Just before Christmas my husband lost his job, we have two small children (2 and 5) so the timing was pretty awful. He told me there had been some mix up over some free samples he had handed out to customers, and as a result had been dismissed immediately and also interviewed by the police, but that was apparently just for the company insurance.
To cut a long story short I found my husbands PayPal statement a couple of nights ago (some 8 weeks after he lost his job), which lists 100’s of eBay transactions totalling £16,000 in just 3 months.
I confronted him, and whilst he initially denied that the transactions were his, he eventually broke down and told me that he had stolen goods from his work, sold them and had gambled the money on online slots. In addition to this, he has taken out pay day loans, credits cards, and overdrafts, all of which he has defaulted on.
I just can’t get over the lies and how deceitful he has been. He went to our local library and forged a letter from his company about his dismissal and posted it to our house so I wouldn’t question things. He created an email address in his bosses name and would send fake emails questioning his dismissal. It turns out that he is waiting to hear from the police in regards to what the next steps are, he could go to court and I presume he could face a prison sentence in regards to the stealing.
I feel so stupid and hurt, how could he have risked our livelihood like this. I just feel I don’t know the man I married or that we will ever get through this, or if I even want to, I am so frightened he will do this again.
His debt amounts to more than our savings will cover, and if he is spent to prison we will loose our home. Will we ever get over this? Will he change...I guess only time will tell.
God bless you dear. Please reach out for some face to face help , okay. You can also call a gambler's hotline number. Google the number. They will help family member also, I am sure. I sincerely think that talking to someone over the phone or in person , soon, is the way to go. Please breath and take care. This can be alright with time. It'll take time. tara
Hi Mrs helpless! o*g what a shock you must be in complete despair. Get help. Call stepchange. Don't use your savings that is for you and the children. Talk to gamcare they should offer you both counselling. Your husband should find a GA meeting asap. If he shows he's seeking help it will help him when he gets to court. He needs to go every week, for the foreseeable future. His best way forward is complete honesty with everyone. You can find a gamanon meeting and get some support. Get credit reports from all agencies Experian, clearscore, noddle, mse. He should be addressing all these things it's his debt, he needs to take responsibility. Safeguard your finances. You need support too so don't keep secrets, talk to someone.
You're not stupid. You've just made the mistake all of us here have which is trusting someone who should have had your best interests at heart. Now you know though, you have to be the one putting your interests first. Protect the finances, get credit reports (all three agencies) in both your names to see if there's any undisclosed debt or hidden bank accounts and look for support for you wherever you can. Don't use savings to repay his debt. You need them. It's his problem. He deals with it.
You don't have to rush into making any decisions about the future if you don't want to but make sure you put you and the children first.
Thank you to everyone for your advice. It’s all come as such a shock, I feel like i’m living an episode of Eastenders.
Whilst I understand I shouldn’t pay off his debts, It’s so hard to say that he can’t use our savings, he’s been lucky enough to get another job (so unbelievably lucky as they didn’t request a reference from the employer he stole from) and we need his wage to pay our bills and mortgage, I’ve literally had to budget to the penny. We are married, and have a joint account, so essentially we share everything. I know my priority is my children, but I know if I don’t clear his debt or at least attempt to sort it, he’s just going to burry his head in the sand and do nothing.
I obtained an Experian credit report yesterday and his credit rating is 0 (I didn’t even know this was possible). He’s defaulted on every loan and credit card. It’s all such a mess, and I’m at a loss as to what to do for my family as a whole.
He’s awaiting an appointment in regards to some counselling, and whilst he’s admitted he has a problem and needs help, I’ve had to do all the leg work...which I’ve found very frustrating.
I just want the best for my family, I want my children to be ok and grow up in a secure and happy home, so surely the only option is to pay it off?
No it isn't. We've all made that mistake, we want them to realise what they've done. Clearing up his mess allows him to avoid responsibility. He will be free to start again. He needs to acknowledge the problem, seek help for himself and deal with his own debt. Living comes first, his debt last. Hang on to your savings. Stepchange is where he should go for help. If there is no consequence to his behaviour he will continue. If you give him the money to pay everything off and he goes back to it what will you do? Paying off debt slowly is a good reminder as to what they've done. As far as I'm concerned if s credit card company can allow all those transactions they can wait for their money. He should be negotiating either with them or stepchange. I have done the same, instinct is to get rid of debt. He just continued. This is a tough addiction to beat but if you constantly help him he will never learn.
By all means pay it off but it comes with a warning: what about next time? And the time after that? Ad infinitum? It’s your choice to pay it off as many times as you can afford to. However, f&f always find that as the debt gets a whole lot worse each time, there’s actually a limit to how many times they can afford to bail the gambler out. By that stage, everything’s gone, they’re maxed out as well (emotionally and financially) and all concerned have been well and truly dragged down. The kids don’t get a say in the matter. Your family’s experience would be exactly the same as everyone else’s because addiction operates in the same way and unchecked, it’s progressive for everyone. Addicts like to think that they’re different from all the other addicts, a fantasy known as terminal uniqueness. Don’t be drawn into it.
