Well... Where to begin? I am a 31 year old man with a gambling problem.
I write this at 02:45am, after a long late shift finishing at 12:30, I slump through the door at 01:00 and within 2 hours i've just dumped 3 grand on roulette, my friend... my enemy.
Who am I? How did I get here? Well I don't exactly understand myself. I look at my life and wonder how I ended up down this path. My parents always thought it was my gaming that led me to gambling, absolutely baffled how me, a fairly intelligent guy with a degree, is able to fail so spectacularly at controlling myself when it comes to a flutter. I don't understand it myself really, but I think tonight I have finally seen the light.
This isn't the first time I've had such a loss. No more than 4 years ago I had moved away in my own place, working as a graduate for Royal Mail. The freedom I had, answering to no one. Yet all the responsibility of managing myself comes crashing down when you dump all of your wage on the wheel. That led to various loans, credit cards and eventually a mountain of unsecured debt that even today I am still paying back to my loving parents who bailed me out. I'm no more that 6 months away from clearing that, yet here I am heading back down that same slippery slope.
Everyone has their vices, the one thing they chase. Mine's roulette. This specific situation started about 2 months ago where I decided to play slots on 20p just for the fun. I didn't think much of it, but it has just opened a path to where I am now. It's always the same, a miracle on 20p where you win a couple of thousand and you feel invincible... I rode that wave for 2 months. Frequent deposits, daily. I'd be up, down, stable. I'd play the slots until I had £20 left then I'd spin it on roulette to either get the deposit back or end the session. There were times where I went into the hole but somehow managed to get it back or win by chasing. The ultimate no go, but it was somehow working for me. I couldn't lose, yet I knew this was never going to last. £4k in the bank, just sitting there. Burning in my brain. Today the luck ran out. The chase never hit and boom dropped 3k. I'm actually surprised that I stopped with 1k left. It tells me that somewhere in that rotten brain, there is that rational thinking guy saying hey... you can't do all of this, how will you live? Shame it came £3000 too late. I thankfully moved another £4000 out of my account into a non-withdrawable saver, so I take solace knowing there's still something squirrelled away, bittersweet however.
I've tried things before, GA meetings, therapy. It never did anything for me. I'm very introverted when it comes to my spare time and that admittedly comes from my enjoyment of gaming. I don't know what causes my urge to gamble, never really been able to identify my triggers. I would love to be able to.
I have gone months and even years without gambling and it's not something I've missed, but like anything, when you do something and it's enjoyable (when you're winning) you tend to keep going. It's only times like now you realise that it's suffocating and torture, throwing away money on something so stupid.
I've decided to post here and will do so whenever I think about gambling. It's not something I have ever tried before and perhaps keeping a log of my thoughts may help.
All the accounts are shut and there was no hesitation. In the past I've always thought well I don't want to close this completely, I might want to come back someday... Today I sit here thinking the sooner I am rid of it the better. Now I feel renewed. Times like this in the past I'd be distraught, crying... angry. I sit here calm and collected, knowing that I am never going to do that again. A wash of memories, all those times that I simply just cannot relieve anymore. I am done with it all.
I think of all the things I should be doing instead... I have, and always have been, a bigger guy - overweight. Why? I eat c**P and sit on my a*s secluded in my spare time. It's taken me this long to realise on all the things I could be doing instead of watching some random guy in Malta flick a small white ball around a wheel. The first thing right now being sleep... why the hell didn't I just sleep?
Tomorrow's a new day, Tomorrow will have different thoughts. Maybe then the anger will come. Maybe I will still be thinking as I am now. Here's to a change
Welcome UnluckyNumber7,
Thank you for sharing such detail about your recovery journey so far,
It sounds like you have had periods of being gambling-free after trying GA and therapy previously. Well done for coming back to reach out for peer support to continue on your journey. You should recognise that you are resilient, and you keep trying, that is admirable. You are not alone if you have experienced a lapse or relapse on the way to long-term gambling abstinence. You are also not ‘back to square one’. Although you are still finding it difficult to identify your particular triggers (or combination of triggers) you will have learnt a lot about your patterns of gambling and common gambling recovery strategies.
