How can I trust him

Hi

I handed over all finances to my wife.

The simple truth money was a fuel for my addiction.

The simple truth money was tool I used to run away in fear and panick.

My fears came from living in such high levels of fear and complete panick..

There have been lots of people in GA recovery roooms who need to heal their hurt inner child.

There have been lots of people in Gamanon recovery rooms who need to heal their hurt inner child.

Recovery means healing.

Recovery only happens once we stop causing our self pains and self suffering.

Dave L

Hi Annie and well done for reaching out. The question of trust is a minefield. I was the gambler who broke the trust so I can give you that insight.

For me I would be offering everything to save my relationship. I offered to hand over finances. I gave full access to bank accounts and credit files. I laid everything bare. I was happy to essentially live like a child, getting pocket money, until I had earned back the trust. That's the route we have to take to beat this and at least attempt to get back some kind of trust. 

On the other hand, I can see how over time, the overwhelming sense of having on control would be stifling. Privacy is something we all need. To save my relationship however I would understand that this process would take time. I lied for years about my finances, the least I could do is allow the trust to be rebuilt over the same timescale.

Many people recover from gambling either as a couple or alone. It can be done. Some relationships grow stronger. Others fall apart due to trust issues or failure to stick to recovery. This unfortunately is something you and your partner will have to figure out together. Ask yourself if you could ever trust him again. Ask him if he could live with having no control over his finances for a considerable length of time. You both need to work at this and he will have to accept that he majority of the effort has to come from him. You have done nothing wrong.

I hope you find the answers you need. Time for a sit down, adult chat, with emotions left out of it on both your parts. He is scared, you are hurt. Lay it bare and hash it out. Good luck.

Stay strong 👍 

Thank you both for replying and offering me advice. I admire your honesty in your replies it can’t be easy. 

I have encouraged counselling and using this site for support but he’s reluctant to go ahead with it. I would agree there is likely past trauma that manifests into escapism through gambling but how do I help him help himself ??

Should I suggest I need to have access to all finances? I don’t think he’ll be 💯 honest or like giving me everything. If he says no is that a red flag ?

It’s tough to say. Everyone has their own way of beating this. The first step has to be complete acceptance that there is a problem. Usually that means full and honest disclosure. Admitting defeat is the hardest part. Reluctance engage with recovery options to me is a red flag but I’m no expert. 

In all honesty, this has to be led by him. If he truly wants to quit, he should be here asking for help. He should be offering his soul to you and begging for you to trust him and help him. That’s just my opinion, but those who seem to succeed in here are those who truly throw themselves into recovery. No holds barred. Anything else and, in my opinion, he’s not ready to give up fully yet. This usually means there is some kind of misguided opinion, that they still have some control, and can gamble responsibly. It may work for short periods but will always end in disaster. 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, and as mentioned this is just my opinion from my experience. I do think he needs to read some of other people’s thoughts on here, then sit down and seriously go through his banking. If he can only do this on his own then so be it. Maybe it will make him realise the problem is real. Honesty is the only way, and this begins with the gambler. We lie to ourselves primarily and drag others into the lies. Once we see the truth things can change, but it’s often hard to see the truth if we don’t want to see it. 

Stay strong 💪 

hi anne sorry to hear you are going through this horrible experience with your husband gambling addicts are very devious and like to portray a sense of success as a frontal to their character in reality they are just basically liars who will use every tool available to deceive anyone and everyone who will buy the story .the only way to succeed in stopping gambling is to admit defeat no one will ever defeat the gambling industry its set up that in the long term to take every last penny and your health wealth and soul from you and then spit you out like a piece of c**P on their shoe and then look for the next mug to strip .of every last penny.if your husband is serious to stop gambling every single block imagineable has to be put in place from gamban gamblock all betting sites online self exclusion from all bookies using the excellent moses gambling blocks on bank accounts and the brill gamcare professional staff who can point you in the right direction for debt advice and one to one counselling .