I have always known my OH to gamble there and then but never thought that the day would come when I would know something was wrong and demanded for him to tell me. He sat me down on saturday night and read a letter out loud tellling me he had a gambling problem and how ashamed, angry, upset and dispointed he was in himself. He had hit rock bottom and needed me to tell him I would still be there for him. Once we got through his two pages of heartfelt words, we talked and talked and got to the bottom of it- he has gambled every single penny of our savings with which we were going to buy a house end 2017/ 2018... I am speachless, feel numb and am confussed. We have just had a new addition to our family and I feel that me and my two children have been betrayed. I love him and can't imagine being without him. He has handed me his bank card and we are closing his betting account this week (just waiting for his last bet's money to be transfered over before we can close it)- He has looked into signing an agreement for them not to let him contact them for the next 6 months, has removed all apps from phone, ipad and computer and Sunday he spent the day doing so many things in the house- which he has never done before. He has told me I need to fill in his time with chores and things that should have been done forever. I am however at a lost as to how he allowed this to get this far! We are suppose to be on the same side, we have children together. He is saying all the right things but it is only day 2 of him admitting to be an addict- How can I ever trust him again. I feel confused, numb, heartbroken, scared, angry and many more emotions that I can't put down on paper. I don't understand addiction and need to find out more about what I can do to help him but also myself as I don't want to keep looking at what if's... I want to believe that he wants to change, but why has he come to the realisation that he is addict? is it because he had no more to spend!
I am a parent of a gambler and your story is so familiar. I feel so sorry for all of you and I know the shock of finding all this out is enormous. However, it is now all out in the open and it will be so much more difficult for him to gamble now the secret is out. It will have started to drive him mad to the extent there was no other way out than come clean with you. The trust issue is the real problem because you will be constantly watching his movements for quite a long time. But if he has started a recovery plan and is trying to solve the problem then for the sake of your kids, and if you really do love him, it would be best to give him the benefit of the doubt and just monitor how much you think he is genuinely doing to make things right. Make sure you can see everything he is spending i.e. bank accounts, credit cards etc. Make it a condition that if he wants your support he needs to let you help with that. I do not know what you can do about the lost money but I hope he has not left you in debt. If he has you can ring gamcare helpline for advice on that or anything else you would like to talk to them about. If you think after a while that he is still doing it then you will need to reassess everything, but hopefully he has learnt his lesson. I wish you all luck as you are probably another lovely little family who has been affected by the awful lure of the gambling companies.
Hi,
Sorry to hear it.
It's not all about him or about how you are going to stop him from gambling. (He has to address his problem and to be fair it does sound like he has plans, which is easier than denial). But this is about you and how you deal with the effect that his gambling is having on you. I would advise you to read round the forum and get GC counselling and attend GamAnon meetings. Also tell suitable friends or family to get RL support. That will all help you to cope with your situation.
It is unwise to trust someone who has not earned it and you and you alone will know if or when you feel comfortable to trust him. But I wouldn't get too hung up on it. You can separate love and trust, I trust the people in our accounts dept or my GP or the person behind the counter at the bank. I don't love them. I don't trust my husband with money, I do trust him with the kids.
Look after you.
CW
Thank you both for your comments. We have sat down and he has explained everything about the betting and handed his bank card over. I am taking it one day at a time and hope that in the future I will be able to trust him again as I do love him and can't see myself without him. I haven't told anyone in my family as I don't want them to hate him or be angry at him as this may not help with the process but I hate not being able to talk. He is also a very reserved person and I know that at present he hasn't told any of his friends and family- and I very much doubt he ever will- Probably due to pride, shame and embarrasement but also because on the family side they are not very tight nor do they share much and he hasn't got many friends. I would like him to talk to someone but GA doesn't appear to be the kind of situation he would feel comfortable in. He has said he would get help from a third party if he thinks he needs it but until then he wants to go as we go along. I know that I need to be able to talk about and will look into the support group for family and friends. I do trust him with my kids, but right now I wouldn't trust him with £5.00. Scarey to think when he is a grown man.
Thank you again for your comments.
B.
Hi again,
Just a warning: it can happen that a CG resists telling close friends and family. However, it may be that these people do know because they have been persuaded to lend money on the quiet. Each then is asked by the CG to "protect" you or each other. All of which leaves open access to gambling tokens; telling whoever needs to know blows open the secrecy and prevents this scenario.
Do what's best for you.
CW
Thank you CW.
Thank you CW.
It will one month since my partner last bet on Thursday- I have control of his finance and give him pocket money. He says he feels fine and hasn't thought about gambling since, which should be re-assuring... but reading people's post I can't stop but think how he could bet without me knowing and getting back into it. He doesn't feel he needs to talk to anyone except me, I have told my family and he knows I have told my mum as I said I can't lie to her. So far so good but how long will it last? It appears reading from everyone's experience and comments this very likely so how do I approach it.. I don't want to undoo the good work her has done so far and dampen our spirits but like I have said to him everything is now on my shoulders inc doubting things. I do worry about the furture although so far the promises he has made he has come good with.
Hi Betsy
Does he show you receipts for what he's spending? If you have control of the finances he should be accounting for every last penny he spends. It's not unheard of for even a limited allowance to get blown on gambling which in turn keeps the addiction fire burning.
Don't fall for what you want to hear either. We've all done that but a CG will look you in the eye and lie or tell you what you want to hear then go back on whatever promises they have made. Don't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof of it for yourself. It's absolutely fine not to trust him around money. He shouldn't be asking or expecting it of you. Mr L will never have unscrutinised access to family finance again even though to date he's given me no cause to think he's fallen off the wagon and he's fine with that.
Wondering if he has gone or will go back to it will drive you mad so try not to hard as it is. If he wants to he will and you can't influence that but you do have control over how much you allow his behaviour to affect your own state of mind. Main thing is to ensure he can't access the finances so any damage he might do is limited.
It's not good that he's only willing to talk to you. There is a lot of help out there including free counselling via Gamcare and regular GA meetings. If he's serious about giving up he should be doing and trying whatever it takes. Dumping it on you alone isn't fair. You have enough on your plate already and it's not your job to understand or sympathise.
Make sure you ask and say whatever you need to. No need to tiptoe. He should be ready willing and able to answer whatever you need to know honestly and patiently. It's the least he can do.
Hi, Betsy,
Echo concern about the lack of outside specialist help. He's purporting to make you his counsellor, but you're not the right person. Even if you were trained and qualified, you wouldn't treat your nearest and dearest. Professionals don't. The idea that you can fix him by talking or in any other way is a path to tears as the addiction progresses and gets worse. Keep the focus on fixing you, living with addiction is damaging and one aspect of the damage is the co-dependent desire to fix what they can't fix because it's not theirs to fix. Give his burden back to him and take up yours. He'll find the help he needs to tackle the addiction at GA and also via GC counselling but it's down to him to go and your support for him, if you want to give it, is quite separate. You look after you, GamAnon meetings are worthwhile.
You didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling (even with receipts) and you can't Cure the gambling. Your problem is the effect that he's having on you. To bet or not to bet is down to him.
Addiction of any type can be overcome with effort and commitment to doing what it takes. However, there's an addict tendency known in AA as "terminal uniqueness". It's an aspect of denial, the idea that he's not quite like the other "real" addicts at GA or GC, his case is different and the standard advice suitable for "real" addicts, especially the bits that sound harder, don't apply to him, there's an attempt to do it differently or rewrite more convenient rules and it doesn't work. If you look at the diaries, you'll see a real difference between those who are prepared to do what it takes and those who find every reason not to because they're different.
Keep the focus on your needs, take care.
CW
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