Remember that our Helpline is here 24/7 on 0808 8020 133 if you wish to talk in more detail about various support options. There may be new options that were not available a year or two ago. It can be challenging when you work different shifts to family and friends and does suggest that some alternative hobbies and activities that you can do on your own at home to decompress after work may be helpful.
Wishing you the best,
Louise,
Forum Admin
Hi UnluckyNumber7
Yes. I can relate to everything you wrote. I went to GA and it was a great success for me. I was off gambling for years and paid off all debts. Unfortunately I have got cancer now and stupidly rejoined online sites. Big mistake. Started out ok as usual then became incontrollable. Thankfully like yourself I have stored money away but have still lost thousands in the last few weeks. I have now registered on the web to exclude me from all online sites. I'm back on track by trying to travel and get out more as I used to. Good luck to you and try to get to the root of the triggers as to why like me you go back. It's a real puzzle to me as I know I can't win. It's almost as if I am punishing myself for being a success in life and don't deserve it.
@312wu4otiz Evening unluckynumber7
Wanted to add my thoughts to your very honest and heartfelt post.
I am a volunteer peer supporter as my son had gambling harm for 9 years and is now 17 months free of harm.
Firstly I can see you do have all the tools to combat your gambling habits. My son played roulette and i know that he entered a world that was apart from everyone else whilst gambling. The hardest moment is the decision to stop when you admit the gambling habits are adversely affecting your life. You appear to have done that.
As you say you are intelligent and are aware acutely of consequences.
I would say to you grab all the help you can. Gamcare and other charities offer exactly what each person needs to help. The helpline advisers listen non judgementally. Forums and chatrooms offer a listening ear from all of us that know how you feel in many ways. You are not alone at all.
Keep talking to the closest people to you and start to replace your normal with a new norm with new activities to help you love yourself a bit more. Daily reflection and any type of writing can be very helpful and powerful to reflect back on.
Best wishes
Patsy
@lkuhcqt4vp hi mate.
strange isn’t it. Very similar scenarios albeit the health difference which I wish you the best in your fight.
Today it’s been on my mind, specifically the misses, what if I didn’t bet that number etc, which I know isn’t good and won’t change anything but it’s definitely the raw fallout that I know will pass with time.
happy knowing that when I get home tonight I can’t repeat that damage. 1 I don’t have the money to but 2, even if I did all my accounts are shut…. A very bittersweet feeling but a day gone by nonetheless
@ofb741hvqs thanks for your reply.
I resonate with the alternate universe feeling. As soon as that money was gone I was myself again, and thought why the hell did I just put 500 quid on 7 numbers? What an idiot. I’m that moment you don’t think like that, it’s just clicking a button unfortunately. All too easy to undo all the hard work.
thankfully for me the majority of that money was sourced from a gambling win. I know it’s still my money but it feels like I lost it from an ill gotten gain, not my salary. The wages are tied up in savings and they will now continue to be put aside as all the accounts are shut.
annoyed I blew the money now but nothing I can do about it. Just going back to leaving gambling in the dust where it belongs
the way you write tells me you already feel defeated by the way you speak. It's like monologue with a under tone of failure. This is me not even mentioning the gambling aspect as of yet.
Do you want a positive outcome away from your current habits and life style while also being gamble free seems like a fair question?
GA meetings attempt to encourage a change of character for a more positive life as well as stopping gambling. I must admit I have drawn the line with myself with my own pessimistic views and experiences and can relate to the mountains we climb to get away from it all.
I think the messages above from others should be helpful enough... I just think asking questions can be helpful too to explore ones self and motives... I truly hope you find what triggers you... I did and I am 900 days gamble free..... You can do it. Look deep into yourself and reflect before injecting a new life I hope
Dave101
Just for today I will not gamble, and ponder on do I eat the last biscuit.
hi Dave, thanks for your reply
you aren’t wrong, I set it out as that sort of style, although in general I am more of a pessimist I suppose. I find it easier to highlight improvements/failures that have been made as opposed to opportunities removed link I also seem to completely lose that analytical mindset when it comes to gambling. I don’t see my bets on roulette as a 22% chance of success (which is obviously not likely) I just whack the money on.
I am most curious as to why that was, I write this in the sense of not doing it again. I must admit I haven’t even been tempted… completely snowed under with work to even have time to ponder about it!
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