I need a break

Sending a big e-hug as I know you cant get to gam anon meetings and feel the support you would get there.

Your Gp might be able to get some counselling for you, not because there's anything wrong with you mentally but because of the enormous pressure you have been under for such a long time and the effect this is having physically. Talking therapies are very successful for people in our sort of positions. Worth an ask when you have your check next week? Gam care might be better at finding the right counsellors, but then you might need to travel, it wont hurt to ask.

Your husband must be so relieved to have this shift in priorities too.

You're right, arguing with an active gambler would be wasting your breath and your health.

Keep talking it through, here, counselling, with your husband, your other son, wherever you feel comfortable, talking works. Taking life one day at a time works.

So pleased that you are finding some peace.

Good for you as67! Looking after ourselves is key. He is no longer a boy and if he can no longer manage his life without your help he may decide to change some things! Just because we are doing what needs to be done doesn't mean we are not sad and angry still... wishing things could be different. I write a journal every morning where I just write everything ... good and bad. It seems to help stop the negative loop that goes around in my head and gives me more confidence.

What you are doing is helping not just yourself but also your son! He won't like it but honestly that is the addiction talking not him!

Stay strong and when you are doubting write on here. Its a 2 way street... you are not the only one getting support! It is still so helpful for myself!

Take care and have a day of peace and "normality"!!

Cathy

as67 wrote:

Hi guys, I only joined the forum a few days ago to tell you about my son and your support and advice has been invaluable. I have had what I call my light bulb moment I understand far more now and feel a little better and reassured that our tough love approach is the right one. After not hearing from our son for several days his girl friend has told me today that hes been kicked out of uni, - weve been expecting it for quite a while. Now that hes been kicked out he wont get any more loans and they owe £900 in rent, she asked if we would help them out and I said no then I got a text from son to say, " as usual you dont support me". Ive was so tempted to tell him what I think but stopped myself, Ive learned its futile trying to talk to him. A few months ago we told him to stay away we just couldnt take any more , but I got so upset when I found out he'd been sleeping in bus shelters after he was unable to get a bus back to his flat after finishing work so late, that we gave in and told him to come back home. When he came home I was so shocked by his looks, hed been looking rough for a while, but had gone even further down hill, I couldnt believe my once handsome son looked like he'd lived rough for a long time. We bought him new clothes and thought we'd try and help him again and for a few weeks I thought he was getting better. Not so he never stopped gambling and infact he'd got worse, and has continued to do so every week. On Sunday he begged us to give him money and we refused after hed asked several times he did what he always does and got nasty, and I got uspet again, it just goes round and round in circles. It just so happened that this morning I had a doctors appointment, I hadnt been feeling too well so went for a check up and turns out my already high blood pressure is a lot higher, doctor wanted to increase my mediction I refused because I know its higher than usual due to stress. I feel like I made a bit of a fool out of myself with the doctor he asked me if something was wrong and I just blurted it all out and cried all over him, he was really understanding so the deal is, I try to find ways to relax and lower it myself naturally or if its still the same next week its an increase in medication which i really dont want. My husband has since came home from work and after a lot of thought weve decided that our son has to stay away, no contact at all, for at least a few weeks, we need a break this cant continue. Its taken me a long time to get to this point but I do understand that theres nothing we can do for him, we cant fix it for him he has to want to get help and hes nowhere near ready yet. I see that to help him we have to stop trying so hard and leave him alone. I am going to worry about him I cant help that, but I can choose for the first time to put myself and husband first we need a break and get some quality of life back. Our lives have been on hold for so long that simple every day things seem to of slipped by we were just counsumed by his gambling and its effects so we plan on getting back into as normal a life as possible. Im sure weve made the right decision, and I actually feel a bit calmer for it, sort of relief I always thought this was going to happen if he continued the way he was going. If I hadnt came on here and got all this amazing support I dont think Id of found the courage to say enough is enough and for the first time in years but us first. Thank you

bettet that you find out about his addiction now and get it cure I started at 11 years old.

