How serious is my girlfriend's problem?

I'm not a Mum & don't exactly have a normal relationship with mine but it's a mother's job to protect their children & support them like the Mums on this site & as much as I don't like the feeling I get when I hear what your mum said, I think I know in my heart that she is giving you tough love the way CW has & will not be meaning harm by it!

You know it is an unhealthy relationship, you are trying to figure out how to manage it & from here! I can't begin to imagine what it is like being caught up in such a toxic relationship, whether you think you can save her or should be strong enough to stand up to her, I just can't see how you cannot be afraid of what she is capable of! Whether you are addicted to the relationship or scared to let her go for her is all rather irrelevant when your safety is @ stake! I am not happy you had to seek their support but I'm glad you know it's out there & I am not particularly religious but I have escaped work early & am off to Midnight Mass tonight where I will add you to my thoughts!

In regards to the dog though, if she doesn't do what you expect, I think you need to make it clear before she leaves her home Country that you will not be collecting her.

Try to enjoy your peace & freedom over the next few days & WOW to the band idea, sounds great 🙂

MERRY CHRISTMAS CB

Dear ODAAT

Thank you so much for your words and thoughts, I'm not religious myself but at the worst and most desperate moments I found myself praying sometimes and it seemed to help.

You are right about my safety. After the first assault, for several weeks I was very wary when going to sleep wondering "what if she takes a knife or something". I don't think she would ever have done this but it was such a calculated rage and it really freaked me out that she denied all memory of it. I think really it's not just physical safety but emotional, psychological and financial safety. I spoke again to the brothers girlfriend tonight to wish her merry Christmas. I asked without going into any detail about the relationship "was I crazy?" She said "I had only heard one side of the story but I saw the other side of the story and from the side I saw, you are not crazy though probably somebody else wanted you to think you were". She hit the nail on the head there: at one point my gf was trying to make me believe that I was screaming and screaming in my sleep every single night and asking me "are you okay?"

I don't expect I'll get a Christmas message. The brother's gf warned me "if you want it to work don't worry you will hear from her. Of course you will hear from her - she needs something: her dog". If I don't even get a Christmas message I will of course tell her I won't collect her and her dog. I don't feel guilty about that - the flight to France was paid for by me ("my card doesn't work, if you pay for the flight I'll pay you back....").

I tried so hard to get out of the relationship, and spoke a lot to the all Wales domestic violence helpline. Then I got drawn back in. I can't understand why I am finding it so hard to leave such a toxic relationship and why I still have feelings for someone who did all this. In the past I never had problems leaving relationships that weren't good. I guess that's what the therapy is for. I want to help her but I'm so conflicted because I also know I need to get out of this. And yet behind my brave talk for some reason that's hard and I don't know why. Maybe it's how she isolated me from people by stopping me using my phone, maybe it's how she undermined my confidence, maybe it was how I felt after the first assault... It was so degrading and dehumanising I felt traumatised....the night of that assault I felt so alone and powerless I called my mother... I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say this at my age but when this happens it's a terrible experience as anyone who has been through it knows. That assault happened far from home (we were in holiday in Marrakech and shed started the fight in....the casino before continuing it back at te apartment). All that distance from home, I was so alone, surrounded by her and her family (I'd also been manipulated into paying for the brother and his gf to come along), and isolated, having already had my friendships affected by her paranoid accusations.

It's strange: I posted my follow up thinking about how I can help her, I'm realising right now I need to focus on helming myself. Thank you ODAAT and everyone else here.... I wish you all the best for Christmas and 2016, with all my warmest wishes.

How are you getting on?

CW?

You really don't need to thank me but I'm so relieved to hear that you know you are the most important person here!

I'm no expert but you will know better than me, with the benefit of the support group, that you really aren't alone in making the choices that you have so far! What is important now is making ones that are right for you! I hope you are keeping super busy with all the great stuff you had planned 🙂

Thank you, CW, ODAAT,

I want to wish all on the forum a happy new year and all the very best wishes to you and your loved ones in life and in particular in facing and dealing with whatever gambling issues you are dealing with.

Should anyone stumble upon this thread in the future, I'd like some good to come of my experiences - please don't repeat the same mistakes I made that facilitated the continuation of the compulsive gambling of someone close to me, and please don't make the mistakes I made that made me complicit in facilitating the continuation of an abusive and unhealthy codependent relationship that enabled her gambling and that was fundamentally harmful. Be positive, seek support and advice, know your boundaries and maintain them 🙂

Very best wishes to all for a great 2016.

