Hi there, I am new to this forum but not to this lifestyle. I met my husband 4 years ago and when we were in the 'getting to know you' period I was told (not by him) that he had had a problem with scratchcards in the past.
At the time I didn't think anything of it as the person who told me was a friend of his ex and let's just say there was no love lost between them so I though she was just trying to stir the pot.
My husband and I both have good jobs, however I started to wonder why we were always short of money as he was earning a good wage as a self employed truck driver, We would argue all the time and he would always be defensive and then the verbal abuse started. He would call me awful names and blame me for everything.
We had a joint bank account and also our own separate bank accounts. It was January this year, he had lost his bank card for his personal account and one day I was sat at work and happened to check our joint account. I noticed lots of payments to the national lotto had come out. Eleven payments in total all in one day adding up to £145. I spoke to him about it when he came home at the end of the week and he broke down and told me he had been spending money on scratchcards again. He let me have access to his accounts and it turned out he had been doing this since the end of July spending almost £500 a week. Now these weren't one off payments they were several payments spread out through out the day. £10 here £25 there,
I was angry not only at my husband but at the National Lottery. Surely these payments should have been flagged as problematic? I emailed them and and told them what had happened and my husband agreed to a lifetime exclusion which they assured me could not be reversed and he would not be able to make another account.
Things settled down and I took control of the finances. The arguments continued and he would constantly tell me I am controlling. The verbal abuse continued and he would blame me and my family. My children are grown up but do not get on with my husband as they have witnessed his verbal outbreaks.
It is now just me and my husband in the house and with Covid-19 I am now working from home. Up until last week my husband has had regular work but that has now dried up.
Last Monday my husband received a phone call. It turned out to be the police. Back in January my husband had stolen a wallet from one of the trucks he was using. He he used the bank card and brought fuel and scratchcards from a garage. He was identified on CCTV. There was no point me getting cross with him, he knew he'd done wrong. We talked about it I I tried to get him to admit he had an addiction but he wouldn't. That evening I checked his account again once again and more payments had gone out for the national lottery £70 in 3 hours. After discovering the theft this was too much and I just cried, His reaction was to shout at me telling me it was all my fault and he would leave me. I was called everything under the sun and I ended up locking myself in the bathroom to get away from him.
It's the aggression that I cannot understand. His family know nothing about any of this and he told me if I tell them that he will leave me. He has told me he says horrible things to me to hurt me but he never means it. Why would he do this?
I am recovering from surgery after having a breast reconstruction after cancer, I don;t think I am strong enough for this.
My husband had attempted suicide twice in the past but that was before we got together.
I really don't know how to help and I can't do it on my own.
Any advise will be muchly appreciated
Hello Forever Flying
I am so very sorry to hear how tough things are for you at the moment. I am really glad that you have taken this first step in contacting us and if you haven’t already I would strongly urge you to also ring our free, 24 hour HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and we can talk you through all the help and support available, including free one to one telephone support for people affected by someone else’s gambling.
It sounds as though your husband has been taking out his anger and other feelings, but you are not responsible for his gambling and you are not controlling for having boundaries and wanting to know the truth about what has been going on. It sounds as though your children are also concerned about his behaviour, and I wonder whether they may be able to offer you some support in this situation, or whether there are other people in your life who are able to support you in any way?
If you would welcome some more professional support during this difficult period the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 (which is 24/7 and free) are really supportive in such situations, they can offer a listening ear and some strategies in these situations.
I also want to let you know about an online chatroom https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/group-chatroom/ every Wednesday from 7-8pm for the family and friends of anyone with a gambling problem, please do consider coming along so you can talk to other people in the similar position as you. Chat rooms are friendly, moderated and you can say as little or as much as you want.
If your husband does want help with his gambling there is a lot of support available, so please don’t feel like you’re alone with this.
All best wishes
Josie
Forum Admin
Hi Forever Flying and welcome to the forum.
No you cant do this on your own and it will help if you can build strength through a support network.
Its not your fault and his gambling is clearly unacceptable to anyone. You should not have to put up with any abuse verbal or otherwise.
We are not relationship counsellors but we do know about this addiction
He does need reality checks but it sounds as though its not very safe for you to confront him. Its doesnt sound like the sort of loving relationship I would want. When I love someone I basically say Im happy for them to get their own way within reason .
Now you cant let this be a blind love and he has a gambling addiction. Im not saying he is inherently bad as addiction is an illness. However he has a history of this and he needs to be willing to experience a born again moment and seek help
Ive been a problem gambler and I wouldnt live with one. I know all too well that it gives me no security my possessions or the roof over my head
You need to protect your finances and home as a top priority then you can make decisions when the time is right for you
I know these are strange days and domestic upsets are going through the ceiling...my job is on furlough...may lose it but I'm not gambling or making others miserable.
Dont feel guilty about anything. He shouldnt be putting you through this. gambling is a complex addiction but if he is not ready to calm down and get proper help there isnt much you can do for him...all you will do is suffer mentally and get depressed.
You are not alone...there is help and you deserve better than that
Your decision but build knowledge and strength. Look you may need some distance to heal your mind. Ideally I would like him to be ready for help and you two make a go of it but it doesnt look good at present
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you for your replies I really do appreciate your support
When I discovered he'd made another account I emailed camelot asking why this has been allowed to happen when they told me he never would be able to make an account again using his details. It turned out he had used my sons name to make the account but still he had used his bank details so they should have flagged that.
Anyway that evening there was a knock on the door. Camelot had notified the police as I'd told them about having to lock myself away, The male PC took my husband into the kitchen for a chat while the female one sat with me in the living room. She was really supportive and my husband had a bit of a wake up. She told me that any time I feel threatened I am to contact them straight away as he is known to them from a previous incident.
I know what you are all thinking and yes I am crazy to stick around but I do love him.
I have recordings of his verbal abuse as a back up
I know I need to get out but times are hard for everyone and there are more deserving people needing the support of the domestic violence teams who will be stretched right now without me calling them
I am safe and my priority right now is to help my husband
Thank you once again
xx
Hi
well yes you know what we are all thinking so take care of yourself.
Its good to talk and we hope this forum is a great help to you
Compulsive gambling fraudulent accounts and a visit from the police should focus your mind that it cant really go on like that.
I hope you have not adopted the attitude that you are not going to trouble anyone like a shrinking violet
When faced with a partner with a gambling addiction the priority is you.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
To top it all I have just had an email from my boss telling me I'm not doing as much as expected of me while working at home and I need to double my interactions
I have emailed her back and told her everything and she was very apologetic
My husband has signed up to seek help which is a step in the right direction but I can't see us turning around from this mess
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