Hello,
I have just joined this forum after googling all things re gambling. I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with the reality of my situation.
For a few months husband has had his wages stopped being paid into our joint account which we’ve shared for 18 years. This was because I questioned sums of money which were being moved from one account to another or withdrawn. Sometimes £500 a time others £1000. When I questioned him he simply said what has it got to do with me?
i explained everything as we are married and should be an equal partnership etc.
anyway fast forward to Feb and two letters arrived for him which I did open. They work bonuses of several thousands of pounds. He has a very good job etc and we are financially secure on paper. He never told me about the bonuses which had revealed and left for him. Days went by. This led to me ending our marriage and relationship of 20 years. We have two children. I am devastated. He refused to talk to me about money and said I was fixated by money. Every pay day he transferrs all of my wages back to me and says doesn’t want my money but I want to contribute to the families bills etc. Fast forward to now and I have started the process of solicitor and legal advice. It was suggested we go to mediation to get all financials out in the open… accounts savings shares etc. I have found 5 different bank cards of his. He refused saying not giving me the satisfaction. Today we’ve had another argument as he still wouldn’t talk openly. I have suspected gambling and I blurted it out ‘at you gambling’. He replied yes. He has been upset. My question is how worried should I be? I don’t know who I can talk to but he says he will have nothing without me but I feel like our whole marriage is based on lies and deceit.
It’s hard to explain what it feels like to someone who doesn’t gamble.
he isn’t not telling you because he is happy hurting you, it’s just a sick addiction that we don’t speak about to anyone because we are ashamed. We feel weak and feel like gambling is our escape. I guarantee you if there was a switch we could hit to never gamble again we would hit that thing a million times.
there have been countless nights I’ve laid awake with my heart beating of guilt and shame, wishing I could tell my partner but can’t handle the potential ramifications of it. I’ve cried, prayed, sat alone feeling like there is no way out but to keep gambling. I’m a grown man that doesn’t show emotions, but when alone feel it hits me like a truck. I even gamble in these times again to try to get myself out but it feels even worse.
If you can’t move forward with him I understand and don’t blame you at all, but just know his intentions aren’t to hurt you. It’s a sickness that needs help to fix, if you do have it in you and he also wants to beat the addiction, you can help him get through but he also needs to be willing do the work.
hope this helps,
Hi there. So sorry. We're in a very similar boat as I found out at the weekend my husband has gambled away £20k of family money. I just want him to leave. His family say I'm in the wrong for wanting that!!! That I should stay with him and help him. He's being gambling now for three years and I only found out by accident - he didn't tell me.
I hate him.
You are not alone and I know how you feel x
Hello,
Thank you to both for taking the time to reply to me. I am truly devastated. John, I’m so sorry you are also going through similar yourself and I can’t imagine the pain you are in. I hope you have people around you who can look out for you and offer you support to get you on the road to recovery. It’s heartbreaking for all concerned and I do sympathies and understand it’s an illness. I’m trying to piece together my husbands behaviour and I’ve been looking at his family history and genetics. I don’t think he had the best childhood. He is one of 4 and one of his sisters is a binge drinker/ clearly addicted to alcohol. To then find out my husband has been gambling makes me think this problem runs much deeper re mental illness.
The money has been just one part of the issue because he has become unbearable to live with. I’ve had name calling. Been called pathetic. Told to grow up. Know my place etc I’ve had doors slamming, punching walls, shouting at children etc. slamming breaks on in the car in temper. He marches off from me in the street etc. I’m trying to piece the behaviours together on top of the gambling and think it’s all part of his mental state. Over the years he will think nothing of going missing for a few hours etc with no explanation whilst I was at home with the children. I do think this has been going on years.
he earns a huge salary and we are comfortable. I’ve sacrificed my own career to be at home and work part time etc to support his career. It’s a huge kick in the teeth to find out that spare money and even spent on gambling when I’ve been so careful and not earning a great deal etc.
Weve not had a holiday abroad since 2022 yet have discretionary income spare on paper. He says no savings yet lived together 18 years. We have a mortgage and bills are always paid yet he’s always been secretive with his salary/ shares and spare cash. Payday for me he rejects my wages and sends it out to my own personal account and I think this has been all sort of plan to control money etc. My question is I have no idea what to do next or how big this problem is. He says there is debt on a credit card which he has now cut up from gambling but I imagine it has been far more. Surely someone just doesn’t start gambling and get into such a mess as a one off?
I literally don’t know where to turn. It’s actually making me feel quite ill to think our marriage has been such a lie.
Reply to Ella- I’m so sorry you are going through this also. It’s devastating. We have two children aged 14 and 11 and I just can’t believe this has happened to us. To the outside world we have life in order- a nice house, cars, I’ve not had to work but now work part time etc. I just feel like it’s all been for show and I’m not actually me living my life. All the times I’ve questioned him and he’s said it’s me being abusive and coercive and manipulating the situation to suit my agenda… I’ve ruined everything by opening letters… I’ve had to remind him I’ve tried asking questions for years and been sick with worry. He moved wages out of joint account to ‘stop me snooping and to protect himself’. It’s broke my heart. All I’ve ever done is been a good wife and mother and wanted the best for everyone. I’ve told him we are separating and he’s been wanting a quick divorce off the internet. Said not giving me the satisfaction of mediation as he would have to disclose all earnings. I just don’t know which way to turn.
I’ve already referred myself to women’s aid before the gambling came out because I was struggling with his behaviours. Never in a million years did I think my life would turn out like this. I turned 40 at Christmas and I feel like I’ve wasted so many years living a marriage which hasn’t been based on trust/ respect or equal partnership.
