How serious is my girlfriend's problem?

Hi H-L,

Thank you very much for your really helpful and thoughtful response. It seems very much as though there is a long way to go and a lot of interlinked issues I should be aware of. Thank you for taking the time to post.

One quick question. She is really private and compartmentalises her life a great deal. I wondered is this common in problem gamblers? I love her but I'm trying to understand certain things I'm seeing and experiencing.

Speaking as someone who is addicted to gambling I'd say she definitely has an issue with gambling. I think you must at once stop facilitating gambling and the amounts she is losing are not small. I believed I could control my gambling for years. It can take an awful long time to admit you have a serious issue and can't stop. Gamblers don't win either. Over time we can't win as we can't stop. All wins are cancelled out with losses at a later day or time. I think if you really want to help her you should immediately speak to her about money and how you are no longer able to provide her with money to gamble. By bailing her out each time and paying her rent etc you are financially losing massively to gambling and until she experiences the full impact of her losses she will continue to gamble at both hers and your expense.

You need to explain the reasons for stopping helping out financially. She must begin to take full responsibility for the money she is losing. Until you let her and stop providing funds you are making her problem worse.

I am sorry to sound harsh but just using my personal experiences of being addicted.

Also expect her to lie about money and cover up how much she has spent if she knows it's becoming more of an issue. To really help her out you need to find a way to help her see she has an issue and she must decide she wants to tackle it. Only then will you be able to help and and by the sounds if it you may need to ultimately take care if her bank cards for a while but only if she admits her issue and wants your help in this way. I hate to say it but it could be a long journey before you get to that stage. Until then just don't facilitate gambling any more ... Don't go with her to casinos ... Arrange other ways for you to spend your time. Explain your concerns to her and tell her you no longer want to visit casinos .

I wish you well with everything.

Boxingdaysmay15

If gambling is causing problems in her life, either financially or in her home life, then by definition she has a gambling problem.

Since she is gambling her rent money away, she does have a gambling issue. It would be best if she addresses the problem now, before she is able to access large amounts of credit.

Many of my fellow recovering members of GA are of the 'quiet' personality. It is a reasonably common characteristic among CGs. However I know a lot of 'quiet' people who are not problem gamblers as well. As Half-Life has said, CGs tend to like to hide from life. The worse their gambling becomes, the more they are likely to remove thenselves from social activities and the like.

She will probably not welcome any questions re her gambling activities, but as her boyfriend, I think you have the right to express your concern, and point out to her that she is gambling beyond her means. The longer she continues to gamble, the more likelihood that her gambling will get worse.

I never thought when I was gambling that I would end up in the financial position I am in now. (Until the last 3 or 4 years anyway). Once you accumulate some debt and then try to gamble your way out of that debt, you are on the road to financial disaster. This is what most CGs end up doing. 🙁

Take care

Thanks, all for your insights and advice, which are so helpful.

I wondered if I could ask another piece of advice. None of her friendship circle know she gambles. She has one close friend who is really clued up and has her head screwed on (she is a qualified psychologist). As I know my gf will need support around her I was wondering about speaking to this friend and making her aware of the issues and the need for a circle of support. The problem is that my girlfriend is so private she'd certainly see my speaking to anoter person as a major betrayal of trust and te relationship, which is very important to me, would probably be over. Of course I wouldn't be able to guarantee the confidentiality of the friend. In the relationship, social activities other than gambling (or going out drinking) ceased once the gambling kicked in and escalated; getting her to do other things was never easy (though in a phone call yesterday she mentioned about us going to the gym together in evenings when she's back in uk). So I thought getting a friend to chip in with encouragement to do things in evenings may help, and that as someone who knows her the friend might also be able to advise on ways of talking to her about the problem and even intervene in some way should she drop any hints to the friend about gambling or other problems. However, she is so private she'd certainly see this as a major betrayal and I would not want to cause her to feel hurt or weaken her trust in others by doing this at a time when she needs people around her. Is it ever wise to speak to the close friend of someone going through such problems in an attempt to build a support network or is one better off just leaving it between the two of us and trying to get her to reach out to services (which I am fairly sure she won't be interested in - she seems quite opposed to the idea of counselling and therapy in general).

