Truth Hurts

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(@uxqcyhtzrm)
Posts: 24
Topic starter
 
I have been an addicted to gambling for 12 years now. I am now 5 days GF after my most recent relapse. 
 
I have been to therapy in group and individual settings, yet still i seem to go around on the same rollercoaster time after time. And whilst i have had periods of sticking to recovery, I have only ever lasted a few months and ended up betting in some way (and of course lying about it). The one thing i have never done properly is really be honest with myself about everything, the whole story so that is what I am going to do today. I am grateful to have learnt alot about myself over the last 12 years but honestly I am so much more sad about the spirit I have lost, the relationships that have dwindled, the lack of self care i have given myself, the lack of presence that I am capable off. The money is the least of what I have lost. 
 
History - How did it start? In university I was an incredibly sociable person until I came down with chronic stomach issues paired with generalised anxiety (which i wasn't aware of at the time). I was also struggling with my sexuality, had recently come out and was dealing with a lack of acceptance of those closest to me. I also lost my grandad at this time which was difficult in a very divisive family unit. This was the first significant hardship that i faced as a person and I wanted to do was to escape all of the feelings that were surrounding me... loneliness, judgement,fear, grief. That's when i found my escapism in gambling, and very quickly very small bets because much larger bets. Ultimately, this key event set the precedent for how I would deal with any of the above feelings (and more) for my life to date. 
 
So through university every student loan/grant went on gambling and ended up relying on payday loans to get me through university. I missed out on a lot of social occasions through the financial hardship gambling had caused and missed out on what could have been beautiful blossoming friendships - i became a hermit not wanting to leave my house. Through this and other shortcomings in my character, the relationship ended and i moved back to the family home. This cycle ultimately repeated itself in my second relationship whilst I was trying to build a career, this time my gambling spiralling so bad that I accumulated around £40,000 worth of debt and a host of mental health issues as a result of my sheer lack of care towards myself and the unhealthy relationship i found myself in. This was my lowest point, my most depressed. At this point i told some family members and it felt like a breakthrough. Despite eventually settling my debts, I have ended up in exactly the same situation. 
 
 
Now - I am less depressed and more empty inside - i think i am just a bit desensitised to the highs and lows. i'm sure some of you can relate to this. The running the hiding, it all just becomes part of the act. I am at the start of another recovery, this one to be my last. I have a DMP in place for the £50,000 of debt i accumulated which will take me several years to clear off. Throughout all of the above, the one thing I have managed to salvage is my career and my latest relationship, which is the best thing to have ever happened to me. I want to start a family but have the debt to deal with first, which is adding to the stress. 
 
I know gambling always ends the same but it allows me an escapism for my overthinking mind which in my hardest times is just too tempting. It's not about the money, it always goes back in of course. 
 
Writing this all out I have realised how much I supress and don't let my feelings out. A few weeks ago it really hit me just how much I have let this illness take from me - I have few friends, no hobbies and a lack of zest for life. I have made some positive steps in the last few weeks of exercising more and socialising more. It has given me a content and escape that i most certainly need for my recovery journey going forward. 
 
I'm done hiding and I want to live the rest of my life full of all the things I have allowed myself to be deprived of the last 12 years.
 
Thank you for anyone reading this - I needed to get that out.
 
Day 5 achieved!

 

 
Posted : 14th May 2024 5:10 pm
lynn
 lynn
(@zy9dksawg1)
Posts: 12
 

You have made lots of positive changes in the last five days.

 

Be patient and kind to yourself. Small steps will get you there.

 

Stay strong.

 
Posted : 14th May 2024 8:01 pm
Peer Supporter Patsy
(@ofb741hvqs)
Posts: 87
 

@uxqcyhtzrm  Evening Freedomawaits

I was touched by your open and honest post. Your story is so similar to my sons who gambled for 9 years through college , uni and life. Massive debts, spiralling mental health and isolated beyond belief. Lost friends and relationships along the way.  He did not lose me , his mother. 

Your freedom awaits you now. You have made that decision and been resuscitated back from numbness. I see you have your career and a relationship, so you have real hope.

I can sense the relief in offloading your story so keep talking and reaching out for any support you can grab as it is hard on your own.

I can vouch that Gamcare have amazing support packages and advice that is why I volunteer to give back as i called them and they listened to me non judgmentally 

 

Today my son is 17 months Gamble free of harm. I wish you a supported recovery as your freedom begins

 

Best wishes   Patsy

 
Posted : 14th May 2024 8:41 pm
Thebean
(@thebean)
Posts: 299
 

@uxqcyhtzrm well done on an excellent post.

