Husband has just admitted to gambling after hiding salary and bonuses

It’s hard to explain what it feels like to someone who doesn’t gamble.

he isn’t not telling you because he is happy hurting you, it’s just a sick addiction that we don’t speak about to anyone because we are ashamed.  We feel weak and feel like gambling is our escape.  I guarantee you if there was a switch we could hit to never gamble again we would hit that thing a million times.

there have been countless nights I’ve laid awake with my heart beating of guilt and shame, wishing I could tell my partner but can’t handle the potential ramifications of it.  I’ve cried, prayed, sat alone feeling like there is no way out but to keep gambling.  I’m a grown man that doesn’t show emotions, but when alone feel it hits me like a truck.  I even gamble in these times again to try to get myself out but it feels even worse.

If you can’t move forward with him I understand and don’t blame you at all, but just know his intentions aren’t to hurt you. It’s a sickness that needs help to fix, if you do have it in you and he also wants to beat the addiction, you can help him get through but he also needs to be willing do the work.

hope this helps, 

Hi there. So sorry. We're in a very similar boat as I found out at the weekend my husband has gambled away £20k of family money. I just want him to leave. His family say I'm in the wrong for wanting that!!! That I should stay with him and help him. He's being gambling now for three years and I only found out by accident - he didn't tell me.

I hate him.

You are not alone and I know how you feel x

Hello,

Thank you to both for taking the time to reply to me. I am truly devastated. John, I’m so sorry you are also going through similar yourself and I can’t imagine the pain you are in. I hope you have people around you who can look out for you and offer you support to get you on the road to recovery. It’s heartbreaking for all concerned and I do sympathies and understand it’s an illness. I’m trying to piece together my husbands behaviour and I’ve been looking at his family history and genetics. I don’t think he had the best childhood. He is one of 4 and one of his sisters is a binge drinker/ clearly addicted to alcohol. To then find out my husband has been gambling makes me think this problem runs much deeper re mental illness. 

The money has been just one part of the issue because he has become unbearable to live with. I’ve had name calling. Been called pathetic. Told to grow up. Know my place etc I’ve had doors slamming, punching walls, shouting at children etc. slamming breaks on in the car in temper. He marches off from me in the street etc. I’m trying to piece the behaviours together on top of the gambling and think it’s all part of his mental state. Over the years he will think nothing of going missing for a few hours etc with no explanation whilst I was at home with the children. I do think this has been going on years. 
he earns a huge salary and we are comfortable. I’ve sacrificed my own career to be at home and work part time etc to support his career. It’s a huge kick in the teeth to find out that spare money and even spent on gambling when I’ve been so careful and not earning a great deal etc. 

Weve not had a holiday abroad since 2022 yet have discretionary income spare on paper. He says no savings yet lived together 18 years. We have a mortgage and bills are always paid yet he’s always been secretive with his salary/ shares and spare cash. Payday for me he rejects my wages and sends it out to my own personal account and I think this has been all sort of plan to control money etc. My question is I have no idea what to do next or how big this problem is. He says there is debt on a credit card which he has now cut up from gambling but I imagine it has been far more. Surely someone just doesn’t start gambling and get into such a mess as a one off? 

I literally don’t know where to turn. It’s actually making me feel quite ill to think our marriage has been such a lie. 

Reply to Ella- I’m so sorry you are going through this also. It’s devastating. We have two children aged 14 and 11 and I just can’t believe this has happened to us. To the outside world we have life in order- a nice house, cars, I’ve not had to work but now work part time etc. I just feel like it’s all been for show and I’m not actually me living my life. All the times I’ve questioned him and he’s said it’s me being abusive and coercive and manipulating the situation to suit my agenda… I’ve ruined everything by opening letters… I’ve had to remind him I’ve tried asking questions for years and been sick with worry. He moved wages out of joint account to ‘stop me snooping and to protect himself’. It’s broke my heart. All I’ve ever done is been a good wife and mother and wanted the best for everyone. I’ve told him we are separating and he’s been wanting a quick divorce off the internet. Said not giving me the satisfaction of mediation as he would have to disclose all earnings. I just don’t know which way to turn. 

I’ve already referred myself to women’s aid before the gambling came out because I was struggling with his behaviours. Never in a million years did I think my life would turn out like this. I turned 40 at Christmas and I feel like I’ve wasted so many years living a marriage which hasn’t been based on trust/ respect or equal partnership. 

For me, I’ve had suspicions monies don’t add up for a long time but the catalyst for this all unravelling was me opening his work bonus letters (which I know is wrong) but I don’t regret it. 
I fee exactly how you do. I want to run a mile and I’m full of hurt. I don’t want him to do anything stupid so I’m carrying all the guilt of me being the one who’s ending our 20 year marriage and destroying the girls home. 

So sorry you are going through this 😪 I am in a very similar situation with my. Husband and appreciate how hurtful and upsetting it is. The feeling of betrayal is so overwhelming. I reached out on here and am receiving some counselling support. I'd highly recommend if you haven't done that yet. Having someone to listen to you when you feel so lost is valuable. I hope things start to get better for you.. I'm definitely a day at a time at the moment. X

Hi Lulubelle.

So sorry you are going through similar. It’s horrific. I had no idea how many people are affected by this. 
how did you access therapy? On here? 
I’m always on a waiting list for a referral for DV therapy as I’ve been going through hell. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in a year.

I’m so sorry to anyone reading this who is going through similar. It’s unbearable and hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived within it. Xx

@z1d629q8me I’m so sorry to hear all of this, it is a terrible thing for you to have to be going through.  

I don’t think it sounds like he is really ready to tackle this head on, he would need to be open about it and be willing to do the work to stop gambling.  I also don’t think what you going through is fair or healthy for you, DV is not acceptable and isn’t something you or your children need to put up with. 

My father gambled a lot when I was young and I don’t in any way blame him, I think these things are inherited but we need to be able to deal with issues ourselves, not blame others for our problems.  Opening the letter hasn’t ruined anything, you now know the truth now and can either move forward with it, or go in another direction and start another road.

I know my gambling makes me short tempered, not myself and I can go missing at times to gamble.  But not for long periods of time and not anger and aggression towards my wife or kids, this is definitely not something you have to deal with. 

i think what I was trying to say is if he was willing to be open and honest with everything, put everything on the table and work towards fixing the gambling issue, it would help having you in his corner.  If he isn’t willing to do that then you can’t help him much, he needs to be willing to do it himself.  Also you need to do what’s right for you, put yourself first for what you really want for the future.

I feel like I’ve been blabbering on but I hope something in this can help you.

Hi (@z1d629q8me)

I spoke to an adviser on here via the live chat. They were excellent, so helpful and sympathetic. They referred me on to have actual counselling sessions and also sent links to other useful organisations. They reiterate that you aren't to blame and it's ok to feel all the emotions you are feeling which i definitely need to hear at the moment. Its so hard to understand when you can't imagine doing something like it yourself. Hope that helps x