many thanks again

Gambling thrives on secrecy & she will hate that you have told someone! I would suggest rather than go behind her back, give her some other options 1st as this is a massive breach of trust that your relationship may not survive! If you were telling to get support yourself it would be very different but personally I think you telling her friend would be tantamount to deciding what support she gets & I genuinely believe it could completely backfire & may even ruin her friendship! I know you love her & want to help bit you can't make a compulsive gambler get help I'm afraid! Sit her down, be honest with her & if you are up to it, offer your support but don't push too hard!

Her suggesting activities is really positive, I really hope you figure this out - ODAAT

Thank you very much again for your comments. They are really helpful - I won't say anything to her friend.

its difficult. Being in a relationship with a compulsive gambler makes it hard even to know where you stand.The promises of a special evening that will never happen because instead she was gambling. Or the secrecy and really compartmentalised life in the case of this person. And the passive aggression. One day she spent hours giving me passive aggressive treatment. The arguments....often these seem to coincide with gambling. I've never ever even considered cheating on her but I am regularly accused of it. The arguments and accusations nearly always coincide with her gambling. One night I texted my mother while sitting next to her in a casino while she played on a slot machine. She exploded and accused me of cheating and texting another woman and refused to look at my phone to see that it was only my mother. The lows and the fights and the wrongful accusations seem to occur most when she's been spending a lot of time gambling. It's as though she feels low about herself and projects it onto my behaviour ("oh well he is bound to do something bad to me..."). And once accused I am never allowed to be innocent. So the next time she's on a low after gambling I will be accused again and the burden of evidence will be my previous misdemeanour (which will always be something she previously accused me of after she had been gambling that I had not actually done.....). It's not easy. And I suppose in a situation where the person is not trusting to speak to a friend about her problem would be well meaning but a terrible mistake. It would undermine her trust further.

Anyway sorry for going on... And thank you all for the advice 🙂

Thanks again for the support.

HL, I'm trying to put my own life back on track and take care of myself. Hopefully things will improve. I am still quite conflicted about the extent of her problem and whether I am exaggerating it. Thinking logically I suppose that if she didn't have an addiction she wouldn't still be gambling. She doesn't see it as an addiction, but just as something she chooses to do. But while she acknowledges that things went way too far in her casino habit recently she seems to think she can step back and return to responsible gambling. I don't think she ever can do that: things got out of control once and they can do again. I'd feel far happier if she wasn't gambling at all. She is a highly educated woman who is in danger of throwing away everything she has worked for. It's hard to watch this happen to someone you love.

Addiction has no boundaries, come to a gam anon meeting and see the range of families who find their lives being devastated by one member's addiction. Come and get some of thesupport and understanding on offer too, we all need it.

I think it sounds like she is in the denial stage, so you have a tough road until that changes, keep talking

I'm posting a follow up. I don't know right now where the relationship stands but her gambling seems worse than ever. In September she brought her brother into the country (they are from another EU country) along with his girlfriend. He is addicted - if he can't get to the casino he will go to the betting shop to complete football prediction coupons.

Between 4th and 12th September she was in the casino six times; thereafter it has been four times a week. With the brother in tow her gambling is now more aggressive so while she's had a couple of decent wins, including a £700 win on a slot machine, she loses faster. In late September I sat her down and said "on my salary (50k) I should have money left at the end of the month but I don't because of all the extra costs to me caused by all the gambling away of your money. Within two weeks of my next payday my card wouldn't work and I still had bills to pay. This time I sat her down and calmly asked her "is it just me or do you think the gambling is having too much impact on our lives? What are the impacts you feel it is having? How is it affecting us?" She became aggressive and defensive and yelled at me that I was accusing her and her brother of being addicts when they aren't. I responded that I hadn't said this but just asked a genuine question. The next day I told her that my money had run out. Se accused me of lying and said "I know what you earn and if you don't have money, you should have tens of thousands in savings on your salary". I explained my savings had gone into home maintenance and improvement and then on the extra costs caused by her gambling including paying all the rent on her flat and latterly supporting two other new arrivals as well when at the time I we the only breadwinner and two of the other three people were gambling non stop.