You are just at the start and the best days are yet to come.

Amazing isn't it.  Gambling would seem to be so self indulgent to someone who did not understand but it is the opposite.  It goes hand-in-glove with self neglect and depriving yourself of what you really need.

A compulsive gambling problem also sucks joy from everything else around us as nothing can compete with the artificial high of dopamine it gives.  As you go more and more days GF you will start to adjust and the 'zest for life' will start to make a welcome appearance back.

But this will take time and effort.  Make sure you reward yourself for not gambling on a regular basis.

Well done again on the post.  It did me good reading it, you deserve to be happy. xx

 
Posted : 14th May 2024 9:13 pm
(@uxqcyhtzrm)
Posts: 24
Topic starter
 

All thank you so much for your kind words. I felt very vulnerable revealing so much, but your kind words made me feel welcome and seen. I may have shed a few tears! 

I shut myself off so much from everything that I very rarely can be real and share my thoughts/feelings. I feel like this is sometimes a learned response to desensitise ourselves. I feel like it’s the dark dirty secret that thrives on my isolation. 

Patsy thank you for sharing your story. Your son is very lucky to have such a supporting and loving mum - I think it’s great to give back. I’d love to volunteer one day! 

thebean- thank you for your kind words. I get a lot from listening to everyone’s experiences. I completely agree - gambling is the most neglectful thing someone can do. I have always struggled with confidence/ low self worth. 

Today has been a little rough, think I have some sort of virus. I have always found illness a key time for gambling. But I’m on day 6, so every cloud….

 

 
Posted : 15th May 2024 7:51 pm
(@uxqcyhtzrm)
Posts: 24
Topic starter
 
Close call I had a situation in my personal life that really upset me and made me feel just awful to be honest.  The pain and the feeling it gave me was just so bad all i wanted to do was gamble so I could escape my own head. After 12 years of being in and out of recovery, this just reiterates is how much I use gambling as an emotional crutch.  The first opportunity I was alone, all i could think about having a casino session to provide some much needed mental break.
 
My urges were strong so i logged into an illegal casino site and stop and stared at the deposit button.  I really wanted the relief but also knew that I cannot recover without stopping the cycle. After deliberating for a minute, I decided to speak to someone at Gamcare on online chat who helped me stop and reflect and offered some help, so I didn't give my urges as much focus. Can't thank them enough and would urge other people to do this if you struggling - they can chat by online chat, whatsapp or phone. I used online chat as I needed the anonymity because of how I was feeling.
 
Whilst I don't feel great about having such strong urges, I am glad that for the first time I told someone that i was going to relapse and managed to prevent it - I have never done this and have always just given in. It's just a reminder of how awful addiction is, but now hopefully I have added a new support resource to my toolkit should I feel like i will relapse again. 
 
I wanted to share this because it's been a s**t day but could have been a lot worse. This journey is hard and want to share the ups and down with you, rather than just focus on successes. 
 
So by the narrowest of margins, and a lot of sadness in my heart for my current situation, I am 12 days GF. 

 

 
Posted : 21st May 2024 4:48 pm
Thebean
(@thebean)
Posts: 299
 

@uxqcyhtzrm Hi freedom and well done for the post.

Please do not even contemplate depositing at the unregistered casino.  I did that is 2022 and it is the worst mistake of my life.

1)  They will take Credit Cards but change the merchant category codes to bypass the gambling restrictions enforced by the UK.  So instead of paying in pounds to a gambling provider you will pay in dolar/Euro/Yen etc for a transaction other than gambling.  You will lose massively on the exchange rate and the payment will be virtually untraceable.  You will also be charged a cash advance fee and high interest rates.

2)  The software on the site will most probably be rigged for you to lose.  And if you suspect this then tough, there is no one to complain to as they are not regulated.

3)  Even if you were to win they will not process your withdrawal for weeks and will allow you to reverse it back into your balance to lose...  We are problem gamblers.  Of course we will reverse it and lose.

4)  Even if you do have the patience to wait for the withdrawal, after the exchange rate fees, cash advance, rigged software and pending withdrawal time they will ask for lots of verification and sell on your personal details including passport pic to the highest bidder.  They will also most likely close your account after inventing an issue with the verification docs.

