I need some serious help.....so does he!

Hi Demented, welcome to the Forum and well done for posting what you have here.

I gambled for twenty years before stopping five years ago.

Your partner does have a right to privacy, but he also has a responsibility to prove that he isn't gambling; I was desperate to prove it when I began stopping - he should have the same mindset but that clearly isn't the case because he clearly has things to hide.

I would explain to him that this has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with him, but it primarily involves both of you being able to provide a safe, happy and financially secure environment for your daughter to grow up in; he can't deny that he has touched upon that thus far, and is likely to make things far worse before they get better.

I would also explain that you would rather know the very worst of what he is doing and feeling rather than nothing at all - taking money from you without your consent is unacceptable; he should be enormously grateful that you stayed when many would have walked - instead, he continues on, making the same mistakes.

It doesn't mean that he is a bad person - i'm sure that he is a very decent guy without having gambling in his life. It made me deceitful, tempremental, depressed, anxious, emotional and much more - I am none of those things now and couldn't imagine being that way again; obsession has the capacity to turn your personality inside out where you act in a way that is completely alien to who you really are.

Your priority is to get him to open up about what happened; don't be angry, don't be judgemental because it will likely push him further away - approach him as you would a friend at the moment. Ask him what made him undo all the hard work he put into stopping, ask him to call you beforehand if he ever feels even remotely tempted - you want to stand by him, you want to help, but you can't be the Mother and wife you are expected to be with the shadow of deceit hanging over you, all day, every day.

There is always a reason behind relapse - if he doesn#t know why, then he most certainly knows how he was feeling at the time - was it depression? Stress? Boredom? Whatever it was, it needs to be taken on board and used next time when he feels strong urges - they soon pass, it is a case of working your way through them until you reach a point, like he did after six months, where they dissipate.

However he feels, and whatever he says, he cannot deny that this is a situation that cannot continue. You both want what is best for your daughter and this isn't it at the moment - there is little you can do without him wanting to help himself again, so you need to plan a way forward where he can get the help he needs.

I wish you well my friend. I hope he can come through this and be everything that you ever expected him to be.

JamesP

Hi D

Sorry to hear of the predicament you are in! First and foremost you can do nothing to stop your partner gambling. It is up to him to want to stop. You have a responsibility to yourself and your child. You must take care of yourself first as without you, you have no one (if that makes sense). Try contacting Netline on here as they'll give you some good tips as to how to get your partner to help himself. Sometimes tough love is needed. I gambled for a long time knowing that my wife would not leave me. It boiled down to arrogance to be honest and I took the P**s. However I did come to my senses and managed to stop myself. No one can stop a CG from gambling only themselves. Hope you and your partner get the help you both deserve

Take care

Thank u for the replies. Well he walked out on us Thursday night. To say I'm heartbroken and hurt is an understatement. He said he needed space because he felt like he was going to explode. He walked out without so much as a bye, he didn't give me money for his bills or see his daughter. He finally came to see us Saturday and I have him half his belongings and he have me some money and saw his daughter for half an hour. He said I can do better than him and has given up! It's very very sad and I feel lost and lonely. I'm shattered because our daughter is currently teething and going through the terrible twos early and I have to work fill time. He said he misses us terribly and loves us. 🙁

Hey D,

I too am in the same situation my partner left us well I made him go cos I couldn't afford to loose everything I had worked hard for & the kids to grow up in a bad relationship , 3 weeks on & I have only just seen some money he has given me! He turns up most weekends almost in tears cos he has gambled everything rent & his food money maintenance! Even now I feel myself checking up on him asking where the rest of his wages had gone! He came to see his son this weekend & went to the loo I walked in on him counting his money he went mental at me he turns it around as im the one with 'trust issues' and that's why he doesn't want to be with me! He promised to take the kids to the cinema (fri) & then on then come Sunday money was all gone!? He would rather starve himself & spend the money on machines. I love him dearly & cant do anymore to help him for the sake of our kids - he is in a world of his own most days & I fit the bill for everything from mortgage to days out, & when he needs money for everyday things like cigs or beers maybe he gets all aggressive & nasty & I cant live that way anymore. I just say give him time maybe they change? I can see where your coming from with its so hard when you love them and want to help, in time maybe things will work out xxx

Oh it's such a messy process isn't it!