The brother found a part time cleaning job on the minimum wage but seems to lose all his money in the casino. His girlfriend holds down two jobs and seems to support him financially. She told me two days ago "they are gambling addicts and they won't just lose their money, they will end up also losing their people. I don't plan to stay here for long". Yesterday she told me that she had given him 30 to top up the gas and electricity cards and he had lost it in the casino. This morning he was telling me that he will go to the casino again tonight (which means he will probably have to "borrow" from his por girlfriend").

My girlfriend is back "home" for Christmas and has been regularly gambling in the local casino there with her mother and aunts. I was due to spend Christmas with them but at the last minute I didn't go to the airport because when the brothers girlfriend told me how much gambling the family has been doing out there I thought I can't go, so I sent a text with an excuse and didn't fly. So she's angry and not talking to me and it may be the end of the relationship.

If it is the end then I guess at least that saves me from further harm caused by her gambling. I'm not in a good position financially even though I have stopped giving her money to gamble with, but still I love her and wish there was some way to get her to realise she has a problem and needs help.

I'm not sure what else can be done. Her crazy sleeping patterns caused me major work problems and exhaustion as well as the financial problems. She engineered her way out of her last rent contract and moved into a more expensive apartment. From January she will have no income (her own part time work between October and December has finished and won't be extended). She has such chaotic hours and lifestyle I don't think she's capable of proper work. The brother works 20 hours a week as a cleaner. His girlfriend works 30 hours per week on the minimum wage in two jobs. Their monthly expenses without food will be around £900. I see crisis looming. It's like watching a cartoon in which wily e coyote or whichever character runs off the edge of the cliff and for a short while their legs keep going and they think they are still moving but suddenly they plummet.

Maybe this crisis is what they need to make them realise but I don't think it will make any difference. They aren't self aware enough. The brother I am sure has a learning disability. She seems to have mental health problems - she is deeply paranoid (I can't even use my phone) and everything is always somebody else's fault. If they do have a crisis it will be because other people didn't give them work or because I let her down and it ended and I wouldn't pay any more. It won't be because of her mistakes.

It's very sad to witness. I love her even though I've even been assaulted in one of her paranoid jealous rages. I can't and won't give them any more financial help which would just fuel her gambling and cause me more problems. But I wish there was something I could do.... Some way to get her to realise.

The brothers girlfriend had a long conversation with me, telling me that they are childlike (my gf is in her early 30s) and that we are child minders, that they have a gambling addiction and will never change, outlining all her attempts to talk to them about it and their insulting responses to her. She told me bluntly: "you've don't too much for them already.... Now you have to decide what's right for you. It's not normal. They have the minds of children, they are stubborn, and she is the strong one but only because she likes control and she will never admit to being wrong or making a mistake. You can't help them and I can't help them any more."

Is there one last way I can try? Perhaps emailing her and saying look, even if it's over, just think about the gambling and how you will survive now you've lost everything in the casino and you have big rent to pay". Or is even that just a waste of time and effort.