Hi as67

I am also new here and have reached the enough is enough stage with my husband who is the problem gambler. I cannot imagine how hard it would be if it was my son. Keep strong, you're doing the best you can, Good luck!

Thanks Pangolin, you and all the other good people here are whats given me some peace. There was such a bad feeling here not like a home, sort sad if you know what I mean, its been so miserable for so long I forgot that it used to be a happy home. My husband is happier he says I seem to be too, in the 30 years weve been together we barely had a crossed word until this, Im sure it will just keep getting better.Our older son is ok Ive mentioned counselling to him but hes says hes fine, hes not here most of the time so has missed the worst of it. He is coming home for a few months while he saves for his own home and Im so pleased hes coming back to a peaceful home, I was worried what he was coming back to but now Im really looking forward to him being home. Im taking yours and Amoms advice and getting on with my life and we are making some plans, things to look forward to, nothing extravagant but normal day to today things and first on the list is decorating the spare room for my son to come home to. Might sound a bit sad but Im looking forward to something as simple as fresh paint on the walls and new bedding, it really has stood still in here wouldnt of given it a thought a few days ago, it was like Ground Hog day we just seemd to stumble from day today with us all miserable and arguing. My gp did vaguely mention counselling but theres a long waiting list and he also said theres some great online help and mindlfullness is something to have a look at, I have and it looks good. I am going to do something wether thats counselling, relaxtion or both and I know you guys are always here, wish Id found you all a long time ago

Amom you are absolutely right hes not a child anymore, big hairy man to look at, I just had to stop thinking of him as my little lad, and I am now prepared to be as tough as I need to be. GemLou89 when my son was little he was seriously ill for a long time, we came very close to losing him, he was on life support for a while and I swear I watched every breath the machine took for him, just willing him to be ok. I thought very little could ever scare me again as much as that but this does, we had to make some decsions then for his benefit and some of them involved painful procedures, but he needed them to get well. This is no different for me now, hes ill and needs help and nothing else weve done works, he hates us at this moment but I can live with that and I'll use as much tough love as I need to if it gets him a step closer to getting well. One day Im sure he will understand.

Like amom says, it goes both ways, we all help each other, starting a conversation like this helps so many people, whether they post too or just read, so thankyou to you.

Love a bit of decorating, unless it involves patterned wallpaper, we cant do that without ending up in the divorce courts, but fresh paint and new bed linen, love it.

Well done on taking the very hard but necessary approach to your son, he will never be able to stop,gambling as long as he gets support, I know how hard this was for you,mbut believe me you have made the right decision, and this decision is the only way you can help him.

I am a recovering CG but I have a son who has a gambling problem, and yes while I was active I helped him out, but I realise now that I was not helping him out, I was helping him to feed the addiction.

He was dire straits at Xmas time and I did not give him a penny, yes it was hard, because he is my son, and I have grandkids off him, but I did not give in, even if it meant I would not see him and my grandson over Xmas, but guess what they came up, and When he rings me now, I have the respect back from him, all the time I bailed him out I had no respect.

You really have done the right thing for your son, well done on not giving in to him, because it is very hard.

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

I wish thank you so much I really needed to hear that, even though I know we had to do it, it was one of the hardest things weve ever had to do. Id by lying if I said Im not in bits because I am but Ive told myself its ok to have a cry now and then, then pick myself up and just get on with things. Our son hasnt hit rock bottom yet and its hard to believe considering the state his life is in and Im quite sure its going to get worse before it gets better. We are prepared to stick it out no matter how hard it gets. Its taken me a long time to realise the best thing we could of of done for him was nothing, but weve got here eventually so no use over thinking it. His girlfriend isnt at the stage we are yet even though he treats her just as badly and steals, from her almost every week now, she threatens to leave him if he lies or steals from her again, then when he does he talks her round and it all starts again. Im sure she thinks we are being mean to him not that it matters but I think its when she cant take any more that he will hit rock bottom. I guess all we can do now is wait and in the mean time try our best to get back to some kind of normal life.

