I have had enough

Hi Sarah 

you need to seek advice. That may be a solicitor, stepchange, national debt agency. Initially try and find free advice, if that doesn’t help then paying for a solicitor can save you money long term.

the thing I’ve learned is you can’t tell someone what to do, especially an addict. They rebel, become secretive, lie.

why is his behaviour affecting you? You have to express this to him. Boundaries are very important.

my personal experience, my husband didn’t stop until he admitted it was a problem. He gave up all access to money. We did go to meetings, Gamanon and GA. 
I did all those things you talk of, bailed him out, made sure bills were paid, kept secrets etc. 

eventually I realised covering for him was not helping. I filed for divorce and severed myself financially. Yes it cost me but it was worth it. 
we are still married but no one can take my share if he’s starts again. I know that I don’t have to pay his debts. 
it’s a tough road and you need help and support. Don’t isolate yourself.

you know he’s drinking and gambling. There’s no need to ask him. 
Put yourself first, don’t worry about him. Make sure he can’t access your money. Check credit scores. Don’t pay his share. Don’t pay his debt.

Thank you for your good advice and kind words . I was feeling like people would judge me badly as a horrible person while feeling broken . Didn't even consider I could be accountable for his debts so I will get a solicitor 

Thank you again

Thank you for your good advice and kind words . I was feeling like people would judge me badly as a horrible person while feeling broken . Didn't even consider I could be accountable for his debts so I will get a solicitor 

Thank you again

Hi babe

i feel for you. 

i have just kicked mine out after 8 years so Im not as far in as you but his problem is gambling.  Along with cannabis here and there. I had to literally force him out he threw himself on me and onto the floor and I just didnt give in till i got him to the front door and he knew he had to go. I took his keys off the keyring beforehand and he didnt know until he was outside. Then he ran to the neighbour putting on a major acting display saying I had hit him!!!! He is six foot 1 and an ex boxer who weight 14 stone. I am 8 stone & I am bruised from trying to get him out my door. I didnt want to involve the police but Ive just had enough!! So i thought if i dont do it who will. I dont have an older brother or dad thats capable of forcing him out so I did it myself. The tenancy is in my name and he CONTRIBUTES nothing unless I badger and badger him and threaten to throw him out. Then when he gives me the money he is angry and cold towards me as if I have asked for gold!!!! I am SO done I have done allllll the avenues of recovery with him and he will not change so I just kicked him out. Pack his stuff take it to his family or friends or put it in his boot and if he comes kicking off/harrassing u then contact the police

unfortunately Sarah you have hit the nail on the head gambling addicts love to look for someone or anything no matter how remote to blame be it promotions online or a poster in a bookies window or someone talking about a big win (usually and most often another gambling addict ) in no.say shape of form is any of this your fault  you are the victim not them .they made the choice to gamble steal and lie in a.narcissistical way they are mostly feeling sorry for themselves not for the wreckage they have caused but by being caught

@merry-go-round thank you for sharing. Drawing the line is strong, I am learning to do this. My on-and-off ex (over 8 years with no intimacy as soon as I moved in with him) somehow gets me sat in a corner alone and so anxious I can't work, or think. I am in a FOG all the time. When I stop contacting him my life starts. Just a few visits with him and I feel I am drowning. I haven't worked due to the sadness and anxiety of never knowing what is happening. He acts single on a whim and does what he wants: horses, boxing, sport. He is a serious horse gambler often with over 25 betting tabs open when I glance. But, he shows me his EXCEL bets saying he starts with £200 for the year and no more. But his finances are a mess and secretive, full of surprises with no joint planning. He diminishes my input by stating we 'were not together' -- which is true because I managed to not contact him. At the moment he pays the rent on a joint tenancy, NOWTV, and did pay my Car Tax until my car died. He gave me a lump sum of money 2 years ago that I have managed to save two-thirds of. He shifted me onto an allowance when a lovely coach at Universal Credit was helping me start to get working. He says he wants me to work and then blames me for the bad finances and having no money. He wanted to 'buy me a house'. Today he tried to prove his credit score with just the number. He uses 0% credit cards to snowball credit. I have no idea how much there is. He was keen to put me on joint account and his John Lewis. I have a very good credit rating 999. He took over my Car Insurance and NOWTV and was very 'helpful' and doing it for my benefit. I can see that also improved his rating. Can I unlink from him if I am getting an allowance from him and have a joint rental tenancy? I stopped the cards and I am not associated with those?