I'm focusing now on taking care of myself and my emotional, physical, psychological and financial wellbeing and welfare. But I can't help but feel very sad when I see the situation they are in and when I see the disasters that I think will unfold in their lives in the months to come. She's in such denial about her gambling that she will even tell me that she thinks people who don't gamble are pointless and boring. She is doing nothing in her studies, sleeping about 4am every single night even when she doesn't gamble (she says thoughts go round in her head stopping her from sleeping at normal times), waking in the afternoon, and then either binge drinking at night or going to the casino (which is usually four times a week). She has power in the house because she has her brother; they decide between themselves what happens and then involve the girlfriend or myself once the decision (which is really always her decision not his) has been reached. The girlfriend told me she's unhappy, sitting alone four nights a week while they are gambling at the casino. The situation is dire: I don't see how she can survive financially or how she can catch up with her studies, not how she can find a normal job to support herself. As for the brother, he has a low attention span and a very poor memory and barely speaks English so his chances of finding extra work are low. She has very low self esteem, and she is paranoid: if the wake up alarm on my phone goes off she thinks I'm getting secret phone calls. None of her friends know she gambles. It's a secret like the many other secrets she keeps about herself. It's painful watching it all unfolding but I think the crisis will happen soon and I think that all she will do is blame other people or external circumstances and not even recognise the role played in the crisis by her gambling and her underlying problems. She won't talk about problems - any conversation is "too heavy" and she doesn't believe in therapy or co
unseling. The gambling is engrained behaviour within her family. I care about her and still love her. I want to be able to help but just don't know how or if I can.

o*g, what a sad situation for you to be in but you have given it your best! I understand how upset you are but not getting on that plane was absolutely the right decision! It will hurt to let her go but if she is in denial after everything you have explained then, it is the only way to protect yourself! Don't think I'm being harsh but her jealous behaviour in itself is enough to have considered walking away! You deserve so much more than this!

My advice is, let her go! Your heart will heal but she will not get better until she is ready to accept she has a problem! Look after your money, look after your heart & start rebuilding a proper future for yourself - ODAAT

Hi so sorry you are going through this you sound like a lovely person. You have tried your best with your girlfriend. You have offered support. You did right to withdraw financial help, you get no thanks and always end up back at square one again. She cannot help it she has no control over this addiction and if her family are all gambling it is going to be very difficult for her to change and pull away from gambling. I found out my son was a cg four weeks ago. By looking at his bank statements he began with the odd £5 bet to three years later £1200 a month. He denied it, said it wasn't a problem. With intervention from me and his dad he is doing better, we have his bank card and put money on a pre paid card every week. This is my son (25) we are in this long term with him, she is your girlfriend, yes you love her but are you ready to commit to supporting her through this addiction? If you want to try and make a go of your relationship you need to lay rules down and not waver from them. As I said if her family gamble she is going to find this really difficult. You will be sad for the life you could have with your girlfriend if she wasn't a cg. Take care of yourself. - wcid

ODAAT, wcid, thanks for your comments and support.

wcid, it must have been very difficult for you to discover and deal with your son's problem. It sounds as though you are a very strong family unit, and he is very lucky to have you behind him, trying to support and pull him in the right direction. One of the reasons why I decided I couldn't go to spend Christmas with her was because when I began having serious financial problems, family and friends rallied around me even when she was refusing to believe that I was experiencing difficulties. For me to go and find myself in a situation where there was gambling going on would, I felt, have been a betrayal of those who had supported me (and a betrayal of myself and, in fact, if her at the very time she needs people trying to help her realise the extent of her addiction). Hopefully your son will realise how hard you are all striving to get him to recognise and deal with his problems, and I hope that in time things will improve for him and all of you.

I feel very guilty for all the times I facilitated my girlfriends gambling. I was there with her. I would for a long time give her money to gamble with or otherwise provide her with money that facilitated her gambling, I wish I had never done any of those things. I love her. I think she has underlying issues: she has low self esteem, has serious trust issues, and she has a markedly paranoid personality. She always assumes I'm lying: if I need to go to my house to collect my bag with my work things, in her mind it's just an excuse. I feel I can't even use my phone or meet friends for a quick beer. I see her in the casino when she's gambling and it is as though she zones out of reality and can't stop until she's lost it all. Once when she was stressed she said "if my mum was here she would know what to do - she'd take me to the casino so I could concentrate on something else and block it all out."

