sorry this is a long one!!!
Hi everyone, I’m new here.
Feeling a bit lost and confused. I’m the wife of a gambler, he’s gambled for over 15 years but it was only brought to my attention that it was an issue, around 12 months ago.
In that time, I have found searches for how to take his own life on his laptop and had to call the police for fear of him doing so on another occasion.
When he first told me it was an issue, he managed to go around 180 days without gambling before he relapsed.y instinct told me he had and he admitted it straight away when I confronted him. At that point he self excluded everywhere - I watched him, he used the gamcare app self excluded for 5 years.
Very recently I found out he was gambling again and demanded to see his phone. Turns out he was using his friends accounts (said friend knows what has happened and had known for a lot longer than I have that husband has an addiction), this friend also has a gambling addiction and his wife has told him if he is caught again she will leave him (he still gambles but she doesn’t know, my husband bailed him out not long ago which then led to him getting a payday loan for a trip we were going on).
Gave Husband ultimatum that I would be leaving with our 4 year old if it happens again so he has decided to go to GA. I just don’t know how I feel anymore, I don’t know if I have the strength to support him through it all, it is all still so fresh to me and I’m not sure I can trust him to continue without GA. I also feel angry at his friend for enabling him and I don’t think this friendship is good for either of them (they have been friends for well over 20 years), I don’t trust the friendship anymore, I want to tell this friends wife what I found but then I would responsible for the break up of their marriage (no children) but I feel like I want to read him the riot act at least. I know he can’t control what my husband does bbut he can control what he does and if my daughter was to lose her daddy then he would have blood on his hands as far as I’m concernced.
I am so angry at my husband, he doesn’t care how this has affected me, he hasn’t apologised, it’s all about him, he has never once asked how I am after what he has put me through this year and at times as even blamed me for his circumstances. I’m sorry this is so long, I feel like I’m just spilling my guts out, don’t even know what I want from this. Has anyone come out of the other side and their relationship is now stable and happy, trust has been rebuilt and no relapses?
Hi Whatnextnow
Im truly sorry for the anger and pain youre going through and being a gambler myself i can relate to your husbands relapse lies and deceit.Im in my 60s and been married to my wife for 14 years. Unlike your husband i only tried i mean really tried once to stop though my wife thought otherwise on the back of lies that i was no longer gambling. I was mainly gambling online and mostly using the gambling exchanges and i would get myself excluded for 6 months at a time but would simply open new accounts with the leading bookmakers. Another day another account another chance to win it all back.Just like you my Mrs wised up started looking on my phone search history on laptop bank statements etc etc.
The only time i ever owned up was when i was cornered like when a direct debit was due out of my bank the day after pay day and i didnt have enough in my account to cover it. I gambled morning noon and night and i lied and lied and lied some more.
Ive lost count of the times i had to come clean or my wife looked at bank statements and seen numerous £50 -£100 deposits in one day to bookmakers and exchange sites.
I became so sly solitary and secretive that most of my real friends deserted me years ago.But just like your husband i had so called friends who would ask me for money to hide losses from their wives and vice versa especially on days when one of us had been thrashed and the other had won.
There was never a time i didnt care each time i broke my wifes heart when it became apparent i was back at gambling or never really stopped in the first place.This might sound like an old cliche but when she looks at me now her eyes dont sparkle and i see a beaten broken woman that once adored me and these are images that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Im not an old hand on here only 83 days GF so quite a newby but ill tell you whats different now. IM SICK AND TIRED of stress lies and a trailing wake of colateral damage trampling on so many innocent victims in my wake. Im tired of being ashamed and embarassed knowing what ive done and destroying loved ones and my TRUE FRIENDS.
The friends i was left with were not genuine friends and your husbands friend sounds typical of the friends i was left with. The ones who would assist and colaberate with me to decieve the ones we love. The friend following a rare win would send me a text saying Get £50 on Man U to win 2-1 today.
I mean it this time ive had enough and its no good telling you about exclusion hes done it ( or so he says ) but this is the harsh reality to stop you MUST hit rock bottom and come clean tell your wife exactly how bad it is and be so sick of abusing and lying to the people that REALLY matter that you just cant do it anymore.I think its time for the final countdown for you and your man and if he still cant come clean and REALLY try to stop its the end of the road unless youre prepared for a long arduous and painful journey.. Golden rule with living with a CG nothing is quite what it seems. Good luck to both of yous and i hope he can conquer this wretched addiction thats plagued me and him for years.
Kind Regards
Alwalm
Hi the key to living with a cg is don't believe a word until you see change or proof. GA is the best place and if there is a gamanon room you could go too. I don't trust my husband with money but neither does he. He has cash for a coffee, or fares, he gives receipt. He knows nothing about finances, he doesn't look at the bank accounts, no cards no password. But if he chose to gamble he would find a way. He goes to GA. I go to gamanon. The one thing that people get very upset about is the lying. I am 100% honest, he is a compulsive liar when gambling. The important thing is you. Safeguard money, no bailouts, debts come last. If there is debt contact stepchange. Gambling is an emotional illness and most are not bad people. It's progressive and will get worse if he doesn't get help. My husband said he'd stopped, opened new bank account gambled loans. He's got to the stage as well where he is sick and tired of it. It definitely affected his mental health. You can have rules and limits to what you will put up with but ultimatums make them very secretive. Be open, talk about it, take over finances, if you want to. Get support for you if you're not coping.
Dear Whatnextnow,
The situation does sound difficult at the moment but I am glad that you are reaching out. Please do put in place boundaries to protect yourself and your daughter as much as possible. Your husbands friendship with his friend who may also have problem gambling from your description does sound like it is part of the maintainance of the problem gambling. As others have kindly indicated on this thread there is support out there for yourself. As well as the 'Friends & Family' secton of this Forum and Chatrooms (at 1pm and 8pm each day) for peer support there is Gam Anon face-to-face group meetings in your local area. If you would like any one-to-one advice including the possibility of one-to-one counselling for yourself please do call us on the Helpline at 0808 8020 133.
Best Wishes
Forum Admin
Hi
Sorry to see this.
Has your husband said or done anything at all to indicate he really wants to stop? CG's are adept at telling us what we want to hear but the plain truth is you can't trust a word they say around money without seeing independent proof all is as they claim. Going to GA because he thinks it gets him off the hook with you will do nothing for him.
Protect the finances and learn as much as you can about what you're up against. It's possible for a CG to arrest the addiction and live a completely normal life (albeit one where you are in permanent control of the finances) but they have to want it and keep on wanting it more than they want the next bet.
Hi Lethe,
Im a CG and thank god my mrs in charge of household finances.Youre absolutely right about us telling wives/partners what they want to hear. Ive reached rock bottom now but if i dont gamble once in the next 20years i wouldnt have it any other way i dont feel resentment my wife controls the purse strings for me its a god send.
Good luck to you both
Kind Regards
AL
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