No clue what to do

Hey. ..sorry to read your story..
I'm the gambler in my marraige. ...well I was untill 140 odd days ago ! so probabally not the best person to offer you advise....just wanted to welcome you to a great place for help and support....I'm sure someone from family and friends will soon pop in and say hi. ...good luck x

Hi Loxxie, thank you for taking the time to comment, well done on 140 days, a massive achievement!

I feel very alone in all this, so its nice to know there are people out there going through the same thing.

THANKYOU...and yes I'm a little bit proud...hold tight honey...some of the best people to help you with your dilemma will be around here later.. you are not alone. ..

Hi nsw1980

You are not alone in this. It is a very lonely feeling but you've done the right thing coming here. I've kind of been where you are. My story is on here but I haven't posted for ages.

I felt like you - angry, hurt and torn. I tried everything I could to help my husband but as you will know they can only do it for themselves and they have to be willing to do whatever it takes. I struggled like you because my husband is a great man and I really valued my 20 year marriage. The frustration was destroying me in the end and stealing from me was the last straw. It is a progressive illness as I think you already know. So do you stick by your man or save yourself? After many months and soul searching I made him leave. I'm not telling you to do the same. But actually since he has left he has made great progress. I help control his money and his last bet(according to him) was months ago. I believe if he was still with me he wouldn't have had the push to make changes in his life. I think he is slowly recovering, we are friends but we are divorcing. It has ripped my family apart, my girls have suffered and I've cried till my face ached. As I say it's not for everyone, just another story to prove you are not alone. Many couples manage to stay together and find a new normal. You don't need to rush into a decision. I just knew in the end. I hope this helps.

Hi

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.

My son's debts are very much like your husbands, we helped out several times,he created more and eventually went to Step change. I made the mistake of helping sort his debt management plan, (dont ever do that thay need to do it as part of recovery) anyway like your husband he failed to make the payments on it. Step Change tried hard to get him back on plan but he never did, so dont let him tell you they wouln't help him.

My son doesnt live with us any more we got to breaking point and couldnt take another day of living the way we did, and had no other choice. I finally accepted that we couldnt help him, tried everything you could think of but none of it helped. It has already been said but the only person who can help a cg is themselves, nothing way say or do will make any difference.

As for not letting him starve, my son tried that one, how could I possibly let my son go hungry, and each time I gave in. The truth is you're not letting him go hungry he'd rather spend any money he has gambling. I doubt very much he will go hungry, for all my son tried that with me when I eventually stopped giving him money or buying food he never went hungry, hes still the big strapping lad hes always been.

Your husband knows you're his safety net and will take full advantage of it, he will let you buy food, pay the bills etc, because again he'd rather gamble his money than do these things. Im sorry if this sounds harsh but while you continue to help him this way he will have no desire to stop gambling why should he, a cg has to feel the consequences of their actions. To me and you you would think surely by now they'd want to stop, but its only when as my counsellor told me "life has got so unbearably s****y that the want to stop is stronger than compulsion to gamble", that they will want recovery and its different for everyone.

We did all of these things for our son, but it is enabling, not in the way you would usually think by giving them money but paying bills, buying food and putting up with their awful behaviour is enabling. Its not a critcisim we've all done it, I did it for years but all its doing is making the whole gambling process easier for them, they get more money to spend on it and dont feel any of the consequences.

As Half life said his parents have to be on board, your husband will go to them and use the poor me card when he doesnt get what he wants from you, its not their fault my husband and I did it with our son for years until we got wise. It might be worth showing them my posts, both recent and my former name AS67, I have to tell you that its not pretty my sons behaviour was vile, but it would give them an idea of what can happen if cg is left unchecked for years. Im not saying your husband will get to the point my son is at but compulsive gambling is progressive and you should never under estimate the lengths they will go to gamble.

A cg is an excellent manipulator and will lie to your face, they will convince you black is white and will blame you for everything and and anything theyre not happy about. The only person who can help a cg is themselves, nothing you say or do will make any difference. I wish I could tell you different but your husband is in denial and you have to think of yourself and protect yourself financially but most importantly emotionally from his destructive behaviour and get yourself as much support as possible.Id call Gamcare first, great support and can offer you counselling, its free and I found it huge help, theres also GA which im told his great, I wish I could of gone but couldnt as it was too far away but wish I had been able to.

I know how much you love him, I still love my son as much as ever he's my youngest and still hurts as much as ever but hes also a compulsive gambler like your husband and we have to use our heads and not our hearts with this.

Take care

Hi

I should add that from a parents point of view tough love is the only thing that can be of any help, it hurts like hell and you doubt yourself countless times. The kindest thing we can do for them is leave them alone to sort this for themselves.

X

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and your words of wisdom, it means so much me at the moment as I have said before I feel very alone in this.

I have decided after thought to cut off the money I am spending on food for him and I know it's going to be tough but it has to be done. He has to start making choices food or gambling.

I know I really shouldn't be geting involved, but should I go and speak to his boss? The reason I ask is he works in a bank and I'm concerned that after I cut of the food to him he would go to more drastic means to find the money ie steal it.