shes not a bad person - I love her. But she's an addict and the combination of her and her brother is not good - they bring out the worst in each other's gambling. It's all been very difficult. I don't even think she truly enjoys gambling. I think deep down she really isn't happy. If she was less stubborn, more self aware (I've never heard the word "sorry" from her in a year - everything is always the fault of me or somebody else - she is never to blame for anything, and the refusal to ever apologise suggests either a lack of respect or empathy for others' feelings when she has hurt them). It's not an easy situation at all. I love her and wish dearly that I was over there with her for Christmas but I know if I was, there'd be some gambling going on and to be honest that's one thing that I can no longer tolerate. There has been too much of it and it's affected my life in many ways. It's also affecting her life and I hope it's not too late for her to realise and turn things around. I can't be involved in something so harmful to me (and to her).

can I still do something to help? What can I say to someone so stubborn that she will not listen, so insecure that she will perceive any constructive discussion as an attack, and who doesn't like admitting to anything that may seem like a fault or a mistake on her part? To someone who just sees all this gambling as entirely normal and unproblematic? What can be said? How can I support her with her rent in the new year? Doing so will inevitably mean helping her financially, which indirectly fuels the gambling. It's all difficult. So torn and conflicted, and at the same time now trying hard to draw and maintain boundaries that will protect me.... And yet desperately wanting to help her because I care.

Hi, CB

Sorry to hear what's been happening to you. Grim.

But a nasty question for you to think about: Why would she bother to change her present behaviour?

You're worried about whether she'll end the relationship? Of course she won't...because she has no reason to change what's working for her. There's nothing unusual about an addict in denial threatening to leave but whilst you take what she dishes out and clear up her mess, why would she go anywhere?

I'm not unsympathetic, I've been there, but if things are to change, if your situation is to improve, you need to change how you deal with her. It's really hard to be on the receiving end of all this for so very long. Your own thought processes become warped, you can sort of see that what the CG is doing isn't nice (downright abusive?) but you don't feel that you can do anything. You end up believing what the addict tells you and that's no good.

You need two things, support and information. Otherwise you'll stay trapped. Both are available on the forum, via the GC helpline, also at GamAnon. But no one is going to come along to rescue you...no one thus far has rescued me! It's down to you to do what you can to help yourself. And once you have the support and info, making sensible choices for yourself becomes easier.

Look after yourself.

BW,

CW

Hi CW,

Thanks for your thoughts and comments. You're right in everything you say, and also right that my reactions and responses to her must change and that nobody will rescue me. I began changing my behaviour, more regularly challenging the gambling, making it clear to her that the money flow could not and would not continue. After this the relationship became far more rocky, which has led me to question her motives and feelings, and prompted me to do a lot of serious thinking. Yes, her behaviour has been if not downright abjsive then at the very least it has placed many restrictions upon what I can do: her sleeping routines have affected my life and work a lot, her paranoia has affected my ability to maintain a healthy social life and even to use my phone, the gambling has placed financial restrictions on me, I could go on (and on.... ). That's not healthy and now I'm just doing what I have to do and if she thinks I'm rejecting her or letting her down then she just has to deal with the fact that this is not only about her needs and I have needs and responsibilities too.

But it isn't easy and the situation has warped my thinking; I entered counseling as a way of working through how I was responding to her behaviour. Any tips and pointers on different and more effective ways of dealing with and responding to a cg would be much appreciated. I'm fairly sure there are also underlying mental health issues; there must be given all the accusations she throws at me for the slightest thing. She simply cannot trust and has paranoid reactions to innocent things. I guess any tips on how to react would be really appreciated and helpful, as you say, I have to take responsibility and break out of te codependent relationship she created (a lot of her close relationships are very codependent) and see if there is some way of making it far more normal (and if not then it simply cannot continue it is so unhealthy). I love her but right now she is trying to set all the terms and it's therefore only working to fuel her various issues (including gambling) and not address them or my needs.

Thanks and best 😉