And you concernedboyfriend. I really hope this is the start of something better for you. Happy 2016!

A difficult post for me to read because I feels like you are blaming yourself for getting sucked in when the blame lies @ her door! But saying that, I am so glad you have realised that you need to put yourself 1st & are making vital changes so that you can move forwards & start really living again!

I wish you the strength to push forwards into 2016 & every happiness for the future - ODAAT

Happy new year concernedboyfriend, you are a good person who deserves happiness in 2016

Hi

Im the Mum of a compulsive gambler.

Id say Ive seen every bit of what this addiction can do to the person who gambles and those of us love them, and none of its pretty.

My son when not gambling is the nicest young man you could meet, quiet, gentle and joy to be around, however when hes the cg he's too be honest nothing short of a monster.

Your girlfriend is a compulsive gambler who is in total denial and Im sorry to say theres nothing you can do for her until she wants to stop for herself. None of us like to think that the person we love will lie, manipulate, steal and do what ever else they need to do to have their next bet.

We have tried everything possible to get our son to stop gambling, and nothing has worked. It started with scratch carrds and now he gambles on practically anything and everything, altough he does have favourites. He started off as a boy who was all of those good things I described but now thinks nothing of stealing from friends and family to get his next "fix".

We have been to hell and back and are still no further forward, theres no sign of my son stopping any time soon. I wish I could walk away, I feel stuck do we keep going in the hope that he does choose recovery soon or go on living as we are with a an addict with no end in sight.

I hate the word addcit, but thats what my son and your girlfriend are and they will continue as they are until something pushes them to rock bottom and they feel the consequences of their actions. Theres been a couple of times my son was close to rock bottom and I jumped in and saved him because he was in a bad way. In retrospect it was the worst thing I could of done, I should of been stronger and let it all happen. Maybe we would be in better place now had he faced his rock bottom or at the very least it would of stopped the endless cycle we seem to be in.

Your girlfriend is in denial and Im afraid to say you're not going to be her priority while shes like this, its always going to be her next bet that matters to her and nothing else. She is in an addcition fog as I call it, cant see or think about anything else and it will only get worse.

You could be waiting a very long time if not forever until your girlfriend decides shes ready for recovery, and even if she does your in for one hell of a bumpy ride. If she were to suddenly decide that she wants to stop gambling, it would mean she would have to stay away from her anything that enables her addiction, in her case her Mum and brother, can you really see that happening.

I know some people will think me harsh to say this but if I were you I would walk away while you can. You've done your best and she doesnt want your help, and believe me it can and does get a lot worse you'll end up in far worse place that you currently are. You deserve a healthy happy life.

Take care

Hi CB how are you doing. Wcid x

Hi CB hope everything is going ok with your girlfriend and that you are ok. - wcid

Thanks ODAAT, orchid, casey, as67, WCID,

The support I received on this forum was incredible.

The long and the short of it is that she suddenly began sending me uncharacteristically romantic messages, which made me suspicious. I did, however, drive to Paris to collect her and her dog. After a week back her mother and two aunts visited. Seven nights were spent in the casino (on one of those nights they stole a £5 chip from another gambler at the blackjack table). During that period her whole demeanour transformed back to what it had been. She accused me of lying when I hadn't (I'd simply forgotten something but in her words I was a liar and always had been), began sniping about my awful appearance, and started telling me about non-existent nicknames she claims my colleagues that she knows have for me. Day eight she told me that she didn't want me around any more but we would still be able to go on dates. I saw her after that and gave her £160 that I couldn't afford after she told me that she was receiving legal letters for a bill (the brother's gf who is trying to get out has sincetold me all bills were up to date), and somehow I even ended up asking if she wanted to go to the casino (a place I hate). I have now finally began putting my life back on track, focusing on my work and friendships, and running. I began taking care of my appearance: I began wearing the clothes she used to tell me I looked dreadful in whenever I made an effort to look smart for work (people would laugh and gossip if I wore them, she said, and she wanted to destroy them with scissors). I noticed people complimenting me on my appearance and dress, noting that the real me was returning and asking where I had been. People began telling me I look handsome. Today a pretty girl flirted with me (I didn't reciprocate because I am not in that place). The penny began to drop that this was an abusive relationship in which I was being systematically undermined. I bumped into a friend of hers who asked what had gone wrong. I explained I didn't want to say and her friend said "I will tell YOU then: it was her jealousy. I saw how she controlled you to stop you straying, how she controlled social situations to stop you getting close to us or speaking alone to any of her female friends, and I could see how jealous she was". And so the peny dropped...