Hi, I'm struggling to know what to do about my Son's gambling problem. What makes it worse is that my Husband thinks I am failing my Son and should be able to help more (I have worked in mental health for most of my life and have counselled and supported many people through this and other addictions). As if I'm not feeling bad enough and saying the same to myself!! The difference is that those people have sought my help and have been open to change, my Son is shut off from me and anyone else who trys to help him; he refused to speak to someone who phoned him following my request for help from the GP. This was following a crisis last week when my Son had been gambling during the night, came downstairs in a rage, banging and crashing around the house, damaging doors and walls in his wake, threatening suicide and having self harmed by giving himself black eyes and cuts to his arms. He stormed out at one point saying he wanted to die and was going to drive his car into the river. On his return he took to his bed and refused to look at me or talk with me. I understand (because he has said) that he experiences feelings of guilt, anger and self loathing following these bouts of gambling and physically and psychologically 'beats himself up'. He has been treated for depression recently but has stopped taking his medication; his GP is aware of that and has encouraged him to access therapy. I am feeling distraught, anxious and useless. He is usually such a lovely young man; he is clever, popular, talanted and could have so much going for him. I fear for his future. He is 25 now and has been gambling on and off since he was at university. I thought his gambling was linked to disappointment or low funds, but this last incident happened following a good period work wise and he had plenty of money in his account (which has now all gone). My problem is how should I handle it? I would never pay off any debts he has run up, but he works freelance and needs money to get to jobs or he won't have funds to pay his debts. I have given him information about Gamcare, Samaritans and blocking software and hope that he will take action. I have hand written a letter to him letting him know how much he is loved etc. I have given him some 'cost benefit analysis' forms to complete to help him see for himself the benefits and disadvatages of giving up gambling or continuing to gamble. I'm hoping that he will see that the disadvantages far outway any advatages.

Any further advice or practical tips to help him and me would be welcomed and appreciated. Thanks.

Hi Lorraine

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler, my son is almost 21.

My sons behaviour is exactly the same as your sons and I know just how you're feeling, distraught is the perfect description.

Firstly this is absolutely not your fault, nothing you have said or done has made your son gamble and behave the way he does. He makes his own choices, no matter how bad they are they're his and you can not make him stop gambling. It doesn't matter how much experience you have as a counsellor, this is your own child so the ability to see this with out emotion is impossible.

Theres practical things you can do for a cg who wants recovery, taking control of finances, blocking software, counselling, GA and many more ways to help however thats for a cg who wants to stop gambling. I really wish I didnt have to say this but your son is in denial and you cant help him, nothing you say or do will make any difference if he doesnt want to stop.

My son with out gambling is sweet and kind very intelligent, a really lovely young man however hes a cg and very much in denial and behaves just the same as your son. I know how scared you are my son used to punch himself repeatedly, punch walls and doors and threatened worse, Ive feared for his safety many times.

The day I finally accepted I cant help my son is a day I'll never forget, it was an all time low but at the same time accepting this was necessary for him and me. We have to leave them alone, as painful as it is for them and us, they have to feel the consequences of what their addiction is doing , the saying rock bottom is very true with this. Its hell for us to have to sit back and let them do this on their own, but if we swope in and save them from the consequences it just prolongs the agony. You said he needs money to pay his debts, but again its his choice if he spends his money gambling rather than have money to get to work. If you help him at times like this the cycle of gambling goes on and on, and he'll come to expect that mum will help and take it from me it makes a bad situation a lot worse. My son has a lot of debt, we tried helping several times, paid off some but he just went out and got more, and Id bet your son would do the same.

I really wish I could give you an answer, the same answer I used to look for but the only thing Ive found after doing this for years is to do absolutely nothing, leave him to sort this himself. Im sure I come across as harsh, Im not in the least, I havent seen my son for months and Im still scared witless but I know I have to let him sort this out for himself, god knows if i could of fixed it, Id of done it years ago.

Forget about being the counsellor here and see yourself as a mum, who needs lots of support and its vital you get it. Call Gamcare, excellent support and can offer you conselling, take it even though you're probably thinking you know it all anyway its different being on the receiving end, it would be a good idea for your husband too. GA is great support too, Ive never been couldnt go it was too far away but Im told its great help.

Your son knows how much he is loved, he knows he has your support , tell him as many times as you want but the kindest thing you can do for him is leave him to work this out for himself. Its called tough love for a reason

Take care

Hi Lorraine

I'm the mom of a 27 yo CG. My son started at 18 years old and was addicted very quickly. Please don't feel that because of your profession you should be able to handle this . When it's our child it's a totally different story than dealing with someone you have no connection to.

I'm sure his gambling was originally triggered by disappointment but as he kept returning it became an addiction. It is incredibly strong and quite honestly makes no sense to those watching. My son has self-harmed, threatened suicide, been off-the-wall out of control raging, stolen from us and our business and probably lots of other things that I don't want to know.

Recovery is a process for both him and yourself. The best advice I can give is start setting boundaries for yourself and your home. Try not to give ultimatums unless you are sure you can carry them out. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions which means having to let him fall. All this is so hard to do and it doesn't happen overnight. Just keep trying to do the next right thing... one step/one day at a time.

As Phoenix says get as much support as you possibly can both with Gamcare and face to face with a Gam Anon group. After 9 years of experience what I would suggest is to save yourself,educate yourself and be kind to yourself.

Take Care

Cathyx

Hi Phoenix and Cathy,

Thank you both so much for your responses and wise words.

I have taken on board advice from both of you:

Phoenix67, I will stop giving my Son funds to get to his jobs, although I think it would be fair to let him know that this will start once he has been paid from his latest job and has the opportunity to fund himself.

Cathy, I will set boundaries around his behaviour at home.

You both sound as if you've been to hell and back, and no, Phoenix67, you don't sound harsh at all. I know tough love is the answer, it's just hard to get to the point of applying it. I really admire the strength you both have shown in dealing with your Sons' addiction; it has given me hope and courage to follow your examples. Reading your posts, and some of the others on this site, is both reassuring and depressing at the same time, if that makes sense.

Thanks again for your responses. I do feel a lot better knowing that there are others out there who can offer advice and support. And I will take your advice about getting help for myself.

All the best

Lorraine x