For me, I’ve had suspicions monies don’t add up for a long time but the catalyst for this all unravelling was me opening his work bonus letters (which I know is wrong) but I don’t regret it.
I fee exactly how you do. I want to run a mile and I’m full of hurt. I don’t want him to do anything stupid so I’m carrying all the guilt of me being the one who’s ending our 20 year marriage and destroying the girls home.
So sorry you are going through this 😪 I am in a very similar situation with my. Husband and appreciate how hurtful and upsetting it is. The feeling of betrayal is so overwhelming. I reached out on here and am receiving some counselling support. I'd highly recommend if you haven't done that yet. Having someone to listen to you when you feel so lost is valuable. I hope things start to get better for you.. I'm definitely a day at a time at the moment. X
Hi Lulubelle.
So sorry you are going through similar. It’s horrific. I had no idea how many people are affected by this.
how did you access therapy? On here?
I’m always on a waiting list for a referral for DV therapy as I’ve been going through hell. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in a year.
I’m so sorry to anyone reading this who is going through similar. It’s unbearable and hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived within it. Xx
@z1d629q8me I’m so sorry to hear all of this, it is a terrible thing for you to have to be going through.
I don’t think it sounds like he is really ready to tackle this head on, he would need to be open about it and be willing to do the work to stop gambling. I also don’t think what you going through is fair or healthy for you, DV is not acceptable and isn’t something you or your children need to put up with.
My father gambled a lot when I was young and I don’t in any way blame him, I think these things are inherited but we need to be able to deal with issues ourselves, not blame others for our problems. Opening the letter hasn’t ruined anything, you now know the truth now and can either move forward with it, or go in another direction and start another road.
I know my gambling makes me short tempered, not myself and I can go missing at times to gamble. But not for long periods of time and not anger and aggression towards my wife or kids, this is definitely not something you have to deal with.
i think what I was trying to say is if he was willing to be open and honest with everything, put everything on the table and work towards fixing the gambling issue, it would help having you in his corner. If he isn’t willing to do that then you can’t help him much, he needs to be willing to do it himself. Also you need to do what’s right for you, put yourself first for what you really want for the future.
I feel like I’ve been blabbering on but I hope something in this can help you.
Hi (@z1d629q8me)
I spoke to an adviser on here via the live chat. They were excellent, so helpful and sympathetic. They referred me on to have actual counselling sessions and also sent links to other useful organisations. They reiterate that you aren't to blame and it's ok to feel all the emotions you are feeling which i definitely need to hear at the moment. Its so hard to understand when you can't imagine doing something like it yourself. Hope that helps x
Morning John, thank you for replying to me. You’re not blabbering on, I find your input really useful. I’m sorry that you have had your struggles. I hope you don’t mind me asking but have you reached out for support yourself? Tried to stop gambling? Does your wife know about it?
I’m just really interested to learn what lengths people go to when hiding their gambling addiction.
My husband has taken the first step in admitting there has been a problem with gambling but apart from that we are almost at hitting a brick wall stage. He has told me he last gambled in January and I know the amount of debt on a credit card he says he’s cut up. What he won’t be honest about is how long this has been going on and how much money has been involved over the years.
I feel like this is more concerning as he is not ready to talk/ accept there is a problem.
Yesterday I reached out to the helpline on here and I’ve been referred for therapy. This will be helpful and I must say the lady I spoke to was amazing. I never knew this support existed.
I am concerned about his mental state, he just keeps saying wants it all over as quickly as possible ( the separation) so he can do what he wants with himself.
The pain is unreal. It’s difficult to explain as I feel so overwhelmed and hurt but I do have compassion and care and don’t want to see him in so much pain.
All that aside I do have to prioritise my own health as well as this has made me quite ill. We have to children age 14 and 11 and they need consistent support etc.
I am in a complete mess with it all as like I said above I was originally seeking support from women’s aid thinking the issue was more about financial control and emotional abuse. I realise I’ve been through so much. I don’t regret opening the letters. If I hadn’t I would never have discovered all this. Being told it’s me who’s fixated by money and controlling and coercive/ ruining everything… all devastating when I think actually it’s him that’s done all that. He said all he’s ever wanted to do is provide for his family (which he has) but he also knows he has destroyed and lost the one thing he wanted through his actions.
I am heartbroken and honestly don’t know how or when this will end. I’ve told him I am going to speak to his family as I need support with this.
He said himself part of the problem is having the job he has (demanding and stressful/ manages large projects. He says it’s a release for him. Hes not the easiest of people to communicate with either.
I really hope you are doing okay John, thanks again for sharing your experience with me. I honestly didn’t realise how serious this issue was and how many people are affected by it.
Forgot to say husband says it’s been slot machines and betting on football/ horses etc. He says goes to different betting shops so I think that says it all in terms of the frequency. I wish I could ban the lot of them! He has admitted that as a family we’ve gone without etc but we’ve never had issues with not being able to pay bills etc. He’s been using discretionary income which means instead of having lots of savings built up we have a huge debt.
I hope this all makes sense and sorry if I have babbled on myself! 😊
Morning!
Thank you for your reply and support. I spoke to a lady via the helpline yesterday- I think the call lasted nearly 2 hours! I was blown away by her kindness and understanding. She has referred me for 1-1 therapy. A few hours later I had a follow up call from a lovely chap who was as equally understanding and supportive. I couldn’t believe how amazing the service has been.
I hope you are coping as well as you can. I am in a complete state of overwhelm and shock. Tearful etc but desperately trying to get answers and help.
Just got to take it one day at a time, that’s all we can do 🤗 xx
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