It was a controlling and abusive relationship that always deteriorated at the worst points of her gambling. At times of reduced gambling the relationship could be very different and even light and fun (although still fundamentally controlling). It was codependent. I somehow lost sight of who I was and I still don't know who she really is. We are still in a little contact although I suspect that isn't for the sake of her desire to stay close to me. I'm rebuilding my life. I'm not in a great position financially and it will take me years rather than months to recover from the financial toll. I recognise that had things continued as they had until about October that I'd probably have lost my house by now. I have had not just a second chance but a third and a fourth one as well, and for this I'm grateful.

I have learned a lot about codependency. I've learned about relationship abuse. I've also learned about friendship, because a number of friends rallied around at my lowest. I've learned to appreciate what I have. I can't go out and buy things or socialise like I used to or look forward to overseas holidays. I've begun learning to love myself again.

I'm learning again to trust my instincts and judgement and to restore my boundaries. Life feels good again. I do miss her but I also recognise that's the nature of relationships such as this. All these lessons make the whole period worthwhile.

If anyone ever signs into this thread and reads it wondering whether a family member or partner has a gambling problem, I'd say this: if you're already reading this then you probably already know the answer. But there are other harmful signs to also watch for - codependency, abuse, control, manipulation. Trust your instincts and judgement, and be clear about your boundaries. I never imagined I'd find myself in a controlling and abusive relationship with a CG. I told an old friend about the situation and he couldn't believe that I of all people could end up in that position. But I did. Because I wasn't looking at the right warning signs. If you've stumbled on this post because you're concerned about somebody close to you, know that unless they want to kick the habit and find help then they won't ever beat it. Protect yourself. Don't step into the codependency role! They may well have cycles and blips where their gambling reduces but unless they are seriously committed to stopping then their gambling will return. If you've come to this thread because you're concerned about a partner or family member then you're at the right place for wonderful support and I wish you better luck than I had. My relationship was controlling and abusive. I experienced numerous harms physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially and professionally. I was assaulted. But I'm getting over all that; it seems distant and I'm now much happy. But if you're here as a concerned relative let me tell you the biggest issue about which I was in denial. I wasn't just in denial about the abusive nature of the relationship or about her problem gambling. Most of all I was in denial about this: the problem gambling was also a problem to me. I don't enjoy gambling but I took her to casinos too many times and sat there, and even played at times. I knowingly paid her rent, her nights out, her clothes, gave her money, denying to myself that this facilitated her problem. I gambled myself sometimes despite knowing I didn't like it, just because it was the only activity she would ever do with me apart from binge drinking once a week. You know: I was part of the problem. The problem gambling wasn't her problem alone; once I stepped into that codependent role I became part of the gambling problem. My bad judgement calls validated her gambling and facilitated it in practical and financial terms. And there were times when, much as I hate gambling, I gambled! If you read this as a relative, partner or friend of a cg, this easily happens. Don't be too harsh on yourself or punish yourself if it does. Just restore your own boundaries. Protect yourself. Be kind to yourself. Get yourself support too. You're in the right place.

Now I am starting to see the wood from the trees I'll carry on logging in periodically because I valued very much the support I received here, and maybe now I am slowly beginning to find myself in a healthier place there are comments I might have that could help others in similar positions. This was the only place where there were people who could really understand what I went through due to the gambling, and I really want to express my gratitude.

Thank you to all!

See you all again very soon 🙂

Hi concerned boyfriend, so good to hear from you and even better that you have now realised what your ex girlfriend was like. You have made the right choices for yourself as she really wasn't ready to change was she. None of this was your fault. I hope you carry on as you are, life can be tough at times but you have came through it xx wcid

Hi concernedboyfriend

I was so pleased to read your post. I don't mean to be insensitive in any way but I am really glad that you've left your girlfriend - I am sure it was the right thing to do. I wish you all the best with discovering 'the new you' and hope you find all the happiness you deserve.

Orchid x