4)  If you lose and beg them to close your account as you just lost your rent/food money/school fees they won't.  Or, if they do, they will then send you a free bonus and ask you to consider reopening your account so you can lose more.

I learned the hard way.  Just please do not fund these crooks who only exist the exploit us with real mental health issues about gambling.

Rant over lol

 
Posted : 21st May 2024 8:49 pm
(@uxqcyhtzrm)
Posts: 24
Topic starter
 

Hitting 24 days GF, and enjoying the sunshine. I know there will be more cravings and urges to conquer but for now I have had a great weekend socialising with friends and family and also have a holiday to on next week. ODAAT but happy with my progress. 

 
Posted : 2nd June 2024 12:44 pm
(@uxqcyhtzrm)
Posts: 24
Topic starter
 

@thebean a sensitive one for many of us as well as yourself. Nobody wants to be giving these dodgy companies money but ultimately logic/principles are not easy to access when your addiction is in full force. Recovery is the only way to make them suffer

 
Posted : 2nd June 2024 12:46 pm
Tazman
(@tazman)
Posts: 402
 

Welldone mate each day not gambling is a blessing in itself after many relapses over the years today marks 333 days without a bet since joining this website i have learnt more about the addiction i have been in recovery since 2011 for the first time i took advice from long time members rather then trying to do it all my own way since coming to terms with the addiction i have found ways to cope with those urgues and using the support on here has been enough to keep me gamble free since joing this website 

 
Posted : 7th June 2024 2:36 pm
(@uxqcyhtzrm)
Posts: 24
Topic starter
 

@tazman thank you for your note. You are right I am really feeling the blessing of each day being GF. Congrats on 333 days what an achievement. Support is key. I am on 30 days today 🙂 have a great weekend

 
Posted : 8th June 2024 8:10 pm
(@uxqcyhtzrm)
Posts: 24
Topic starter
 

Day 39 GF - really happy to see the days rack up.

I had the most amazing holiday where I really felt so joyful and present for the first time in along time. It just felt so special. 

hope everyone is well and look forward to checking in soon. 

 

 

 

Peace and love all 

 
Posted : 17th June 2024 8:00 pm
(@uxqcyhtzrm)
Posts: 24
Topic starter
 

Day 74 

I am really struggling with the emotional toll of recovery. I read something that said recovery can feel like a bereavement of sorts. I can really relate to that at the moment. 14 years of very intense gambling without any real breaks is a very weird thing to step away from emotionally. I feel that I’m feeling all the things all the time which is quite overwhelming. I don’t feel very present as a lot of my mind is focused on staying on track.

 

anyway wanted to share as the recovery journey is not easy. This is the longest I have ever gone and usually when I relapse - when the emotional toll hits! However I have reached out for support from gamcare so hopefully will get some therapy to support this element of my recovery: 

 

I am struggling but I am really proud of my progress:

 

one day at a time 

 
Posted : 23rd July 2024 10:25 am
Thebean
(@thebean)
Posts: 299
 

@uxqcyhtzrm 74 days is an amazing achievement.  Well done.  Those 74 days are hard earned and you should be so proud of how far you have come.

I think many of us used gambling as a support blanket to deal with stress and emotions.  I definitely used gambling as a way to deal with negative feelings as when I was gambling it dulled everything else.  

It's so important to find other coping strategies to replace the gambling.  I found exercise a good replacement.  Sometimes it is just about get past the initial cravings and focusing on something else and the feelings pass.

Well done 👍🏼 

 
Posted : 23rd July 2024 11:09 am
(@p6z38njbqm)
Posts: 513
 

Good honest post mate. Well done on all you’ve achieved so far. For us who have gambled for many years it is a huge change in our live dot give it up, especially if the gambling was a constant. This was the case for me too and I can see how you are struggling with the massive change. I’m lucky in a way in that my whole life has changed anyway. I moved out of my home and separated from my wife so that kind of took my focus away from gambling. Now I’m more settled and the gambling safety net I used to always rely on in tough times is niggling away at me daily. Luckily the urges pass quickly, and they will with you too. The longer you go, the shorter they get. As others have said, find things to distract yourself. I have taken to playing the Xbox. I’m not a gamer but it distracts me trying to be! You’ve come so far, and you will go further. Keep reading your first few posts if you feel down. Then look at you life now. No brainier to go back.

Stay strong 💪 

 
Posted : 23rd July 2024 11:44 am
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