Hi as67

Everyone's 'rockbottom' is different. Some of us have more than one 'rockbottom'. As I have said previously, all you can do is be there for him when he eventually hits his.

In the meantime as previous posters have said, look after yourself. You can't help him if you aren't well.

This is a very selfish addiction. The gambler in recovery has to be very selfish in looking after his own needs first and foremeost. The loved ones of a gambler who is still gambling have to be selfish as well. You are of no help to anyone if you don't take care of your own well-being.

Keep up with the tough love. Believe that you are doing the right thing.

You have probably read the Serenity Prayer, but I am going to post it anyway, it really has a very strong message.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Best wishes

Hi as67,

It is so hard to see our children in pain, but tough love is the only way you can help him,

I am there at all times for my son, I just won't give him any money, but thankfully he knows that at this time,

Keep strong don't give him any more financial help,whatsoever, no matter how much in debt he gets,( his debt can be sorted out

once he decides to stop) but he has to realise this, and when he has no access to money from anywhere he can't feed his addiction, and recovery will start,

I hope this helps.

Stay strong and don't give in

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

i wish there was a rock bottom

that's the problem with addiction and illness

it can always get worse its progressive!

its why i need to work hard on my honesty and chalenge myself to being a better person daily.

As my family remind me daily they love me but they hate the addiction inside of me. The challenge is they understand i need to keep on the path of recovery. If I stray they need to protect themselves first. I love my family more than anything but i'm ill and part of that is acceptance that gambling has beaten me. I need to keep reminding myself of that. If i gamble i lose especially if I win.

Triangle, you are right, I love the person not the addiction, I hope you feel a little better every day and continue on your path to recovery. (Hugs). wal1957, I totally forgot about the Serenity prayer, its given me goose bumps, Im going to put that somewhere I can see it every day, thank you. I wish, we havent given our son any money for a long time although he asks for it on a regular basis. We decided a long time ago that we are happy ( if thats the right word) to live with him but accept hes a gambler and protect ourselves along the way, weve told him countless times we love him and support him. He was sort of drifting between us and his own flat he shares with his girlfriend and that was ok, our view was at least hes safe and we just had to wait for him to decide he wanted to get well but it hasnt been like that at all. We can accept some moodiness, and I know hes unhappy but its the way he treats us that just got too much, Im not talking about the lies, or the times hes stolen from us, we accepted that and were prepared to live like that. A lot of the time he would just hide in his room, and have as little to do with us as possible, but when he couldnt get what he wanted he becomes very abusive and cruel, says some dreadful things, regularly calls me s**m and thats one of the less offensive words. Hes a big lad and towers over us and has a deep booming voice and I hate to say it but Ive started to become a little scared of him. Before this he was a sweet gentle lad, hes totally unrecognisable now. I have wondered if this behaviour is part of the gambling, there again it was pointed out to me that hes polite to everyone else. Can I ask if anyone else has had this ?

Hi as67

I think his abusive behaviour is directly related to how he is feeling himself.

During my last couple of years as a gambler, I loathed, detested myself. I hated what I was doing. I am sure that if I was living with someone who was aware of my issue I could have been verbally abusive to them . After all, they were leading a normal life. They didn't have my problems. So, you see, he takes out his frustrations on you. He is envious that you don't have his problems, and he is angry that you aren't helping him in the way that he wants you to.

Do you tell him that abusive behaviour will not be tolerated, and if he continues in that vein that he can leave until his behaviour improves? That would be my suggestion but as I do not know your son, how would he react? Is he lkely to become physical? So I think a counsellor would be the best person to put that question to.

I think that if you are worried that he could become physical that you should look at options to either remove him from your home altogether, or at the very least know where you can get help if you need it.

Best wishes