with his friends, from what I know it’s £30 to enter and when he’s out, he’s out, and asks me to pick him up and he comes home.
Its the online poker, and the poker games when he’s been drinking is a whole different level. As I am his only reliable source for funds, he lies about where he’s going and what he’s doing when he’s out, although I know deep down he’s out playing poker. He then rings me at stupid hours in the morning when I’m sleeping and begs, literally lies in any way possible, I sometimes think he might be telling the truth, and begs for me to send him money. Until eventually after sometimes hours of him not giving in, I’ll do it. I’ll send him it. But I can’t say no. He knows how to manipulate me into doing it. Same if he’s been out and had a drink, he’ll want to come home and do some online streaming, so demands money for that. Shouts, screams, begs, calls me names, talks to me like I’m a piece of s***, threatens to break up with me, pins me down, grabs my phone to try and send the money over to his account himself. Until I just have to give in. Sometimes it’s “babe, can I please borrow £30, I’ll give it back to you tomorrow after work.” And then a couple of hours later “babe, can you please chuck me another £30”. Or making up that people are threatening to beat him up as they’ve lent him money, so I send it as I’m worried, but it’s been a lie and he’s spent that on drink and gambling too.
So I guess I’m adding fuel to the fire, but he’s so manipulating, I do it to shut him up, and if I don’t give it to him he’ll get it from someone else. I’ve now found out that he’s been doing the same to his mum, and she’s felt the same as me, like she has to do it. And now he owes her £1000 after just six months.
Every single time, the next day, he’ll say he’s sorry and act ashamed about what he’s done. Wasting our money on poker. Sorry, it’ll never happen again. Then things will be great for a few weeks, do things normal couples do, go for meals, go to the cinema, spend evenings in together. And then, it will happen again. And we’re back to square one.
I want to be saving money for the future, not living off what we get each month because he’s flittering it away, but he also says he same. That he wants to save money, do things together, save for holidays and go places etc.
I know some people may just be thinking that this wouldn’t be a problem anymore if I just said no when he asks me for money, but I don’t feel like it’s that easy. It’s hard to explain, I feel like I have to, to please him, and just keep thinking tomorrow is another day and everything will be okay.
He won’t soberly talk about his emotions or problems with me, but recently when he came home drunk, he cried and admitted he has a gambling addiction. But whether that was just to shut me up or make me feel even more guilty and sorry for him, I don’t know.
I’m always sat to think, thinking that this is somehow my fault. That I’m the reason he’s like this. He must enjoy doing it, or else he wouldn’t do it. He is the loveliest, most caring, fun, happy person, but this changes him completely. And I’m not sure how much longer I can cope.
I don’t want to give up, we live together, have done for six years, and we’re in the process of buying a house (in my name) and starting a future. That I thought we both wanted. I don’t want to walk away, as he’s my best friend and I love him with all my heart, but I can’t live feeling like this anymore. Always wondering how much money I’m going to lose out on this month.
How can I make him understand what he’s doing and what a problem he has? Or do you think maybe he just doesn’t care?
Any help and advice will be much appreciated.
Thanks, x
Hi, Laura,
The trouble is that you're enmeshed, so tangled up in him and his problems that you've got lost? The best advice is to separate yourself, not necessarily as in ending your relationship (that's your call) but in the sense of operating on the basis that he's him and you're you. Which involves learning a totally different perspective.
You didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. He's placing the bets and only he can stop, you can't stop for him. Because he's him and you're you. Thinking that if only you can get him to talk to you, you can fix him with your love, such thinking is a fantasy. It's not that you haven't tried hard enough or you need to find the right approach, method or formula. It's that he is his responsibility, not yours. You are your responsibility, not his. Which is why you certainly can make changes to your life with the right help and support but you can't make him do anything.
He may choose to gamble but you have choices. You need help and support to make them and the best advice is for you to reach out and take the help that's out there. No one will do it for you. Call the Helpline here, read the forum to educate yourself. Most importantly, you should attend GamAnon and or CoDA meetings. Going states the existence of your problem and undermines the denial.
Practically, you don't have to pay for his gambling, directly or indirectly. Protect yourself financially and don't leave cards or passwords or PINs lying about. As an adult, he has financial obligations to contribute the cost of his own maintenance. As an adult, if he runs up debt, it's his responsibility to pay it, not yours. It doesn't help for you to take that obligation from him.
You mentioned that you're not safe when you refuse to pay. No one has the right to threaten another person's safety - that's abuse. You might try the National Domestic Violence helpline 0808 2000 247.
Start looking after you. Take care,
CW
Laura, get him to read your post then he will start to realise what he is doing to you. He may get annoyed at first but once that dies down he will start to understand. If he is unwilling to speak to you sober get him to read this.
Good luck!
I have to disagree that reading your post is likely to make him understand. Gambling and getting the funds to do it is his priority and you and everyone and everything else come a very poor second. That won't change until he's ready to give up for himself.
It's not your fault, it's not his mum's fault but you are both enabling him to carry on. You can't control whether he gambles or not but you can control your own actions and reactions.
A lovely, fun and caring person wouldn't be manipulating, lying to and abusing you. Think hard about what you are getting from this relationship. Think hard about what you want need and deserve from a partner. All the time he's gambling he can't provide it.
I am a compulsive gambler and I couldnt agree more with what Lethe says.....showing him one post isnt going to change the way he looks at things. Im sure he knows exactly what it is he is doing to you even if he wouldnt never admit it.
Ive done it all in the past, lied, stole and manipulated people to get what i wanted. I took some tough love, honesty and counselling/GA to get me where I am at the moment. I had to make the effort though, nobody could do it for me.
You really need to start putting yourself first and if he is getting violent then please call the number that cynical wife has provided.Unforunately there is a possibility that things could get worse if he doesnt start to address his problems....take the advice from people who have been through similar things.
Look after yourself.
Damo
The point is, if he is unwilling to talk when sober it may help to write your feelings down and allow him to read a letter/post/email. He needs to understand what he is doing to you and how much you are hurting.
Am also not convinced about expanding time and energy talking or writing to someone who doesn't want to hear it. And if he does? Will that make him change? He has to change for him; if he stops because of you, he'll start up again because of you. It has to come from him.
Keep the focus on you, on changing your responses and on looking after yourself in financial and emotional terms.
CW
It's a point of view.
I think that anyway to communicate is good. If talking ends in arguing, write it down. Do both, do something, do anything to change the cycle of abuse
Hi Laura
Thank you for your honesty in sharing your post here. Letting others know what's going on can help. As you discovered when you and your partner's mother compared notes, secrecy only fuels the gambling.
As other forum members have said here, nothing you do or do not do is going to change his behaviour. Your priority has to be protecting yourself, financially and emotionally. The way your partner behaves when he is gambling is abusive. He is depriving you of sleep, verbally abusing and manipulating you, and physically hurting you.
It's been a couple of days now since you posted. Hope you're OK. It would be good to hear from you, hear how things are. Would you consider giving us a call on the HelpLine 0808 8020 133, or chat to us on the NetLine? We may be able to offer 1:1 support for you in your area, or at least have a chat with you. There are also support groups run by GamAnon where you, and your partner's mum if she wants, could get support from others affected by someone else's gambling. And if you want to talk to someone about your partner's abusive behaviour, as Cynical Wife said, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
The support is also there for your partner, but neither you nor us can make him accept help if he doesn't want to accept he needs it. In the meantime, we're here for you. Time to focus on you, Laura.
Best wishes
Forum Admin
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
