Hi, I’ve just joined as I’m totally at a loss as to what to do. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we have a one year old. I apologise in advance for a very long post!
I first found out about my husband’s gambling addiction when I was 6 months pregnant. We had been due to buy a house and he finally admitted to his mum that he had gambled away all the money we had saved for our deposit. She persuaded him to tell me and get some help, which he did. He handed over all bank and credit cards and a family member gave us a huge loan to pay off all the debts, totalling around £30.000. We are currently paying them back monthly. my husband attended GA meetings, had counselling and began talking to me more about things.
I thought things were getting back to normal until just before Christmas 2018. We moved to a different county due to my husband having a transfer with work. I had just finished my maternity leave but could not transfer my job so I am currently applying for jobs and have a few interviews coming up. We knew money would be tight for a while until I found employment so I don’t know if this is what tempted him to gamble again. I noticed him getting moody, secretive with his phone and post and way more stressed than he normally is. I confronted him and he was very defensive. I finally got him to admit that he had been gambling again but has not been so honest with me this time. He did eventually hand over some credit cards and told me about the loans he has but I got the feeling he wasn’t being completely honest. I was devastated as I thought we had our debts under control and were slowly paying them off. He told me in total he probably owed about £30,000. Because of the move, Christmas and the baby I admit I didn’t push him at the time as there was so much going on. It was the first Christmas since my Dad passed away last year so it was a difficult time for me personally. I thought that he had stopped gambling and things slowly started to get better between us.
Until this week. He has been secretive and defensive again. He is refusing to speak to me and just walks off when I mention anything to do with our finances. I have just checked one of the card statements that he had hidden and found that he is still gambling daily.
I am so scared because I don’t know what to do. We are temporarily staying in a flat owned by one of my family members but we are meant to be renting our own place soon. Now we can’t afford a deposit, let alone rent. The repayments on the loans and cards are way more than we can afford. I have asked my husband to speak to the lenders about reducing payments but he seems to be putting this off. I don’t want to tell any of my family or friends as it will change their opinion of him but I don’t know how we will be able to afford simple things like food and bills next month.
I have considered speaking to his mum as she is the only one who knows about his addiction but it would break her heart. I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to.
Do I leave him? This is something I’m considering for the sake of my baby but he is a really good dad. Our relationship is awful at the moment because of the lack of trust and I wish we could go back to how things were.
How can I make him be honest with me and try to sort this out?
Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry for the very very long post and thank you if you read this far.
Hi Bellabean,
I'm sorry to hear of your tough situation. I understand that the uncertainty of your situation must be causing you great concern.
This is my journey (hopefully it will help).
I was a gambler for 24yrs. I started off playing slots for small amounts as a child and ended up in casinos losing thousands. Gambling turned me into a liar, thief and manipulator. I tried stopping many times during my time gambling, promising myself and others that it would not happen again after each relapse but the power of addiction was too strong. It took me to the depths of despair with constant thoughts of suicide towards the end. I believed that nothing could help and it didn't matter how many blocks I put in place I always found a way to gamble. I would give the finances to my wife but would eventually behave like a petulant child until I got them back.
9yrs ago I went for counselling as a last ditch attempt to stop. During my therapy all of the driving forces that were causing me to escape through gambling addiction were highlighted and I was given the tools to be able to build a loving/compassionate relationship with myself along with healthier adaptive ways of dealing with life and other people. I didn't realise at the time how much I loathed myself as a person and how much unmanagability I was experiencing due to distorted/dysfunctional beliefs I held. The journey of the last 9yrs have been truly amazing and am now a psychotherapist.
I never thought that I would ever have peace of mind and contentment but I was very wrong.
My advice for yourself/family would be to protect yourself at all costs. It seems as if you are suffering yourself because you are trying to protect him from other people's judgement. My belief is that you should reach out to others who you are close to so that you can get the emotional support that you need. It's impossible to make an active addict be honest and change (I always told my wife what she wanted to hear). The question of whether you should leave him no one can answer except yourself but what I do know from personal experience is that addiction is always progressive. There is alot of hope for your future if he has a honest desire to change and is given the tools to cope without gambling as his crutch.
