I am the disgruntled wife of a gambler

Hi Doz

It's hard for family of the compulsive gambler. We tend to put the focus on them, getting them organized with what they need to do to get better etc and forget about ourselves. You will undoubtedly go though the full spectrum of feelings,,, anger, frustration, fear, bitterness,betrayal, depression (and probably lots more i haven't mentioned) and you are entitled to every single one.

I am the mom of a compulsive gambler and I found Gam Anon to be very helpful. I went before my son admitted he had a problem. The support is so helpful. Suddenly you don't feel so alone, so scared, so at a loss. The people in the group "get" everything you are feeling.

I am sure that some of the spouses from this site will be along with more practical words.

You're not alone 🙂

Morning, Doz,

Well, you've good reason to be disgruntled! My husband is a CG, first time round after I unwittingly opened a bank statement, I got taken for a mug, ie lies, denial, continued secrecy, blame, promises to stop which were broken. This is second time round for us and there won't be a third. My elder son found out the hard way that his savings were gone, as were those of his siblings, the denials disintegrated. It's been devastating all round, the sheer enormity of the betrayal! To be fair, my husband has since demonstrated a continued commitment to stopping. And it's what they do that counts, you can't rely on what they say.

I was taken for a mug first time round but I accepted the unacceptable in a bid to "save my marriage" ie secrecy, his continued remoteness and mood swings. I wouldn't advise you to make the same mistakes. What's needed is accurate information and targeted support for you, available from GC counselling or the forum or better still, from GamAnon. The CG behaviour is described over and over on this forum and if you can recognise when you're being manipulated, that's a whole lot better all round than believing what you've been told whilst suspecting that it doesn't quite make sense. Do trust your own judgement.

re protecting yourself, you can't trust what he says, so don't, he shouldn't expect it. Verify any financial info eg by obtaining statements. Separate love and financial trust, after all, you trust the staff at the bank to handle your money correctly without loving any of them. But you can't trust your husband to do the same thing. Put as many assets as possible in your name, change and don't share PINs and passwords, don't have log in details remembered on the computer, keep cards and cash safe. Also get the statutory £2 credit reports in your name and his so you can confirm for yourself the state of any debt and verify the existence of all accounts.

Computers and devices should be protected by passwords or blocking software or both, smartphones are harder to block, my husband uses a brick. We dealt with self exclusion by letter quoting all identifying details, referring to a gambling problem, asking for permanent SE and no further contact by any means. The pennies due back were refunded without any need for him to go back onto the website to withdraw!

I closed down all of his accounts except for our joint account, which has a nil overdraft facility. Joint accounts mean joint liability but also entitlement to access, regardless of his cooperation. I wrote to the bank referring to the gambling transactions in his account and saying that I did not and would not in the future authorise any gambling transactions nor applications for loans or overdrafts from that account and any future instructions to the contrary should be treated with suspicion. His wages are paid into that account and I promptly move them out of harm's way and drip feed him an allowance.

Hope some of this helps. Take care.

CW

Thanks Amom, Cynical Wife and Half-Life,

I realise how firm I need to be and have control of everything. Self exclusion from his preferred gambling sites have happened and I do realise that if he REALLY wanted to, he could open more. Right now he feels strong and says that if he had to open an account, it would buy him the time to question his actions and get the help he needs to prevent it. I know that this could easily change. His wages will be paid into my bank and I will be giving him just the money he needs to live off. He is maxed out in terms of credit facilities he says but again as things get paid this will change and I need to be vigilant about what he is doing. Thanks agin and I will be back!

It isn't about the money. It's an addiction to the process of gambling and like any other addiction long term it needs to be addressed at source and recovery has to be maintained. Only he can do that.

Take care of you.

CW

Hi Doz, popping on here instead of the other thread to say I think maybe you 'choose' them rather than them behaving this way because of you! My mum left a Class A drug abuser come alcoholic for an out & out alki, both capable of holding down jobs but 2 very different people so I'm fairly sure she wasn't drawn to the drink problem. Many addicts (some will say all but I'm no 'nutter' promise) generally have psychological issues that they are battling & maybe need looking after more than your average Joe. If you have a nurturing nature maybe you are drawn to their vulnerability? Maybe given the extent of the problem you just got unlucky the second time? Maybe I just talk a load of old nonsense but whatever the reason you got with them, you are not to blame for their addiction!

Ultimately whilst we may trample over loved ones in the pursuit of our own perceived happiness whilst active in addiction, we are not inherently bad people, mostly we just took a wrong turn! Keep believing his actions not words & trust your instinct. There is life after gambling if he puts the effort in - ODAAT

Thanks once again ODAAT, your honesty is refreshing and I recognise that I am a nurturer by nature which has maybe allowed my vision of people to be distorted. I feel the commitment from you to recovery and ths gives me great hope for the future. Yes actions not words are very important right now and moving forward!

Hi again. Taken a break from the whole "let's deal with this gambling issue" to get back to normal life and work. I have had a bad day tbh. I have spoken to a friend who is a counsellor and she asked questions that I thought I had the answers for. Defo didn't! I felt so positive last week but the impact of the debt is hitting home. Bank holidays coming up and we can't afford to do what we have always done. I feel more upset than angry at this point. My husband is of the mind that we should be moving forward etc. I don't care about that today!! I am very angry!!

Be angry, you have every right to be but whilst you are silently screaming ask yourself this...Is being angry gonna help the kids? Then when you have caught your breath with hubby ask him to plan something new for the family to prove to you that he is putting in the required effort to move on! Goodness only knows where that came from but as I have to keep pointing out to my Nan, she can get as angry as she wants, burst a few blood vessels in her face if she desires but no amount of screaming or shouting will enable my mum to return the money! It's gone & never coming back so focus on herself & what she can do without it that makes her happy.

Some counsellor questions are like A level maths...You don't always get the right answer straight away but keep doing your workings out & you'll get there eventually! The responses to ones I have seen on here suggest that they can be very painful so don't be surprised that you didn't have the answers & that this has hurt you!

Look after you, look after your kids & throw the scraps @ hubby until you have more strength! Yes he could do with your support but not to the detriment of your own well being!

You need to put you 1st - ODAAT

Morning,

re your bank holiday plans, the GamAnon advice is that household expenditure comes first and his debt a poor second. In so far as it is possible, you and the children shouldn't be going without and you shouldn't take on his debt. If you can go ahead with your usual plans, do, you're more important than his credit card. Also, sometimes CGs focus on the debt and the money, seeing only that once it's paid off, life will be rosy. But if they haven't addressed their addiction to the process of gambling, nor tried to change the corrupted thinking that goes with addiction, the same compulsion will propel them into further gambling once the slate is clear. So there's no rush.

I'm quite a bit further down the line but letting go of the anger is a big issue for me. My husband gambled behind my back for fifteen plus years with behaviour and damage to match, we have less external debt but he stole the children's savings and tricked me out of a chunk of inheritance. He's been gf for about ten months and finally working on changing himself back into a human being, all good, but forgiveness is a big ask. It's not a single momentary process, it doesn't come overnight; to me, it depends on his behaviour and remorse as well. My husband also wanted to "move forward" whilst sweeping a large pile under the carpet and criticised me for continually looking back. It's been mentioned in other f&f posts, it's seems to be part of addict thinking. But it's not realistic, actions speak louder than words and CGs have a lot to repair. My husband and I both have therapy as well as meetings and it helps. I need to forgive him eventually for my own sake, but in my own time and when I'm ready.

Hope this helps,

CW