I always find my way back here...

Hi Gem,

I'm really sorry to hear that things haven't improved for you.

This has been going on a long time hasn't it? Has he taken any real steps to recover, put barriers in place? How much more can you take? For me I realised that my husband would never stop whilst living with us in the family home. It was like I was enabling him to continue. My life was horrible, so stressful and I never knew how low his next blow would be. He showed no signs of real commitment to stop. Just lip service. I had enough basically. I had tried it all and the frustration was eating away at me. He left nearly 2 months ago. Since then he has entered into a DMP, has passed financial control to me, and is more positive. My life is much calmer and I no longer dread my weekends. I do miss him but actually I think we did the right thing for us both. We still talk and it's all amicable.

Im not trying to advise you to split up but just saying that in my experience him hitting rock bottom by being away from his family seems to be working so far - way more than any of my previous efforts.

You really do need to take care of yourself and your children.

Hi just joined up, I have read your post and the first paragraph sounds just like me! Although I can't believe what has happened with the police, my husband seems to have to gamble every few months and every time is worse than the last, I am at the point were I just want to go in I am sick of picking up the pieces, each time it happens its me who gets in more debt paying bills and just getting by, he can't get a pack of polos on credit and I am sure people are chasing him for debts, over the years I have put certain things in place, house, bills bank accounts all in my name!! But he has ways and is very good at telling lies this is the latest his wages usually go into my account but he came up with a great big fat lie to his boss who then paid him by cheque which he went and cashed and blew the lot, what do I do it takes him weeks to apologise doesn't beg and plead makes out I owe him something, I don't want to leave my house but I am not sure I can afford it with credit card bills ect, he won't leave and I look at him and hate hate him no trust anymore, please help.

Hi Katiecola im sorry to hear of your separation but im glad you are happier and more at peace. You've taken a big stand for yourself that is something you should be extremely proud of yourself for. I can imagine that it is hard being apart i know I'd miss my husband but the sad truth is it doesn't feel like he's here anymore anyway, I feel like I'm mourning a person that will never come back. He's on anti depressants but he still refuses councilling as an option again. I finished my own councillor a few months back and was feeling so positive but im back down to where I began. I've decided it's seriously time to break myself away from him.i need to be strong! I have my brother staying for a while so I won't feel as lonely hopefully and won't cave in when the house is quiet and the kids are in bed. I will do this! 🙂

Hi Nickle,

I really do feel your pain. It's like living in your own personal hell that you can't escape. It's a constant battle between your heart and your head and the heart wins everytime! They are very good at lying and manipulation and when my husband is that way out he's psychotic and delusional. All day I've been blamed and emotionally blackmailed and it's so tiring to fight against that and be normal for my kids. I go to bed exhausted and wake up feeling exactly the same. I also despise him and can barely look at him. The addiction takes over and it makes me resent everything and my trust in people is 0.

I'm gonna start putting my children and myself first and he can do as he pleases. I am choosing to be happy and I now know after years of trying that it's up to me to do it alone. Good luck and if you ever want to talk we are all here 🙂

Gem x

Hi Gem thanks for that I know just what you mean he seems to turn it on me all the time, I just wish he would go! But no he expects me to sort it all but I am also tired and depressed, I just wish someone could tell me what to do but I know that has to be down to me ! I just want the weight lifting, this may sound terrible but I sometimes hope he would meet someone else so they can take the burden. Thanks again feels good to talk to someone who knows.

Ment to say be strong you have the support in your brother, think about u and urs, my son (from a previous relationship)has just gone in the army so I also feel a loss there! One bonus is I have moved into his bedroom which really P****d him off but that's nothing compared to how and what he has put me through. Take care.

Hi Nickle,

I have woken up this morning to him expecting me to be his babysitter and go to the bank with him etc but I've said no. I don't care what he does with his money and im only letting him have to sofa for now for the kids sake. I too sometimes wish he would just find someone else then I could start my life and get over him and this whole mess. I don't think that's selfish at all, we are just at our wits end. I was very depressed when he had his last bad gambling spell to the point I could barely get out of bed. I was referred to a gambling councillor and she was amazing. I'm not a big speaker but I found myself telling her the whole lot and it eased the burden and my mind so much. You should definitely consider having one!

