My wife experienced a number of very close bereavements in quick succcesion. She carried on with life, bringing up 3 children, supporting me in a demanding job, whilst doing her own job. i was and am an active Dad though. She did a remarkable job of just carrying on.
last year i discovered that she had mishandled family finances, i had trusted her with money, she had always seemed ok with this. She made a mess of our finances, and got into gambling, to make good her losses. The money lost to online slots is eyewatering. Things came to a head last year, when what she had been doing, often with other's money, came to light.
She promised me she had stopped, and she promised me that the extent of her gambling had been revealed. however, i have subsequently come across debts she has run up, that she hadnt told me about. I am not sure she has gambled again, but have found out on several occasions that there are debts she hasnt told me about. she has never admitted anything to me unless she has had to. She has just let them grow, and not said anything. She tells me she is ashamed
I have had to bail her out, and I have begun to amnage all household finances. She owes people money, and she is reluctant to discuss this with me. She has always been a 'closed' book and this is now a massive problem.
I am loathed to walk out on my kids who are both in high school, but i dont feel i can trust her, and i dont know what is out there.
would i be wrong to go?
I was talking to my partner the other day about how I enjoy trying to help other partners as well as those with a compulsive gambling addiction. This post and circumstance are some what roles reversed for me. I am a recovering compulsive gambler and have had time to heal and repair my damage over the years with relapses like your partner has had. Clearing house of all debts and what you have done is best and takes the weight off your shoulders. clearly you’re partner has struggled to do this just like I did and it bites you back sadly.
even tho I had my debts my partner had her debts too and put her head in the sand in resolving this. With slow prompts over time I got her to deal with them and pay them back. I recently helped pay some of it off to get rid of her cards that were charging interest. My point being here is maybe you’re partner is the same but with a compulsive gambling addiction on top which makes it worse imo.
I have been luckily that no one ever truly bailed me out for the gambling binges I had over the years. It’s probably the worst thing you could do as you don’t learn you’re lesson or face the financial reality that you have caused.
I would plead not to walk out on your partner for being closed up about this problem and financial mess but she has to want recovery and want help if she wants to get better. Going to a physical GA meeting would be a idea but it’s hard to make that step and she’s got to do it herself with some support from family.
it’s never easy and relapses happen but it’s how they deal with the problem and work on recovery that counts and I hope your partner fights for it because it’s really worth it in the end.
the forum admin and others should comment with resources that are also helpful.
dave101
Dear WillF
Thank you for posting on the forum, hopefully you will find it a supportive place. It is confusing, frustrating and upsetting when a loved one is gambling and we are here to offer support. Our helpline is available 24/7 and I would encourage you to reach out and seek advice on the options and support available. Please do not be alone with this.
Take Care
Rachel
Forum Admin
@dave101 Thanks for your response Dave, I am pretty adrift at the moment, and this is really helpful. I had to bail my wife out due to the nature of money which had gone, we also have managed to keep a lid on matters for he sake of the kids. i am begining to think that she hasn't faced the consequences of what she has done. when she and i talk, I end up apologising for the way i may have been over the years ( i am not perfect, but i am not a bad husband), whilst the apologies from her are few and far between. i know though that she is crushed by what she did. She owes money to family members who could be very difficult, but she is embroiled in past slights and resentments and can't address the situation. i really feel the need to consider going, but i know she willl probably fold and the conseuqences to the children will be signifcant.
It's a tough choice to make and that's yours alone to do with your partner. It must be hard with having the kids too.
I can't make any comments relationship wise other than what I did to my partner and that was make her face the reality slowly by keep bringing it up every so often which made her speak to her mum and arrange a new payment plan for her debts and she's done so well now because it's sorted and slowly going away.
It's a bit more difficult bringing up gambling but showing her alternatives and help might make her click on to seeking it. It's a struggle but if she hides away from it she needs to face it head on to move on. Annoyingly as previously mentioned she's got to do it for her self to help her self which is bloody hard. But small steps is best and I wouldn't want to see it fold and collapse on her but sometimes that's what happens with what ever you do.
Hope this kind of helps @zteblfpxhv
Dave101
Many thanks again Dave, all advice is gratefully received.
Many thanks again Dave, all advice is gratefully received.
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