This is going to make me sound like a bad person but...
I am really struggling with my husband’s admission of gambling, his lies and his hidden debt.
I know I should be pleased that he has come clean finally and in some ways I am but now I feel under so much pressure. He has come to terms with it really quickly since asking for help and I feel like he expects the same of me. He talks of how others in his support group have much more supportive partners and they have been deceived much more than I have. He says he wants me to accept his mistakes and move on.
I don’t feel I have been that unsupportive I have cried a lot and shouted a bit, but I don’t think pretending to feel a certain way if it’s not true will help anyone.
I know that this is likely what will happen in time as I do love him but he only told me 4 days ago I’m finding it all really hard. I know this is wrong but I almost want him to feel worse for what he has done than he seems to?
Now that he has come clean he obviously feels like a weight has been lifted but in fact I feel that that weight has instead been placed on my shoulders.
4 days?!? If partners of people in HIS support group are being more supportive (& not just burying their heads in the sand like many do), you can be pretty sure they’ve had longer than that to process being lied to & deceived! That post does not make you sound remotely like a bad person...It makes you sound human & for me, that is vital because as gamblers we get caught up in a fairytale world. You have unwittingly been dragged into a horrible place, made to doubt yourself & now he wants you to pull up your big girl pants? I don’t know how long he’s been going to meetings but if he were to tell his group he was behaving like this, I imagine there would be some harsh words said. These are his actions & holding you ransom to them is not recovery. As a compulsive gambler, I always found someone or something else to blame but I did what I did & no one had a gun to my head...I also recognise now that I behaved appallingly & have a lot of work to do on me. Coming clean isn’t an excuse to demand that everyone dance to our tune & if he is really working & getting the program, he will be ashamed @ himself down the line for his current behaviour, not that that helps you now.
You need time to process what has happened & decide for you how you move forwards. The helpline is a good place to start, getting to a GamAnon meeting even better. Find a way to stay strong, be honest with him & don’t pander to how he wants you to feel, just because he’s an accomplished deceiver doesn’t mean you can’t be true to your feelings!
It’s gonna sound crazy but try to look after you - ODAAT
Hi Chrissie good for you looking for a different view other than his. You don't have to be understanding. You have every right to feel angry after the lies and debt. He needs to hear it. It's not ok to do whatever they do. You're still in the shock stage. You may even discover more, I hope not. Stay on your guard and secure all your finances. No joint accounts. His debt comes last after all other bills etc. I call it the 'cloak' of responsibility. They confess and fell better and we are left with the worry. I handle all finance my cg has no money or access. Don't feel bad, this is not your fault, not your mess. It takes a long time to recover and it never goes away. He should feel remorse but at the moment it's just relief. He doesn't know what other partners are really doing or saying. As Odaat says call gamcare and find a gamanon meeting if you can.
Hi
You don't sound like a bad person at all. At four days post confession you've barely had time to begin to take it all in and it's totally unreasonable for him to put pressure on you to do anything other than what you want to and in your own good time. He lost the right to call the shots the instant he told his first lie and took out loans behind your back. That said even though you're reeling you should be looking at getting the finances secure and establishing the true extent of any debt. You can't trust his word on anything without seeing independent proof for yourself and if he doesn't like that, it's too bad. Just one of the consequences to the way he's behaved.
Don't feel you have to support him in the short term and don't feel you have to hide your own feelings. You've got enough on your plate and need support yourself. He can get the support he says he's after from counselling (free via Gamcare) and his nearest GA meeting.
Persuading you that you are at fault for not immediately drawing a line and moving on so that he can feel better? Manipulation. All addicts do it, it’s part of their illness. Best to educate yourself about compulsive gambling via this forum and GamAnon meetings. That way, you’ll recognise attempted manipulation as manipulation and be in a better position to resist.
If you do read the stories on the forum, you’ll see that you are reacting normally to an abnormal amount of abuse.
Look after you.
CW
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