I found out last week my husband has got into debt of £39,000 by throwing money at stocks and shares. We have been together since 2016, got married July this year. I found out he had been gambling again on our delayed honeymoon.
I knew he was a gambler, in 2016 i helped set him up a debt management plan to pay off £11,000 he cleared it earlier this year. Now we are having to go down the IVA process as im scared bankruptcy will affect the house.
I expected a lapse or two but never to this extent. We have a 1 and 3 year old and I just dont know what to do.
He is remorseful, will go to counselling and the GP but what about me? I am left to pick up the pieces of lies, dishonesty, manipulation and deceit, that he restarted when I was pregnant and had a baby, he let us get married without revealing the truth, He was even going to let me go part time without telling me.
I have made an appointment with my GP as I am so teary and low, i feel like our life is a lie and meaningless. My mental health is at a low ebb.
I now face a future of controlling the family finances, monitoring him constantly despite working full time and having 2 young kids, one of whom has special needs, I did say we will need marriage couselling but right now need to focus on ourselves. I just cannot understand how a relationship can last when one partner is so dependemt on the other? I'll never have a husband who surprises me (in a good way) or whisk me away somewhere nice.....honestly what do other do to make it work and feel any romance or desire because right now i can't think of a good reason to make it work except for the kids.
@ihj5aqvdtc Hi Danielle and I am sorry that you are going through this.
I am afraid that I am the same as your husband in your story. I gambled through our marriage and having kids and only told my wife last year when I was up to my eyes in debt and could not function any more.
I am not defending your husband at all but I do know that the lies, deceit and manipulation that I caused came from the gambling as a mental health issue. I am not absolving responsibility in what I did or what your husband is doing but it is a horrible addiction that makes you lie and hurt yourself and those around you.
With respect I think you are highlighting 2 issues. 1) The gambling and deceit and 2) Your feeling that he has a lack of emotional investment in you i.e. lack of romance. These two issues may or may not be connected.
I have been guilty of both of these issues in my marriage. I personally don't need details and romantic gestures but my wife does. It has been an issue as I end up feeling that everything is fine and she is being too demanding using me as a scapegoat for other issues and she feels as though I don't give her what she really needs despite making it very clear to me.
It is a work in progress 🙂 . Especially with kids, it can be very easy to get lost in a relationships. Add other pressures, different personalities and then a gambling addiction with money worries and it is not easy.
Have you tried writing down your feelings and letting him read it?
I can't tell you if you should continue to try and make it work or not. However, before the kids, before the debt and before the gambling there were obviously things that made you have stronger feelings for him. It maybe good to think about the qualities that made you be with him in the first place and try and focus on the positive things as well as his negative behaviour then focus on if you think you can ever get back to that place.
Wishing you the best
Hi Danielle,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Honestly, I don’t know if I really have any advice, but I saw your post and wanted to reply because I’ve been feeling the same way. It’s been 6 weeks since everything came out about my husbands gambling. For me this was the first time learning about this side of him, and we’ve been married for 8 years. I will say that the first couple of weeks were the worse, I was actually having panic attacks in the night when I woke up and remembered how my life was turned upside down. Now there’s good days and bad days. We don’t have children so my decision to stay and support him is because despite everything I do love and care for him, though right now I am so angry with him and honestly feel quite disgusted by him. I know that gambling addiction is a mental illness so I’m trying really hard to separate what he’s done from the rest of the person he is… but that’s easier said than done. I am just desperately hoping that we can get our lives and marriage back on track. For now he seems completely remorseful, and he is devastated by what he’s done (it’s like he was in a fog of denial and now he’s seeing clearly how dangerous and damaging his behaviour was). He seems to be making all the right steps (gamban, self-exclusion, gamecare 1-2-1 counselling and full financial control to me) so I am trying to just believe we will get there. I know how addicts can be though, and I am so scared he/we won’t make it. You mentioned romance and desire - I completely agree that this seems impossible right now. I spoke to my husband about this and we are focusing on our friendship and being affectionate with each other whilst we work through everything, hoping that the romance and desire can come back into our marriage soon. That might not work for everyone, but feels like something achievable for now and despite everything I still find it comforting to cuddle with him etc. I think you’re right to see your GP for your own mental health and also look into couples counselling for a bit down the line - I think I will do the same. Take care and hope you feel better soon. You’re not alone. xx
This was hard to read and I really feel for you. I too was the gambler in my marriage. It’s horrendous what we put our partners through.
The only glimmer of hope I can give is that I am 6 months clean. I manage my own finances. I am clearing my own debts. No one monitors me or manages my money. With determination and help your partner can beat this and start to rebuild the trust he has destroyed. It’s not easy and it takes a huge commitment and effort but in order to save a marriage, it should be a no brainer.
I do hope you can find some solution. Please take care of yourself and the kids. They take priority. Financially separate from him. Protest yourself. You have done nothing wrong and are suffering for his actions. Everything is on him now. It can be done. Many people grow stronger together but that is all down to him.
I wish you all the best
I remember so clearly being where you are now and I'm so sorry that you're there - it is so painful and really lonely. We're 18 months down the line. Partner has been gambling (trading like your husband) free for nearly two years and he has kept up with his DMP. We mostly have good days; the love and romance is back but it has taken time. I'll always manage all the family finances though because I refuse to be betrayed again.
Stay strong lovely for yourself and your little ones. I know it's impossible to imagine but there is hope still and you will be ok whatever happens next
Hi
I know it's been some time since this was posted but I just wanted to say that there is support for partners and affected others.
Gamcare provided me with support before needing to refer me for counselling after my partner was caught out gambling again. He's done it countless times, for varying amounts of money, never owning up until he was caught-out. The first time was loan rejection letters to our house when our first born was less than a year old. The amounts has spiralled and I am more affected than ever before. Everything I do comes down to fixing the families financial state because he is unable/unwilling to.
There is support out there for you too. It is absolutely a hard burden to carry.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
