I just found out my partner relapsed into gambling and used my identity — I feel heartbroken and lost

Hi  LBridgetC, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your difficult story. I will let others share their own with you, but I just wanted to encourage you to sign up to GamStop yourself, so that your partner cannot use your details to gamble. You can do so here: https://www.gamstop.co.uk/

You are more than welcome to contact us on the helpline to discuss support for yourself as well.

Kind regards, 

Forum Admin

Hi LBridgetC,

First of all I’m so sorry to read all of this. As a wife of a gambler I completely understand the pain and hurt you feel. It’s absolutely horrific in fact and I have been completely traumatised by the whole process and gambling world. 

My background story is that I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. All of my adult life. Two kids, a house, secure finances and he has a very successful career. I wouldn’t say life has been easy in terms of relationship because his behaviour has always been up and down but never in a million years did I think my life would turn out this way (back in Feb)

For me the lies started to unravel a couple years ago when I saw random bets on our joint account and large withdrawals. When I asked him about it he simply said ‘what has it got to do with me?’. Erratic transactions went from one account to another and I could see a pattern over time. Then he stopped his wages going into our account ‘to protect himself’. Feb came and everything changed for me. I opened two letters of his which were work bonuses. I sealed them up and waited for him to share the news. It never came. I was heartbroken. The lies and deceit is awful. To cut a long story short a few days later I told him I’d opened them and he blamed me for being abusive and coercive etc, tormenting him… attacking him. It was all my fault and I was fixated by money. 
I told him I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t see past the betrayal. And I still can’t. I’ve been a loyal wife for 12 years. And a good mother to his children and supported him with his career. Anyway, I finally asked him if he was gambling because our finances just didn’t add up. He wanted a quick divorce off the internet and refused mediation because ‘he didn’t want to give me the satisfaction’. He simply replied yes to the gambling when he knew there was nowhere else to hide. I was in so much shock and I still am. To the outside world we have everything but I feel empty inside. 
I reached out to Gamcare helpline and I would recommend you do that if you haven’t done so already. I have also had two telephone therapy sessions with Gamcare which have been amazing. 
I still feel the same about the separation. I don’t think anyone can fully recover and trust again after so much hurt. I’ve always worked on the basis of respect and equal partnership. Whilst I’ve done my bit my husband has hid a huge secret from me. 

I hope you find the strength to get through everything. You are not alone and how you are feeling is absolutely normal for what you are going through. 
Take care and make sure your put yourself and your own mental health first. Unless your partner is wanting to stop gambling, there is absolutely nothing you can do at this stage to help them. My husband was never going to tell me, that’s what makes it harder for me. If it wasn’t for the letters I wouldn’t know about his habit/ addiction. He isn’t communicating with me or telling me if he’s got help. He is now calling it a hobby. I beg to differ. He got into debt which ultimately affects the family. 
I know I won’t ever forgive him for what he’s done. 

Sending love and best wishes to you xx

Hi and hope this helps you to understand my point of view on this as a specialist on addictions

Your partner gambled before you met right?

Your partner certainly suffers from some kind of trauma from the past,unhappiness,bullying,something must of happened to him before he started having gambling issues.Not sure what it is only he knows and not sure if you're aware if he told you.

Unless your partner changes his environment as he's certainly not happy with himself then nothing will change he will carry on gambling as an escape to deal with his mental health,(it has nothing to do with you by the way so don't put yourself inside his problems)you haven't done nothing wrong.

I cannot advice you to leave him or to stay with him that's completely up to you,but if he's not willing to deal with his issues then nothing will get sorted and it'll only become worse within a time.Weeks,months,years until he completely surrender his life won't turn to better

Best of luck

Hi,
I’m Jake a peer supporter volunteer. I have personal experience of supporting some of my close friends with a GA. It sounds like a tricky situation being a bit in the dark at the moment. But its very positive that you are reaching for support. thank you very much for sharing this, after reading the previous replies it is clear that your experience resonates with many others in this forum.

From my experience of supporting loved ones going through a gambling addiction, the feelings of anger hopelessness and guilt is totally understandable. I often found one of the most difficult parts is a feeling at the mercy of events rather than controlling them. Would you say this is something that you feel?

I don’t know whether you are aware of it but, it might be worth having a look at the really good support that GamCare offer for affected others, as you continue to be proactive in getting support for your needs and emotions, when it often feels as if the gambler is front and centre.

Hope this helps

Take care,

Jake Peer Support Volunteer.