I am at a complete loss and have so many conflicting emotions about what is the best thing to do. I posted her earlier in the week explaining that I had found out that my husband was back gambling again and had been since November.
On Monday he came home, packed some things and I assumed he was going to his Dad's house as he had asked him could he stay there. But he has been sleeping rough (by choice) as he believes he needs to be punished. He has seen the kids twice for about 20mins each time since Sunday. And only as he was coming home for more clothes and to get a shower, not becuase he was making it his priority to see them. He is still going to work and going to the leisure centre in the morning to get ready.
I have encouraged him to go to his dad's, he is refusing. Now I have said he can come back home. I am so worried esp now it is Fri and Sat night and town will be mental full of drunks shouting abuse at him or worse.
I don't know what to do for the best, he still maintains he doesn't deserve a roof over his head and won't listen to me when I explain that he is never going to feel better with extreme sleep and food deprivation. He has no access to any money now except a few pounds.
He will be home over the weekend to take kids out but still refuses to sleep at home.
But my dilemna is this.....I definently want him to get off the streets, but I am concerned about whether or not I can have him at home. Things will just go back to normal (just as it did the last time I continued with him after the hurt and lies, him not getting help and in denial) Everything I have been reading says to take care of yourself but I don't see how it is taking care of myself if we are back to me doing everything, him lying on sofa refusing to come to bed, not helping with chores, me getting upo in the morning finding things aren't done as he promised and then fighting etc etc it goes on! Are his mood swings good for the kids?
But I am left with no choice and I won't refuse if he decides to get off the streets. His Dad has now told me that he won't be talking to him as he is losing his patience and will say something he regrets...so that support has now gone.
My parents who I only told last night about everything, say I have to get him home. My friends say it is his choice let him sleep rough. The advice is to support but also to look after myself.....these two things I don't believe can be done side by side.
I was devasted finding out he was out in the cold and to think what a low place he must be in to think he deserves that. I am utterly confused. How will I know what to do for the best?
Thanks for reading, know it was a long one!
Hes playing the victim. Its what we do. He isnt doing it to punish himself, hes doing it to punish you & it looks like its working a treat.
As difficult as it is, dont bow to classic addict emotional blackmail. There are plenty of things he could be doing to show you he is serious about quitting & putting your families life back together without playing the martyr.
Thank you for replying. Can you tell me what my next step is? Do I refuse to let him back in the house except when it is to see the kids?
I'm sorry but I feel angry reading this! He is absolutely trying to manipulate you and play the victim! He's a father for god sake and he's moping about giving it the big woe is me! Why should you be feeling all this heartache and worry after everything else he's put you through? I think the fact his dad and your friends would advise you to leave him to hang as he grows speaks volumes. If he is so remorseful he should be taking positive steps to rebuild his relationships and tackle his addiction. Call his bluff. Look after yourself and the kids because he certainly isn't. Be strong and I wish you the best of luck x
Sorry to see he's playing these mind games with you. The wallowing and self pity when they're found out can be epic. Agree with everyone above. He has the offer of shelter at his dad's and he's refusing it so he's not homeless, he's not out on the street. Don't let him manipulate you into anything you don't want and/or aren't ready for. Keep putting yourself first.
​Hi Mumof3. It's a tough one! Some people tell you to help him, some tell you to leave him be. I understand the emotions you are going through...it's all so confusing and overwhelming. I can't tell you what to do but I can give you some indications to help you make up your mind. What do you want from getting him off the street? You want to know he is safe? You want him to be able to look after himself? If you let him back in to your house what do you gain from this? It offers you peace of mind that he may not be in any danger anymore. What is the cost you are paying? You will clean after him, offer him a nice hot meal every night for him, probably do his laundry, waiting for him to take initiative with the housework( that is he wishes to do so or chooses to be a complete couch potatoe), possible mood swings, a bad example for your children....overall a TOXIC environment for you and for your children to be in. If you choose not to welcome him back in your house: what do you gain? At least peace of mind for you and your children. What do you loose? The control of where he is and what he's doing. It's absolutely normal to be dead worried for him but maybe it's best to keep him at arm's length. Encouragement to go to a friend or his father's. It could possibly be as other cyber friends suggested:PURE Manipulation!! It could also be HIM: the way he is he may really feel the need to punish himself. If the latter is the actual truth than be VERY careful as this might mean he has more underlying mental issues. TRUST your instincts and do whatever you feel is right. So many of us here have been let down sooo many times !!that is way the general advice is to keep the distance from him. But it is in the end your decision and yours only. No one has the right to tell you what to do. Weigh your decision carefully and wisely. Thinking of you.xx
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Have you actually witnessed him on the streets? Could it be complete manipulation, is he actually not sleeping rough?
Hi mumof3,
I understand exactly the anguish you are going through as I was experiencing it myself last weekend. Circumstances slightly different as I am now divorced from my CG husband but the pain of knowing that he had no where to stay whilst I was tucked up in bed was awful. I came on here and like you I got the brilliant advise of support but from a distance. I knew I couldn't take him in, every bone in my body screamed that it would be wrong. But I just felt so bad for him. One of my friends said to me not to take him in and she used these words- it's not the nice thing to do but it's the right thing to do. I was reminded that he is a grown man and he has a mum with a spare room. I stayed strong and he is now staying at his mums.
