Hi
Im not really sure why Im posting I think its to prove to myself that I could stand my ground and to show other f & f that they dont have to live the way I did too, if they dont want to.
Its a few months since I last saw my son, the last time was very upsetting he was shouting at me that when he kills himself it will be my fault. Two police officers had hold of him and put him the car, it felt like the worst day of my life.
For a while I completely fell apart but did start to feel better after a few weeks, Ive had good days, still plenty of rubbish days but in general Im moving forward.
Yesterday I got a call from him, sent me into panic, didn't know what to do, but I took a deep breath and answered the phone. It was so lovely to hear his voice but I stayed calm and listened to what he had to say. He said he missed us and wanted to come home and talk to me, just me not his dad and not when his dad would be home. I said no it would have to be else where and with both me and my husband, he tried several times to make excuses as to why it could only be me and at home. For a nano second I came close to saying yes, but I didn't and said it would have to be on our terms or not at all.
I am the weaker parent and he knows this and I cant guarantee if he did come home I wouldn't buckle but I recognise it for the manipulation it is so I stood my ground. I said if he was willing to meet us on our terms we could do that but instead I got the monster as I call it, and he told me what he thought of me and he hung up.
Ive suprised myself I actually feel ok, well if ok is the right word, its reminded me that we are doing the right thing and will continue to do so. In the last week or so theres post from his bank building up, its all the direct debits that hes not paying, I havent opened them but hes had so many for a long time I know what they are. Im sure hes running out of money, cant pay his bills and wants a comfy life back at home. This is the consequences of his gambling and I know he has to feel them so I will let it happen, it has to for his sake, we wont be rescuing him.
I really thought Id never be able to do this, but even after all the heart ache I feel even more determined to carry on as we are.
For anyone in a similar situation to me, if you've come to the end of your tether as I did you dont have to live with madness and chaos if you dont want to. Im not going to lie its very upsetting to start with but you adjust and life gets to be a new normal, we really do have to look after ourselves because the cg in our lives isnt thinking of us.
Hi, I have read some of your threads and they are heartbreaking, but tough love is the only way sometimes. The reason I am (I am a CG) posting on this thread is that I think I reached my rock bottom last night and I am looking for something/anything to help me quit this awful addication. You threads touched a nerve with me, I don't want to lose my house, and while I have no-one depending on me for their existence, I know eventually my loss of funds will impact on my son's inheritance and my partners future life style. So thanks your threads are raw/painful, I need to read stories like this now, to jolt me into stopping and jolt me into re-ality.
Hi Lost my life
Thank you for your reply.
For us friends and family its not so much the money that hurts its the emotional side of living with a cg that does all the damage. My posts are difficult to read but they do show the damage this addcition can do to everyone involved.
I would never ever of thought my son would of said and done the things he has, and still find it hard to believe the level hes stooped to, none of it makes any sense. I got a text from him this morning saying that he couldnt pay is rent and would I help him, I said no gave him Gamcare and The Samaritans number, and Ive blocked his number on my phone. Ive had to for my own sanity, I cant get involved in his mind games again.
Theres more to come with my son he hasn't yet reached his rock bottom, I was hoping after all thats happened he would of but not yet. I have to let him feel the consequences and its knowing that that keeps me going, hate it having to leave him to it but it has to be done if hes ever to want recovery.
Id bet that your partner and son already feel the impact of your gambling, emotionally if not finanially yet, but cg is progressive so it will impact on their lifestyle at some point. Im pleased you've reached the point where you want recovery, but this has to come from you, only you can do it, it doesnt depend on your partner, son or anyone else. Recovery is possible, look at the recovery diaries on this forum, but its a lot of continued hard work and it all has to come from you.
Make today the start, give yourself the best possible chance by doing what ever you need to do for recovery, no half measures or putting things off just go for it, you can do this.
Take care.
Many thanks for your support, it meant a lot to me to-day, I have tried for many years to quit this awful addication, for me it was attempting to get money back (which I think I will need for old age) that I had and lost. I have been I know stupid, but I did not like losing the money so ............................ I would like you to know I have never abused verbally or physically anyone around me in relation to this problem, it is my problem. I have never asked anyone to bail me out, but I am a cg, I hate to say it but I am. I am stopping to-day because the thoughts of debt or borrowing are too frightening to bare. Thanks again for your reply I needed it, I am so sorry your son is horrible to you, no parent should have to hear that.
What you are doing is the hardest thing any of us in f&f will ever be faced with. I'm sure it never feels "good" or "right" yet you are doing it for yourself and your son... that is truly inspiring.
Have a great peaceful day!
Cathyxx
Hi
Amom - I have had a peaceful day thanks, kept busy, I find distraction helps the most. Its very kind of you to say inspiring, Im really nothing at all special just a mum and taking things one day at a time , its something you said to me a while a go and its what I live by, I dont want to think any further a head than that.
Lost my life - rock bottom is different for every cg, for you its the fear of debts, it hasn't happened for my son yet, I think possibly it might if he his girlfriend leaves him. Shes threatened it countless times but never actually did it, she sees us as bad parents who in her words doesnt support their son, she doesnt realise that her behaviour is enabling him, tried explaining that to her but she doesnt want to know. What ever his rock bottom is I guess only time will tell.
Just because my sons behaviour is so bad I dont automatically think another cgs will be the same, my son is quite an extreme example of the depths some one can go to but as cg is progressive the behaviour only ever declines until you want recovery.
You've taken the first very big step in my opinion, you acknowledge you are compulsive gambler, thats a big step up from denial, I imagine it must be very scarey. Forget chasing the money you lost, its gone , you know what chasing it will lead to. you don't have to have a lot of money to have a great life, being free of this dreadful addiction is worth more than any money could ever give you.
Just take things hour by hour if need be, dont beat yourself up for whats past and gone, just do what you have to do to recover. You can do this, let me know how you get on
Take care
Hi, Ann,
Well done on doing what you had to - it can't have been easy but the alternative would have been unthinkable. And you can do it now because you know what manipulation sounds like and you know that you're doing the best thing for everyone.
Take care of you, especially if he keeps on trying.
CW
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