I wish you all the best with the future and please keep posting as you need the support too. X
Hi Bella bean I'm sorry you're here so soon after having your baby, it's a real stress when you have other priorities. The first thing to learn is don't pay a gambler's debt. This has now enabled him to get more credit and has released him from his responsibilities. This is not your debt, so it's not for you to repay. Definitely tell his mother, addiction feeds on secrets and lies. You also need support. This is serious stuff if he's not taken any notice of what has already happened. Another debt or loan you cannot pay. This will be getting worse day by day. In my experience the more you confront the more secretive they become. You are the one who needs to get help and support. Find a gamanon meeting or call gamcare and speak to someone. This is progressive and the longer it goes on the more damage will be done, not only financially but mentally too. I would advise you to get credit reports from all agencies (Experian, clearscore, money saving expert, noddle). Handing over cards is ok but he can order new ones without you knowing. You can have rules, you handle his account, he needs to go to GA. It's all your choice, what are you willing to accept? If you wait for him to stop, he won't. We have all made mistakes, that's how we know. Gamanon is online Sunday nights 8-9 if you can't get to a meeting. You say he got help but don't specify what help. Help is GA or counselling. Another loan is not help. Stepchange can help him with his finances. Living comes first, his debt should be at the bottom of your list.
Sorry Bella but I would leave him. It’s not a small amount of money it’s huge. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and the little one. Did he even stop in he first place?
Hi
Sorry to see this. It's very hard when we discover what's been going on but unfortunately we (you) are the rational ones in this which means having to take whatever steps we need to to protect ourselves.
The debt is his. He can worry about repaying it. Bailouts give the gambler a clean slate to go right back at it as you've found. Most of us have mistakenly been there and lived to regret it.
Don't keep secrets for him. It rarely ends well. At the very least telling his mother and anyone else who needs to know makes it more unlikely they will fall for a sob story.
Check his credit reports with all three agencies. This will give you the real extent of the debt and uncover any hidden bank accounts.
Try and get every household bank and savings account under your sole control. He can't be trusted with access to anything.
You can't make him be honest with you. Even if he was you're unlikely to trust a word he says and it would actually be unwise to do so. You need to see independent proof everything is as he says now and ongoing.
You can't make him stop or support him until he wants to stop for himself. Protect the finances, read up on the addiction, look for support for you and put yourself and the baby first every single time.
Hi Bellabean , I can relate to this situation a hell of alot , I am the compulsive gambler and my wife has stuck by me through thick and thin and she should have left me but like you she stuck by me and done everything she could to help, I repaid her with lies,deceit and a hell of a lot of debt , the difference now is my little boy is here....the thought of losing my family has been enough for me to fight this horrible addiction, it’s not right for others to say to leave him only you can decide , all the best and I hope that things get better for you
Thank you so much for everyone’s comments and advice. It helps so much just to get it all out of my head.
If the debts are in his sole name you are not responsible for them. If he's maxed out joint accounts you will be but it's worth your while to take a look at some debt advice sites.
Gamblers have a huge disconnect between action and consequence. They will play all the time they've got a willing safety net. You're not reponsible for putting a roof over his head. You're not responsible for bailing him out with the car you need for work when he's gambled his new one away. You're not responsible for his mental health. There are agencies like the Samaritans he can approach for help if he needs to. There are agencies that can help him sort out the debt.
Your responsibilities lie solely with keeping you and your daughter secure and making the decisions that enable that. Make your decisions with your own interests at heart.
Marypoppins wrote:
Sorry Bella but I would leave him. It’s not a small amount of money it’s huge. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and the little one. Did he even stop in he first place?
100% agree with MaryP here. You've a baby to think about now. Sorry to hear your troubles. It's hard but you can move on while you still can.
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