After 25 years together my partner admitted on Monday that he has a gambling problem. I honestly believe that he has only made the admission as he knew there was no way he could lie his way out of it this time. He took a desperately needed £500 loan out monday afternoon and after going out to buy food/gas/electric (we had nothing!)came home 6 hours later and admitted he had blown the lot and asked for help.
I am angry, so angry like you wouldn't believe. Not with him but with myself for being so stupid and believing his lies for so long. We are only just about talking, he admitted he has a problem and asked for help. I wrote him a letter explaining exactly how I felt, I feel like the last 25 years have been a complete and utter lie, I don't even know who he is anymore. I thought if he saw it written down it might sink in, the response I got the next day was that he "thought I was making things darker than they are" and he would write me letter. Needless to say I am still waiting, after 25 years I am pretty used to the empty promises. I found our nearest GA meeting and asked him if he would like to go, he said no as he isn't going to gamble anymore. Just like that!! He seems to think we can now carry on as if nothing as happened, I am up to my neck in debt with catalogues after trying to provide clothes/christmas for our 4 kids for the last few years. He seems to want to brush everything under the carpet like its not happened, I just don't know what to do. I have taken his bank cards and closed the online/telephone gambling accounts that I know about. He just doesn't seem to understand how this has destroyed me, I've always known he liked to have the odd bet, his so called "£1" football bets but to leave your kids at home hungry with no food in the house and no gas and go and blow £500 is just despicable at the moment he just disgusts me and I don't know if I can ever get over it. I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life yet he can't seem to understand what the fuss is about :0(
Hi Kar872, welcome to the Forum,
My heart goes out to you my friend, and you have every right to feel this way.
Your partner is not a bad person - it must come across like he doesn't care about you or your children, but the reality is somewhat different.
He doesn't start with the intention to jeopardise everything he has - he starts and believes he can stop at any point; he can't, once he starts, he almost always spirals into oblivion - you develop an obsession where you can't comprehend the relaity of the situation and consequences don't exist until the money runs out and the lights die down.
I wouldn't want to make excuses for him; he had a responsibility to seek help and admit his problems much earlier than what he has. I was the same, I gambled for twenty years before stopping for good over five years ago.
And neither are you stupid my friend; compuslive gamblers are extraordinarily good at covering their tracks - obsessions makes you that way, it drives you to do and say whatever is necessary to ensure you can still access the fuel that drives your addiction.
He has a responsibility to get help, for your sake if nothing else. Ask him to attend GA with an open mind; he doesn't have to interact; he could sit at the back of the hall and listen to others. In the meantime, blocking software is much more effective than closing individual accounts - K9, Betfilter, Gamblock are all very effective; as he says, he won't gamble anymore so none of this should be a problem.
He has to appreciate that he can't ever gamble again. Those £1.00 Football bets are as toxic as anything else - not for what it is, but for what they could potentially lead to; if he has a "near miss", it would almost always drive him to gamble more, at higher stakes.
You haven't wasted 25 years of your life my friend, and he is exactly the same person you married; if they banned gambling, worldwide, tomorrow, he would return to that almost instantly. That isn't going to happen, so he has to address this problem and do something about it, in the same way anyone would have to about an ongoing medical condition. If he refuses to seek help, then he should have absolutely no problem proving it and he should want to; I was desperate to prove myself to those I loved, I was desperate to hand over bank statements showing that I was making good progress.
Now is not the time to feel disgusted my friend - I know that is very difficult and you have every right to be hurt and confused, but I would save those negative feelings for the time when and if he refuses to tackle the problem. This can't be ignored, and he can't bury his head in the sand.
I wish you well Kar872, I sincerely hope you can move forward from this.
JamesP
Hi I've just read your post and it brought me to tears. I have recently found our that my husband has a gambling problem. He has always been bad with money but over the last couple of years he has been stealing money from me and selling our belongings to fund his habit. He only admitted he had a problem when I found pawn receipts for electrical goods I once owned. Just feel so hurt and angry a how selfish his behaviour has been and I can't believe a word he says. We have a young family and I feel he is throwing away what could be a lovely life. After his initial upset he gets angry with me trying to transfer the blame and he uses emotional blackmail to try and get more money. Who knows where we will go from here I'm so lost.
Hey Mitch1978 how are things going for you now? I'm still with my partner, just! Although I have to admit that if I wasn't in so much debt then I wouldn't be here. I just cannot afford to do anything about it :0/
One sentence in your post really stood out to me "I feel he is throwing away what could be a lovely life" That is just how i feel, only that he has already thrown our lives away. My 16 year old said to me the other day "Think of the things we may have had if Dad didn't gamble and drink, maybe we could have gone on holiday" It broke my heart, I should have spotted things so much sooner. I have let my children down so badly. Please don't let this go on as long as I did put yourself and your children first xxx
Well what can i say. Its nice to see im not alone. My partner also blew a lot of money. Our rent and bills money. I had.to take out a loan to cover it. This is the 2nd time he has done this. One min he is full of apology and promises to stop.the next day he has pawned something. We too are still together, only just. We are literally hanging by a thread. I am lost as to what to do. Part of me wants to end it but then i wonder would that help?
Debbi I honestly don't know what to tell you because I'm lost too. My other half supposedly self excluded from the local betting shops but that just means he travels further afield. I took over all the bank accounts so he has no access, but the money he is earning besides must be around 250 a week which I see nothing of. Its just never mentioned.
A letter came today for 460 which he owes which has been passed to a debt collection agency, I got the letter thrown in my face and made to feel it was my fault for not paying it. It's taken a long time but I realise now that it isn't my fault, it's his debt and he should be paying it. He needs to take responsibility for himself. The money I have access to just covers our living expenses but he makes me feel like I'm robbing him blind!
I just don't think I can live like this anymore, I don't know where to turn. Our house is rented but the tenancy is in his name, even though I have paid for everything. I feel like such a mug!!
I have nothing other than my gorgeous children who i have let down so badly. I know what I have to do for my own sanity, I just don't know how I can do it xxx
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