Well this all happened Thursday and by Saturday he had seen or little girl, borrowed a car to get here and c her and gave me most the money he owes me so he is playing nicely I suppose. He doesn't sound as bad as your situation. I think he is coming to c her today too and is trying to sort a permanent vehicle out so easier for him. This is news to me as I always sorted everything out before xx

Its crazy its like I don't know him anymore like a complete stranger! Just wish he was the person I fell for! I know he is in there somewhere but what can you do! He says he loves me & wants us back but he knows he needs to get sorted first! Everyone says im doing the right thing! Just doesn't seem it! My partner doesn't drive so im still doing all the running around! xx

I can't do this anymore, I feel like I need to run away. Like he is my addiction. I feel so so so low. I can normally bounch back but not anymore.

I saw him again last night so he could see our little girl but this time I wasn't strong and I got upset in front of him and his response was- please dont do this. I'm not here for this. I just need to be alone.

The night before I thought we were getting somewhere, he opened up a bit. Said things like he misses and loves me but I deserve better and he needs to do this alone. I dont know what he means? Do what alone? Also said he doesn't know yet if he may of made the biggest mistake of his life leaving me but time will tell and what will be will be. He said he hasn't left so he can carry on gambling but then I don't get why he has left?

I could do without hearing from him or speaking to him for a few days but he texts me asking how our baby is and when can he see her and I do not want to be a lady who uses her children as a weapon but its such early days I feel my heart literally break when ever I see him. I don't feel I can trust him alone with her yet. It hasn't even been a week. Shes my baby who he left. Why does he get t have her for the fun times then hadn her back and go and deal with his feelings on his own.

I just wished we could of worked through this together, I dont even understand whats happened. He gone to stay at a family members new house which is empty and his family arent the type to talk so I no he is on his own and not talking to anyone.

I just want him to hug me, admit what the real propblme is and see if we can work for our babies sake.

I have tried telling him this, offered to be there as a friend, I have screamed, cried, called him names, everything. I just feel like I am going to explode.

I can't eat, sleep, haven't gone to work and keep crying in front of my baby.

Hi D, i'm so hugely, enormously sorry that you are continuing to go through this my friend,

When he says he wants to be alone, it generally means that he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions face-to-face.

Not only that, he doesn't have to answer to anyone in terms of moving forward and sorting this problem once and for all. Also, by saying things like time will tell and whatever will be will be means that he can't admit to himself that he is having a significant effect on you both at the moment. It is his way of coping, even though it is the wrong way.

A lot of it stems from pride. No-one wants to admit they have something in their life that they can't control, to the point where they are willing to believe the unbelievable and act in a way where they don't have to face up to things.

What he needs to know and understand that he is not in a position to have pride; he has deep-seated problems and an enormous amount of responsibility that relies on him sorting these problems; walking away is the equivalent of closing your eyes, putting your hands over your ears and hiding underneath a desk, hoping it all goes away.

But, despite how you feel, it may not be the worst thing in the world if he truly, genuinely feels that he is better being away, rather than putting you through more of the same. You have tried everything - you are a brave, caring woman who has done her level best; if he is not being everything he can be, and you are offering all the help you can, then there is nothing you can do sadly my friend.

For your own sanity and well being, you need to try and draw a line under what you have done for him my friend; it is a hopeless situation without him wanting to take this further - it's not what you want but there geuninely isn't any more you can do at the moment.

