Hi, I’m back again. Last time was 5 years ago. A week ago my husband of 18 years took an overdose. I was away with my daughter. I got worried when I couldn’t get hold of him and asked a friend to go round to the house, he got him to Hospital in time.
He’s been gambling again for the last 18 months. I had recently become concerned about financial situation and had started to investigate. He knew he was about to be found out. Things have not been great between us for a while. I thought we were drifting apart, l did ask him if he was gambling, several times but he always denied it.
Last time it was £25,000, this time it is £67,000. This is all on credit cards in his name. Last time he stopped, we put the money on the mortgage. I foolishly believed him that he wouldn’t do it again. I thought I would leave him, if he did but I can’t, despite everything, I love him so much and can’t imagine life without him. That said, I am not prepared to pay another penny of his gambling debts. He has said he will get help and he went to GA this week.
Does anyone have advice about separating finances. We both have reasonably well paid jobs but I can’t afford all everything on my salary. I would like to take his name off the mortgage so he cannot lose the house if he does it again. Does anyone have any experience of this, or advice they can offer? I’m just so worried about the future at the moment.
Hi Sarah I'm so sorry to hear what's happening. Your husband needs real support with his mental health. My husband also has had severe depression. This is what we did. Firstly his salary went straight to my bank account (we had nothing joint except the mortgage). He arranged long term loans to cover the debt. (We'd done the mortgage too, before). We approached building society about solitary name change but because I was at home with kids they refused. If you earn enough they should do it. There is also an arrangement where your partner is just a 'tenant'. Mortgage, bills come first. He will have to approach his lenders himself. Stepchange and debt camel are helpful. He can arrange a repayment plan etc. There may be a case of irresponsible lending if he could get 67k on cards! Look at credit reports to see extent of the debt (clearscore, Experian, noddle, and money saving expert). I also did lots of lists of expenditure, things you forget about. Seek legal advice if you have to, you can secure your property once it's moved into your name. Someone will hopefully come on with far more advice than me. The other thing you need is support for you. Find a gamanon meeting to get help and support. I learnt so much, things I knew nothing about regarding debt, and how to safeguard yourself. If you can't find a meeting there is online chat on Sunday night 8-9. You've got nothing to lose. Keep asking questions here too. In my experience taking away responsibility of money really helps. Make sure online blocks are in place too. Gamstop is a 5 year aid to sign up to. Another thing my husband did was keep his bank account open which then aided him to get loans to gamble. If you take over finance make sure you take over his accounts too, change all passwords. Plus they sometimes have noted all card numbers down so don't actually need the card, cancel all those. I held onto driving license and passport, all ways to get money. I hope this helps.
Hi Merry Go Round,
Thank you for taking the time to reply. We have 2 joint accounts, I am in the process of closing one and having the other one made into a single account in my name. I am making sure all the direct debits for his credit cards will be going out of his bank account. I have access to this at the moment. I have cut up all his bank cards and credit cards so he can't use them and I have online access for all of his credit cards. I have control of his paypal account.
Once I have separated all the bank accounts, we will only have the mortgage linking us. He has said that he would hand that over to me but having had a look online it doesn't look like he would be able to do this. We don't have children together.
It is absolutely a case of irresponsibe lending - he was only using these cards for gambling and no one checked whether it was a problem or not. He has registered with Step Change, I will have a look at Debt Camel. I have had a look at his Experian report so I can see he is now telling me the truth. I don't feel like I will ever trust him with money again. I tried to speak to a Solicitor but she was not interested as I was not planning to separate from him. Although this is putting a huge strain on the relationship and I'm not sure if we will be able to get over it, we have an appointment booked for couples counselling so I guess only time will tell. It's really hard I just wake up every morning feeling so angry and let down. My daughter has asked me out for lunch tomorrow but I've told him I'm not going unless he can organise to be with someone while I'm gone. I don't have a Gam-anon meeting near where I live, I really wish I did, but I am planning to log on to the online meeting on Sunday night.
Are you still with your husband?
Hi Sarah
I am so sorry for both you and your husband. Such a devastating addiction.
I am the mom of a compulsive gambler so joint finances aren't a real problem in my world. I do however go to Gam Anon and we have a wife that like you chose to stay with her husband. She was able to get a financial seperation whereby from that point forward she was no longer responsible for any new debt he incurred. I'm in Canada so not sure if you would have the same rules/laws?