I know every situation is different but the advise to trust your gut is spot on. I really hope your husband gets the help he needs and that you are getting all the support you need.
I agree with all the above posts. From a practical point of view though, does he have a car? Sounds odd I know, but I'd let him sleep in that. He'd be warmer and safer, he'd still get the punishment he alleges he needs and he wouldn't be back at home. You'd be calling his bluff but it might not feel so bad? Just a thought x
Actually, despite the fact that you're jumping through hoops, he's surviving out there, isn't he?
If you give in to his games and take him back without any fundamental change in or from him, where will it end? How will it be possible for you to set and enforce your boundaries?
If you take him in, is he suddenly going to become the husband and father that your family deserve? Or is the scenario that you describe going to come about? What's he going to give you in return for saving him from himself?
re your parents and possibly his, they may mean well but they are giving you uninformed advice. Follow the advice of those who advise you from their own experience. Dan in particular can write the book, he's certainly read and understood it. And practices it.
Keep the focus on protecting yourself and on coping with the effect that his behaviour is having on you.
CW
Thank you everyone for the great advice. He is def on the streets, he has no money to be staying anywhere else, I know he isn't at his dad's, when I have been on the phone to him I can hear he is outside. He called to see the kids on Fri night and ended up falling asleep while putting the toddler to bed. he has ended up staying all weekend but nothing has changed. He says he still isn't ready for help and it has just meant that I have got angrier and angrier at him. I am glad he wasn't on the streets over the weekend and as much as i have had a S****y weekend, it has made me realize that i do not want to live my life like this. It is going to be extremely difficult to become a single mum to three kids but I cannot do this. I have told him that when he feels ready to stop being childish, to get some proper help and man up to his responsibilities then he is welcome to support from me but until them I do not want him to be a part of our lives. He still swears he genuinely wants to feel hurt the way he has hurt me but yet isn't making any efforts to get help. So that's it then. I feel lost but also feeling quite determined that I won't be made a fool of. My parents now think I am being harsh....my mum wants to know why he isn't going to be coming round for his dinner tonight! (I despair!)
I am sorry Mumof3. What you are dealing with is just so hard. I can't say anything to make it any easier. It sounds like you are clear on what you need to do for yourself and your kids and that is all that matters. He is lost in his addiction and will take you all down with him. Stay strong.
Take care of yourself
Cathyx
Hi Mumof3
Im the mum of a compulsive gambler, my son is almost 22.
We dont have any contact with our son and dont know where he is, but it was our choice to make him leave.
Its beyond awful I know and to be honest some days I could easily go looking for my son and bring him home but I know all to well exactly what would happen and I know I just cant go back to living the way we did.
My son has slept rough in the past and might well be now, I dont know but each time in the past when I found out he was Id tell him to come home, just too upsetting. However this time he wont becoming home.
Its taken me a long time to accept I cant help him and that I need to think of myself and other families interests first, but it still feels like Im fighting agasinst my mum instincts some days but I know we've the right choice to make him leave.
I wouldnt take any notice of what anyone else says, who ever they are, Ive been called a bad mother for giving up on my son, but of course until youve been in our shoes you cant possibly know how bad things are. I couldnt care less what anyone else thinks of me any more and in time you wont.
My son is only young but is still an adult and makes his own descions just the same as your husband even if those descions are bad ones its up to them. I hate the thought my son might be sleeping rough but Ive accepted if he wants that to change its up to him, theres nothing I can do about it and god knows we've tried evetything possible until I accepted hes the only person can fix this.
There is plenty if help and support for a cg when they want recovery but your husbsnd and my son dont want that so its more important than ever that we protect ourselves, from the destructive behaviours that go with the addiction.
I love my son as much as ever but I choose to have a calm, peaceful life with out the madness and chaos of living with a cg, no matter who that person is.
Do what is right for you and your children and dont listen to any manipulation from your husband or anyone else.
Its been hell to be honest, but Im doing ok its suprising how you cope and adapt to a new way of living, its certainly not what I thought my life would be like. I choose what I want my life to be like and so do you.
Take care
Hi
I should add that support for you is vital, theres Gamcare who can arrange counselling for you, GamAnon and of course this forum.
I used to think talking wasnt going to help, but I couldnt of been more wrong, I had a fantastic counsellor that Gamcare arranged and I only wish Id done it a lot sooner.
Give Gamcare a call
Hmmm, is it just me or is it rather interesting that he wants to hurt the way he has hurt you & yet this hasn't negated him spending the weekend in the marital home!?!
It is going to be tough flying solo but bringing up 3 kids alone is going to be easier without a grown up 4th 'child' constantly distracting you & putting you on edge.
Echo the excellent advice from the ladies above about people having no right to judge you & getting yourself some proper support.
You're in a horrible place, I get that but growing up in a home with an active compulsive gambler is pretty confusing so from where I stand looking in, stick to your guns, it's the right thing to do for your babies.
He's the fool, not you. Stay determined - ODAAT
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