I wish it was different my friend. The main thing is the well-being of your daughter; you are doing everything in your power to do what is right, and you are also right about not wanting to use your child as a weapon - other children in that situation often grow up to resent the parent that does; this whole thing boils down to him - you can only do what you think is right, which you are, and god bless you for it.

JamesP

Hi demented

I dont normally comment on the friends and family section- mainly because I am a compulsive gambler and I am not sure what kind of support I could offer- however having read you last post I wanted to offer some advice.

My dad was an alcoholic and gambler and I remember my parents shouting at each other a lot when I was growing up. Barely a weekend went by that didnt result in my dad walking out for a day or 2 and my mother was left in pieces. Anyway long and short of it is after we all moved to england (from ireland) my dad carried on with his behaviour and my mother decided enough was enough. She put her foot down and took all of us (5 kids) and packed our bags and were heading back to ireland.

This was the best thing that ever happened as my dad realised that she wasnt going to put up with it anymore. That was 1993 and he never drank again.

What Im saying is- sometimes you have to make a stand for your children.

I did it 76 days ago when I owned up my gambling problem and have not looked back.

You need to take care of yourself and your daughter and let him do what he has to.

If he will not man up and take responsibility for what he is and what he has done- well you wouldnt want him as a role model for your baby anyway. Believe me I spent 11 years with my dads addictions and my broken mother and no relationship is worth that.

If he sorts himself out and then proves to you that he can stay away from gambling etc well then it should then be up to you whether you want him back- not the other way around,

Best wishes and I really hope you can find the strength that you need to take that stand,

Linda

He is now saying its my fault because I smothered him :'( I was only trying to help! Xx

Hi Demented

If it is possible - take a deep breath and slow down for a minute. I can tell from your posts that you are distraught by his behavior however one thing ive learnt in life is that you cannot control what someone else says or does. You can only now put in some measures to protect yourself and your daughter.

Is there a family member there you can talk to about this or someone you can stay with for a few days? Sometimes it helps if you just change the scenery for a little while or just take a break from the norm and it may help change your perspective on things.

You are a good person with a wonderful daughter. Concentrate on the good things and dont keep dwelling on the decisions he makes. You are not responsible for his actions- only your own so be the best mum you can be right now and you will feel better. You can get through this, you are strong enough and you have the single best motivation a woman could have- her children.

Linda

Hi D,

He is still deflecting responsibility for his own actions - even if it defies belief and has no basis in common sense, it is a thousand times easier to make you the bad guy in his own mind rather than face up to who he is.

He really needs to put himself in your shoes - you are trying everything you can; he needs to have respect and appreciation of that, not condemnation; if he feels it is too much, then he needs to address it, and not walk out - by doing that, he is avoiding his responsibilities and pretending they are not there.

It is similar to the mindset of prisioners or criminals - they prefer to believe the unbelievable rather than face up to what they have done. He is not a bad person, he is just handing this very badly and cannot come to terms with the consequences of his actions.

JamesP

Well i gave him the choice to sit down and talk this sunday and he rejected that and loves me but something in his has triggered him to want to gamble (his words). He said he makes mistakes and ruins things, thats what he does so I am nowstuck as to what to do about him seeing the baby because I cant yet.....it upsets me too much. I feel I am living a walking nightmare. Every part of me aches. xx

Hi Demented,

Your story is similar to mine only I was the partner who gambled. I put my wife through hell, barely money to pay the bills, no money to ever go out for nice meals, go on holiday etc which I should have had as I work full time on a decent salary. She left me approx 10 months ago and for 6 months I continued to gamble, mainly because of the stress of the situation even though I knew it was wrong and only creating more stress. I regret every single thing I put my wife through and its only in the past few weeks that I have started getting my life together and stopped gambling. I now see the kids regularly and speak to my ex wife and things are so much better than what they were when I was gambling. To be honest if he continues to gamble there is no point in being with him because your life will always be this miserable, you need him to hand over his finances to you, he needs to self exclude from all sites and needs to start putting his family first.