Cathyx
Hi Sarah yes I'm with my husband. Once I got to grips with 'I can't stop him' and managed the money I felt better. Gambling is an escape, a coping mechanism, it's not intentional to cause the damage, they just get out of control. Experian is not the only credit report company. Diff banks, diff agency so look at all of them. This is all a massive shock, so anger is natural. I would hold off paying what you cannot afford until you have worked everything out. Gambling debts come last. Credit cards can be negotiated, let them wait. Stepchange will be able to advise you too, they are very informative and helpful. Go to lunch with your daughter, life goes on. Get him to sign up to gamstop. Any money he has he supplies a receipt for what he purchases. You can definitely do the tenancy thing if you earn enough even staying married. A friend of mines mother did it. I just looked it up 'tenancy in common'. That should help you. Beware of cutting up cards, he can order new, I would cancel them. GA is the best place so eventually if he sticks at it you will see improvements.
Thank you. Feeling really low at the moment. Just feels like a life sentence. I thought we’d just got ourselves out of the last episode. We actually went on holiday this year and I’d started planning next years. At the moment, can’t see a time that we’ll be able to do that again.
Sarah it's early days, try not to worry about the future. Everything is manageable. You still have to live, not lavishly but live just the same. In some ways it is very daunting but once you get everything in place it does improve. We all have down days. You're still in shock, we all think it's stopped and then it rears its head again. In your case the important thing is to make sure your husband gets help for his mental health too. You have to look after yourself, not get sucked into the gambling chaos, not let it occupy your every thought. You will see changes in him if he stops, if he keeps going to GA, sorts out his depression. Don't make rash decisions this early on. I'm not denying it's totally overwhelming, but it does get better.
Hi Sarah,
Living with and addict is very stressful, as is being an addict.Your husband needs support, but it will only be helpful if he commits to recovery. If you choose to continue the relationship you need to really educate yourself regarding this addiction, GamAnon meetings are one of the best places for this.
I have gambled for years oblivoius to the fact that I had a problem. I did not get into debt adn could stop for spells so seemed I was in control, it was not until I had serious reponsabilities to my family that I realsied I had an issue. I went to councelling and all sorts but still I kept going back, as deep down the thought of not gambling again was too big a thiing for me to do. GA helped change my mind set, its still a daily battle but life is managable again. Relationships are better, I feel stronger mentally.
Your husband needs help no doubt, but he has to really want to do it, otherwise you are all wasting your time. I would suggest councelling also, possibly as a couple so you can tease out any issues that may be there and it will be good for you also. I used gambling as a way of running away from my issues, it really is like a drug. This is why getting barriers in place is vital. If he has no access to money or credit he simply cannot bet, the harder it is for him to bet the better. One thing is for certain, there is no switch here to turn off, he will get urges again to gamble. I myself replased but the barriers and GA meetings helped minimaise the damage and get me back on track.
I wish you both well
Thank you Joe-90, he says he is committed to recovery and has let me take total control of the finances. He has committed to going to GA this time, something which he did not do before.
I have serious concerns though, he has lied and cheated so much. His way to stop was to take an overdose when he realised that I was going to find out. He says he loves me but it is so hard to square that with the things he has done, if I think about it to much I get so angry with him, and with with online casinos. It is an addiction that is so easy to hide I’m not normally an angry person and it’s killing me. I don’t know if I can get over it.
There’s no Gam-anon meeting anywhere near where I live but I’m going to see if I can set one up. I would really welcome the opportunity to speak to others in a similar situation. I feel like he has trashed our relationship, again. I don’t know why I don’t just leave him but he is such a lovely man when he is not gambling.
He gave me access to the email account he used for gambling and the amount of emails they send with offers and inducements is disgusting. I can’t believe it is allowed.
Dear Sarah,
Welcome back to the Forum!
You just had a very tough experience which follows difficult times over the past years. I was glad to read that your husband is OK and was brought to hospital in time.
You ask about separating finances and liability for debts. The following are from our website:
StepChange Debt Charity provides debt counselling. If you are thinking about taking on a debt management plan (DMP), StepChange Debt Charity provide realistic advice and a DMP with no fees attached. Visit StepChange Debt Remedy - their anonymous, online debt advice service: www.stepchange.org
You can also find free, unbiased and independent advice through the Money Advice Service: www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk
Free debt help and management:
National Debtline: www.nationaldebtline.co.uk
PayPlan is one of the UK’s largest providers of free debt advice. As well as offering general debt advice, PayPlan also offers comprehensive guidance on a wide range of practical, long-term debt solutions. More information is available at: www.payplan.com/gamcare/
Your local Citizens Advice Bureau would probably also be able to help.
I also wondered whether you would like to contact us directly on the HelpLine 0808 80 20 133 or on the NetLine https://www.gamcare.org.uk/frontline-services/netline
Both services are open from 8 am to midnight every day. We woul;d be happy to offer you additional support directly.
Kind wishes
Gabriele
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