I feel so betrayed

Hi PB111

I really sorry to read what you're going through. I've been there too. I'm very familiar with the feelings you describe and know how painful they are.

You don't need to do anything immediately. Take your time to digest it all and get support for you. Rant on here if you need to! I've found it really useful and still do. Try to take some time for you.

Hi, PB111,

Sorry to hear it. I also felt betrayed, the equivalent of him running off with the secretary but the lies take a different direction. And it's a lot more expensive. We are indeed taken for mugs but if he's finally admitted that he's gambling again, that's a start. Will he take measures to stop? Let you have financial control? Self exclude from the casinos? Return to GA?

Presumably you know from last time that you didn't make him gamble but you can't make him stop. Also, gambling is progressive, it gets worse so however horrible, don't ignore it in the hope it will go away.

For you, it's a question of coping, of adjusting so that your happiness and peace of mind are not determined by his addiction. There's also a lot of advice on the forum about protecting your financial interests. nb change passwords if required. If your home is in joint names, you'll be responsible for the mortgage too, take legal advice.

I wouldn't keep the secret for him, if those around him who need to know do know, it cuts out a source of funds. Also this is isolating enough for you, no need to make it worse by excluding family support.

I find that the two things vital for coping are support and information but both need to be fairly specialised from people who are familiar with addiction. In my case, non experts got it wrong first time round and made it worse. The GC helpline is a good starting point, I would recommend their counselling, also try GamAnon, even if you have to travel. There may be help available from the welfare services at your college/uni, it's common among students. But with the right support and information, you will be able make the decisions that you need to.

Look after yourself.

CW

Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate it.

Since posting I have found out (by myself not by a confession from him), that he has actually took out nearly £80,000 in loans to cover his gambling, and the six month period he confessed to actually amounts to years. It seems he never actually stopped, although it has become worse over the last 12 months. I am devastated.

I feel so angry and betrayed I feel physically sick. £80,000 man, that is a lot of money! He is on his way home and although I have agreed to talk (briefly), I have asked him to leave. I do not want him round me, I feel like he has killed the relationship we had.

I totally appreciate the addiction part but kind of feel like he is trying to normalise the situation by claiming he has an illness and needs help. It's all about how much he is hurting and needs support and my feelings of utter betrayal and hurt are insignificant. At this moment in time I am of the opinion that he can go off and get the help he needs to take control and I am having no part of it.

He attended a GA meeting in London last night and said he will everynight, but I also know he's a bit of a 'fad' man and gets bored very easily and very quickly. He has told his family, to what extent I do not know but I have alluded to the enormous extent of the situation.

He has offered to hand over control of everything, finances the works - but I kind of feel im cleaning up his mess and want no part of it. The way I am feeling right now I want to concentrate on getting myself back in control, financially independent. I feel like such a fool. I am so hurt that he encouraged me to give up a well paid and secure career, to become financially dependent on him when he knew he was gambling again.

In my heart I feel it is over. How could I ever believe a word that comes out of his mouth again. When the trust is gone theres little left but suspicion, resentment and bitterness and I do not want my life to become consumed with such feelings.

I do not wish to offend anyone with my honesty, but my feelings are raw and this is as honest as it gets.

Thank you for reading and thank you even more for your replies x

Thank you for your reply. I can see how hurt he is, especially that he has hurt me so much, but its too soon. I'm still reeling and the feelings so raw.

Good advice about the savings, im going to do that now. Ironically he hasnt touched our money, or took any loans out in our name (credit file checked). Other than the mortgage, we have no joint finances thankfully. But i'm going to transfer our savings now.

I can't help but worry about him but I need time to get my head around this. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond x

Hello, again,

Can I urge you to get specialist help and support for yourself? This is all huge for you. I'm a few months down the line but it's not something that we can come to terms with quickly or easily, nor should we. I go to GamAnon for me, because long term I don't want his gambling to ruin my life. GC offer counselling, or subject to waiting times there's the National Gambling Clinic.

Put yourself first, take care,

CW

Hi PB111 , I am new to the forums and infact new to reaching out for support. I have been reading your comments above and I am in the same situation as yourself so can relate to how you feel. I found out two weeks ago my partner has been gambling again , I feel so hurt and am gutted it has happened again. It's so hard when you love someone and want to help them and you find out they have gambled again. I can't help ask myself should I walk away and will this keep happening all my life if I try support him through this.

Thank you for your reply Jasminee

I dont know about you but as each day passes the reality of it hits me harder. I am absolutely devastated.

I contacted the gam.anon helpline and they are arranging a counsellor to call me back. I dont know if it will help but I am going crazy. I feel dizzy as my mind is constantly racing with worry. They offered a friends and family group meeting but I dont feel comfortable attending. I hate what he has done and for putting me in this situation. Have you sought any help?

He wants to meet to show me his plan and talk but I cant even look at him. I have read posts regarding peoples relasps and dont think I can live a life of gambling.

Thanks again and take care xx

Hi there I'm sorry your going through such a nightmare. No wonder you are devastated learning he never really stopped and to the extent of 80,000. This is truly an evil addiction that ruins peoples/families lives, it can and does happen to anyone. I have just read the most powerful and upsetting post from a new member please have a read from 'stole happiness' - On a positive note having read a lot of threads on here this addiction can be overcome with a lot of hard work, support and determination, wether you feel you can go through this journey with your husband again after he said it had stopped is only something you can decide. I hope you have someone that you can talk to to give you support and a shoulder to cry on, take care - wcid xx

Hello,

You don't need to do anything that you don't want to, including meeting him or making life decisions. Tell him you need time and to leave you be for the moment. Gamblers are v selfish but this isn't all about him, your thoughts and feelings count, tell him so. If he goes to GA or counselling himself, he will be given the same message.

re group meetings, the point is that everyone in the room is in the same position and therefore understands. No one will make you speak about your experience unless you want to and you may learn coping strategies from the literature from GamAnon or from what other f&f say.

BW,

CW

Thak you both for replying. I read that post earlier and agree it is really powerful. So much of it is similar to my husband. He was still able to provide a wonderful life for us, and I believe he is masking the seriousness of what he has done because of that. It also resonates how exceptionally difficult it is to brake the addiction. Thank you all once again for the comments. Im going to take some time to come to terms with what has happened. xx