Hi All,
I'm new to here, I have reached the point where I no longer know what to do and thought talking to people in simular positions might help..
I've been with my bf about a year now, a few months into our relationship he told me he was a gambling addict but wanted to quit and get on with this life and gave me the option of walking away before things got too serious. I stuck with him and said I would support and help him in anyway I could. We tried GA but he didn't like the whole standing up in front of a group thing and I couldn't really blame him, I wouldn't have liked that either. He then tried to fight it himself and would go a month or so without then turn back too it but always told me when he had done it. I then managed to get him to call Gamcare for help and he started counciling, the first session he hated and didn't want to go back but as the day's went on after the session, he admit it had got him thinking so went for his second session.. Now I'm not pointing fingers but it was a 50 min session, nearly 2 hours later he came out and said the counciler had spent most of the session talking about her personal life and had made suggestive comments by mentioning she'd had relationships with her clients in the past. This put him off and he never went back again.
He ended up leaving his job because he was working, gambling his wage and even ended up doing it at his desk. He has managed to go a month or two without but always slips back into it. I've read a lot where people have lied about it but I have to admit, he does tell me straight away every time he does it. The thing is, when he does it he feels so bad and out of control that he seems to flip into a completely different person, he will say his moving away or joining the army or looking for jobs up north etc and I'm left feeling lonely and like his going to take off without me any moment but I can't talk about this to him because he say's his got too much to thinking about with fighting the gambling.
Maybe I'm being selfish, I want to help and support him but his mood swings and distancing himself makes me feel like utter c**P. It seems to normally last a few days then he calms down and comes back around and will be back to his normal self again but this time (since last week), he as been extremely distant, barely talking to me and I feel like I've lost him to this shell of a body. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, I've been keeping myself busy by going out here and there but then I feel bad for leaving him when his feeling so much pain and all I really want to be doing, is spending time with him.
Guess I wanted to know if this is normal for gamblers, to go through these emotions and make their partners feel this way?
Any advise would be greatly appriciated 🙂
It's all too easy for this all to be about him and his needs. What's in it for you?
Echo HL about the excuses, if you read round the forum there are all sorts of reasons put forward very insistently for not attending GA, not sticking with counselling, not telling friends and family, not having finances monitored, not ditching internet mobiles, not using the blocking software. But these are the measures that make the difference and all or most of them tend to be present where there's sustained recovery. Loopholes tend to be used and made bigger.
For you, it's about what you're prepared to put up with and about what you expect from a life partner, about whether he meets your needs. You get no prizes for short changing yourself.
Focus on you.
CW
I've just got out of the cycle you are describing, it's been very painful and I'm now trying to piece myself together. Like you my partner use to tell me when he had spent all his wages by text not even to my face. I would wake up (more than once) to a very long text message saying how sorry he is that he had spent all his/my money gambling during the night. I've tried everything even giving him his wish to have a family as I thought stupidly we could get through it all together. But I then found out he had a drinking/drug/s*x addiction also and he was chasing a buzz if one of the things mentioned did him give him the buzz he required he would move on to the next. I've been left heartbroken I've lost the man I loved and destroyed as I've had to have an abortion I couldn't emotionally cope with all the lies and stress and had a nervous breakdown I'm trying to get myself back, I get dressed every morning but I'm yet to smile or have an apitite. I know I will one day. What I'm trying to say is please remember your important as I have forgotten about myself and I'm realising giving you advice that we deserve a life and to be happy also. It's broken my heart to not have him anymore our texts/chats/cuddles/talks of our life together. But I no longer have to walk on egg shells and feel guilty and worried about lies and deceit. I only have pity now for him and hope he can get help and get better but unfortunately that's not going to be at my life's expense. Speak to family and friends and your doctor as this has got me through the last few weeks without support you will never think of yourself.
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