hi,
I'm new to this... husband (together 11 years) has always had a gambling problem. Think i remember when it first began, many many years ago, sitting in on a saturday night watching tv and we would pull the computer table over (before we all had smart phones and laptops!) and logon to bingo websites.
fast forward 10 years and now he is in £10,000 worth of debt. we are married, with a young child (5) and own our house. have lost count how many times we have had 'the conversation' he has no access to our accounts, as soon as we get paid i move all our money into my other account and if he wants cash he asks me to transfer money over, usually for lift to work, pool comps (he plays for scotland) so thats all well and good... but then he was applying for credit cards.. now usually i am home before him so when i see the mail, if i can feel a card, i open it and if its a credit card i hide it... at one point he got 3 sent through the door for same company so rather than ask me where it is he kept going to the company to reissue saying he hadnt received it, so obv knows what my reaction would be. we had 'the chat' about 2 months ago and at this point he had 4 credit cards, with a combined debt of around 5500. now, i kept all the cards but on friday there hes admitted that the balances are now at a combined total of £10000. ok so where does he have them saved? paypal? online sites? who knows.
he says the same thing knows he has a prob, wants to do something about it... hes working overtime to get more money to pay the cards off... told me he took pics of the cards before i took them away so had the details stored in his phone! im fed up.
i keep hearing the same conversation over and over again. hes self excluded loads of times but there are that many sites out there that he just goes onto the next one. each time i feel we are in control, he hits me with another debt and somehow manages to get another card.
we are fond of our holidays abroad, sometimes managing 2 a year howevre i told him in november we werent going on any more holidays until the cards are paid off. (we have NYC booked in 3 weeks time but this was booked long before) other than that theres no holidays happening. i am already in control of our finances.
my issue is.. what else can i do? i feel like i have tried everything
Hi mccaff.
Its a very dangerous addiction that controls the mind. It will only bring you to new lows and Im afraid the real chat is coming where you sit down and try and deal with all these dangerous warning signs like credit cards coming in the mail and hidden loans.
You will now need to learn about an extremely dangerous addiction which is way more than a cheeky flutter or working more overtime to try and keep heads above water. I sound blunt because you need to face the truth and do a full financial balance where you have access to credit files.
Is he ready to stop? Are you ready for this because there is no room for half measures? Some people still think a gambling addiction is just being a bit silly but it goes far deeper than that.
Can things continue as they are for you? I just need to put things into perspective that gambling makes people bankrupt and homeless ....thats just what it does for breakfast.
If he finds other sites then he is not really blocking. If he gets other loans he is not blocking...The real blocks must start.
Please give gamcare a ring and start building up some help and support. You can help him if he wishes to enter a full recovery but you cant cure him on your own.
You ask what you can do....well the monitoring starts with a real control of finances and full control of his credit file so there is a marker that no loans can be taken out in his name or joint names.
I wont put you in a confontational situation you cant handle but ideally you need to bring this to a head that its not acceptable to you.
Sit down and write a balance sheet. Debt is misery and Ive been there. Ive been bankrupt twice due to gambling and over spending. I know there comes a point where denial is no good and creditors will want paying fast. Im not trying to scare you but I see a bit of denial and even fear in the way you write about it.
When you face the truth and really deal with it you will feel better. However I dont know your relationship so do build on family support and professional advice.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi mccaff if he wants to gamble he will. You've already got the finances. Online blocking software k9, gamban. Or call your provider and get them to block gambling websites. Change phone to a brick. Get credit reports. Can you get to a gamanon meeting? Get some support, call gamcare. He should actively seek help, he can't do this alone. Has he been to GA?
Hi
Mr L had defaults registered on a couple of loans which massively reduced his ability to get his hands on further credit. Your husband may not qualify for a DMP but if he does that can restrict access too. You must have full access to and monitor every credit report on him. They are all available free via Clearscore (Equifax), Noddle (Callcredit) and Experian via MSE's credit club. I pay for alerts on Noddle which will tell me via email if any new accounts are applied for inbetween monthly updates. I believe Experian offer this service too if you subscribe to them directly but either of these will only tell you of changes reported to that particular agency and obviously none of this is any good for the cards he's already maxed.
You (he will have to sign it) could also consider lodging Notices of Correction with every agency saying he does not wish to be offered credit even if he applies for it or appears to qualify. Check out CIFAS registration too which should slow down any new account process.
There is blocking software available to block online gambling and internet providers may also be able to help with filters but ultimately all of this is futile if he's determined to gamble. If that's the case you can't stop him. Your choices will lie with how much if any of the behaviour that goes with active addiction you're prepared to tolerate.
Hi,
The standard advice from the GamAnon, Al-Anon and equivalent is that there’s nothing that you can do to stop an addict from using. Family members find that they have tried everything and it hasn’t worked in the face of the gambler’s determination to gamble. And if you think about it, it’s not surprising - the gambler is the one gambling and only the gambler can stop. No one else can stop for him, not the family, not the clergy, not the psychiatrist. The gambler alone chooses between recovery and continued gambling.
What can you do? Look at you and ask yourself some hard questions. Look at how you’re living your life, look at the choices that you’re making (financial and life choices), look at why you made those choices. What is it that attracts you to someone who can’t manage his own life? What do you expect from a relationship with a life partner and are you getting it? Are you happy or is it that this is what you recognise as familiar?
If you can do take the help that you need to look at these things, over time, then your responses will change, you’ll stop joining in with the mind games initiated by the gambler and the dynamics of your relationship change over time.
The financial management is secondary, gambling causes a net outflow of money and the outflow is a consequence of gambling. The problem is the gambling, not the losses or the debt. You need security therefore protecting yourself financially is wise. There’s no reason to support the gambler by paying for everything and freeing up their resources to gamble. Mature adults pay their way, they clean up their own mess. If you feel the need to run his life for him, then ask yourself what that achieves for you?
Move the focus over to you and keep it there.
CW
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