Paying it off and wanting the best for your family are two separate propositions. It’s one or the other.
Move your focus to you and what’s best for you. As a priority, withdraw the savings (before they’re gambled away, afterwards is too late) and open a savings account and a current account in your name. The savings are family money, they’re not for part paying gambling debts. And the equity in your house is family money, it’s not for gambling or gambling debts. You’re a family unit and your non financial contribution counts as much as his financial contributions. All of this comes under the category or protecting yourself. It’s not about how he may feel over the necessity of these measures, it’s about your safety.
The other advice is to start regular meetings as soon as possible, traveling as far as you need to to look after you.
CW
Paying it off isn't recommended. It gives the gambler a clean slate to carry right on. Mr L was fully bailed out by me and my parents and ran up the same amount all over again within a very short space of time.
Burying his head in the sand isn't an option for your husband. He needs to get advice from a debt charity. Mr L used Payplan who were very helpful. Others here have had help from Stepchange. If he can get the debts entered into a DMP they will negotiate with the lenders to accept affordable repayments and hopefully get interest and charges frozen. Having a DMP won't stop default notices though. Him having defaults and a trashed credit rating can actually work to your advantage. It should help stop him running up further debt but you will need to monitor the reports regularly anyway. Some offer email alerts (for a fee) which notify any changes in between the monthly updates.
What else is he doing to show you he wants to stop? Self exclusion? Not carrying cash or cards? Looking for GA meetings? Action speaks louder than words and wallowing in self pity (standard behaviour when they're found out) and making vague noises about wanting help isn't enough.
One other comment: you are who you think you are. No lack of sympathy about your present nightmare but by calling yourself “Mrs Helpless”, you’re telling yourself that you can’t determine your own outcome. Not so. You can’t determine his outcome but that’s not the same thing.
Like the rest of us, you are powerless over the gambling problem in your family. That means that you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. But you can make your own choices and take ownership of them. Powerlessness over the gambling doesn’t equate to helplessness. It just means that someone else’s addiction isn’t yours to fix.
To quote AlAnon, if you don’t want to be a doormat, get off the floor.
CW
Cynical wife wrote:
One other comment: you are who you think you are. No lack of sympathy about your present nightmare but by calling yourself “Mrs Helpless”, you’re telling yourself that you can’t determine your own outcome. Not so. You can’t determine his outcome but that’s not the same thing.
Like the rest of us, you are powerless over the gambling problem in your family. That means that you didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. But you can make your own choices and take ownership of them. Powerlessness over the gambling doesn’t equate to helplessness. It just means that someone else’s addiction isn’t yours to fix.
To quote AlAnon, if you don’t want to be a doormat, get off the floor.
CW
This is just what I needed to hear! Some honesty in regards to my position in this situation. CW you are absolutely right, I am not helpless, this situation is a shock and at the moment feels like a living nightmare but I am certainly not helpless and will not allow this situation to make me as such.
I do however feel very foolish that I had absolutely no idea this was going on, and still can’t quite believe how calculated my husband has been. I’m actually a little shocked he’s pulled it off for so long...but guess it was only a matter of time.
He isn’t doing enough to help himself right now, and that isn’t good enough. Now that it’s out in the open, from his perspective it’s a huge relief and as if everything is now ok, and it’s far from it. Fore now need to take control of what I can to secure mine and my children’s livelihood, and try to support him through whatever help he finds...although right now I feel I am going to struggle to do this until I get over my anger.
From your experiences if he does get some counselling, or goes to meetings, will it help? Is it effective?
Thank you again for all your advice, I never imagined we’d be going through this, I have no idea what I am dealing with or facing in the future.
Yes, well, I haven’t yet encountered anyone who didn’t feel foolish when the truth was revealed ...l was well and truly taken for a mug.
But gamblers are master manipulators and liars and if you’re told a message often enough, you start to believe it and lose faith in your own judgement. Your recovery is about learning to trust yourself, to value yourself, to know who you are and what you stand for. From that perspective, it’s harder to take negative messages on board or to be fooled. Make your way forward wholly about you, not him. He may seek recovery and do what it takes to overcome the addiction. Or he may not. Don’t wait to see what he does and assess and evaluate him. Instead, focus on what you need to be doing. GamAnon and CoDA meetings will help you learn how to make your life about you first.
CW
Yes meetings help. I couldn't have got through. Listen to CW she is the best at explaining. Yes we've all got that 'how could I be so stupid ' feeling. But they did everything they could to hide it. It's not our fault. But it's time to be selfish!
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