You must be so proud of your son! That's brilliant 🙂 keep your head high, nothing lasts forever, that's what I always tell myself. If this is rock bottom then the only way is up! Hope you have a good day & keep smiling 🙂

Gem x

Hi Gem so good to hear you have woken up with a very strong positive outlook it's hard to do I know but the children keep us going and you need to protect them as well as yourself, I think that is why I feel I have had enough my son is now growing into a young man and making his life and I feel a little redundant as a mum, so it's time for me!! Life is to short, just got that nagging in my head what if he can change??? At this point I think no then he says he wants to!!! They send you dizzy.

yes really do want to go to counselling that is how I came across this site, if you don't mind me asking did you seek the counselling yourself if not who referred you? As my other half has said we should go to RELATE ! But hasn't done anything about it!

Well hope your day got even better stay positive as always take care of you and urs

x Nic

Hi Nickle23

If you call Gamcare they can arrange counselling for you, its an hour a week for 12 weeks and I cant recommend it highly enough. Getting to appointments was difficult for me due to health reasons but my counsellor was happy to talk on the phone when I wasnt able to get to the office. There will be something Gamcare can do for you.

Ive just finished mine and had a fantastic counsellor, I had that one hour to say anything I liked and it was just for me. I think you can also have counselling as family as well if you prefer but personally I enjoyed that hour for myself.

My son is a cg and I had all these worries swirling round in my head and I just couldnt make any sense of it, it seemed like it was never going to end. My son still gambles theres no change in him but Im in better head space by far.I will always love him and worry about him but I cope better now than I ever did.

X

Hi thanks for the info regarding counselling, I defo need to sort something out for me as I try to be positive but then I see his face and loads of emotions flood my head, I just hate him for putting me in this place, he said the other day I can't keep using him as a punch bag!! (What has he continued to do with me with his gambling it's just like a punch in the stomach each time and it gets harder and harder to pick up the pieces , one positive is I am not letting my guard down anymore and he will never leave me in this position again scrimping and scraping!!

Thanks again Nic

Hello Nickle23

You can get further information and advice with the counselling sessions available in your local area from GamCare advisors on the free phone helpline 08088020133 and or through the netline at http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline . Lines are open 8am -midnight

Caroline

Hi Nickle,

Sorry for the very late reply! My life has been an absolute misery since everything, I've had his mum on my back and all sorts. I rang the solicitors today and it's £700 for a divorce, not affordable for me in a million years! I'm currently seeking a private counsellor as I've had sessions through gamcare before.

I hope you've been ok?

Gem x

Hi GemLou89

Im so sorry to hear your having such a dreadful time, my circumstances are different to yours but I know just how you're feeling all the same.

Im not sure what you mean by private counsellor, do you know you can go through your gp surgery and have counselling there free of charge. Ive heard that its possible to have more counselling sessions through gamcare if theres several months since your last lot finished, I could be wrong but its worth a phone call.

As for the divorce costing £700 ouch, is that a quote from one solicitor or is it worth shopping around so to speak. It might be worth going to citizens advice as well, maybe theres something they can do Id say youve lost nothing by just talking to them and its free.

And your mother in law, well I know its her son but this is your life and you do whats right for you and nobody else. It takes living with cg to know the real story and in my opinion unless you have been in our circumstances you have no say in how we live our lives.

We all love the cg in our lives and want nothing more than to support them and see them get well however that does not mean we have to live with their bad behaviour indefinetly. When the cycle just goes on and and we get further and further beaten down by it all eventually we say enough and decide we want a better life.

Id say get that counselling, clear your head and have a break from your husband so hes not in your face all the time. Then when your head is little clearer you can make decisions, but whats right for you not what anyone else says you should do.

X

Hi, GemLou,

I'm not telling you whether or not to divorce but you don't need to feel trapped by that quote into staying married to him. Unfortunately there's less state help with legal bills these days then there ever has been. However, you might phone round in search of a one off fixed fee interview for initial legal advice, should be a fraction of what you've been quoted. After that the actual divorce is usually a paper exercise, you may be able get the forms and fill them in yourself. Court orders about the children or the finances, if court orders are even needed, are dealt with separately from the divorce itself.

CW

Hi Gem so sorry to hear that things are no better for you, I really do feel for you I guess the counselling will be helping but it's so hard I know just ground down I am awaiting contact from Gamcare regarding some online counselling as the nearest is to far for me to travel, they did the referral last week just hopefully they will be able to give me some advice!! still not sure I want to carry on with the relationship I am so annoyed I have been brought to this situation, do keep thinking I should contact my doctors regarding counselling but I worry they wouldn't understand as I am the partner! He is just carrying on like it's all done with now but my mind is mashed!! Can't believe you are getting pressure from his mother does she not realise what he is doing to you just annoys me that people will never understand if they don't have to deal with it day in day out, have you been to citizens advice to see what they offer regarding divorce ect? Thinking about you and hope your looking after yourself. Stay strong talk soon . Nick