I need some strength.

Hi Half-Life,

Thank you so much for your reply. It is a breath of fresh air to hear someone else's perspective, and re assuring to know that perhaps I am actually doing the right thing.

I haven't actually heard from him since his last message where he told me that he is going to make my life hell. I dread every time my phone bleeps that I have a message because I know that it might be a message that once again takes away my strength.

At the moment I am dealing with life hour by hour and hope that I get through. My children are my world, and I am doing this for them. I know history repeats itself and I won't let them be victims of this.

You are right when you say that perhaps it won't be a bad thing if he tells them. Perhaps it needs to come out, and all the better if its from him. He knows my weakness is the kids and he is using them as a pawn in his game. He thinks that I will be scared of what he might do or say and I'll back down. I always have in the past, that's the problem. I really need to change my mindset. I need to think differently to conquer this and re gain my life. Get back some control. Be happy. I can't really remember what that feels like. I'm looking forward to it. But, on the other hand, I know it's going to be a long hard road getting there. I am fully expecting him to make this incredibly hard for me, and to try and break me down.

After 15 long years I finally realise that staying was the easy option. It takes so much more strength and determination to realise that enough is enough and leave.

I know that's not true in some cases. And I give total respect people who stick by their partners and help them through it, but for me I have been there and done that. I know mine will not change, at least not in the near future, and I am not willing to waste anymore of my life in the hope that he will.

It feels so good to finally say what I have had pent up for so long, and to know that I am not the only one going through thIs. It's been such a lonely existence. Thank you so much x

Hi mumof4

So sorry that you are in this impossible situation. There really is no sticking by your partner to help him through this as he doesn't think he has a problem and/or if he does he is still nowhere near working on a recovery.

Active compulsive gamblers as you are well aware lie and manipulate to both keep the addiction going and to absolve themselves of guilt. We who love a CG are often left doubting ourselves and reality as the gambler can have us believing black is white and up is down. It's crazy making!!

If at all possible I would try to find a Gam Anon meeting as you will find a roomful of support to help you cope!

Take Care of you and your kiddies

Cathyx

Mumof4, I give my total respect to you for finding the strength to reach for your sanity & to protect your children! I don't think you took the easy option staying as long as you did either...Sounds like you were trying your very best throughout this relationship despite getting nothing but the usual CG behaviours in return 🙁

Who on earth does he think he is threatening to make your life hell?!? That's not how loved ones behave & if you are dreading your phone beeping please know that you can call the National Domestic Violence hotline: 0808 2000247. I'm sorry if this is the 1st time you have considered this but bullying & manipulation hurts. Not sure why you are dreading him telling the kids, what's he gonna say? I'm biting my tongue to stop me going into a full on sarcastic speech of what he might but only a CG can think that telling would make you look bad!

Phone the GamCare helpline, find a GamAnon meeting, tell anyone you want to to ensure that you have real life support @ home & most importantly, be kind to you! We might only be here in cyber space but we are here, cheering you on!

It's time to stop living in fear - ODAAT

Hi,

I'm not quite in the same position as you, also long term married, also four kids but for most of it, the gambling was hidden. Although the associated behaviour wasn't...but I didn't recognise it for what it was. He was exposed last summer, there was a short period of denial followed by our ultimatum to get help or get out. Following the crisis, to be fair to him, he made the commitment to stop, he has done what he needed to ie meetings and barriers. He's still gf but it's hard. A bit easier now but no quick fixes.

I would suggest that you tell the children in age appropriate terms. (I did, also the schools, because it came to light that he'd cleared out their savings.) The children need to know, they're family members and they will be all too aware that something's wrong, don't think otherwise. It's far less frightening for them to know exactly what it is, even if they're quite young. It would also defuse this nonsensical threat from him. Gambling thrives on secrecy and blowing it open by telling whoever needs to know, makes it harder. The illness/non illness debate is a controversial topic for elsewhere on the forum but maybe present it to the younger ones as a type of illness, where Daddy isn't thinking properly because he has a craving to gamble, he can't help it. Perhaps explain that this makes you upset and worried - and that it's not because of anything they've done. I also told his parents (who at one point had given him money behind my back) and his brother. Partly to prevent future loans, partly because they need to know.

I second the advice to go to GamAnon meetings, whatever effort is required. Real life help and support for you is vital, otherwise he will continue to, frankly, bully you into cooperating with the gambling. At the very least, read as much of the forum as you can. Going to your support meetings will convey to him that there is a problem that you take seriously.

The manipulation that goes with addiction ties you in knots and puts up all sorts of imaginary barriers to common sense measures that you need to take. My husband did it and until I wised up, I let him and saw the prospect of incurring his displeasure as a real limitation. In December, I consulted a Therapist who specialises in addiction because I was at the end of my tether. I knew my husband wouldn't like it, he had vehemently opposed outside marriage counselling and at first I sneaked off behind his back, telling no one, all secretive. The Therapist put me straight, told me to tell my husband that I'd met with him and why, to spell out to my husband that our marriage was in crisis and why and guided me as to how to persuade my husband to let him help both of us. Telling my husband took away the secrecy, moved the goalposts, made what I had done a legitimate measure and not something I needed to apologise for.

Sorry long post. Hope some of it helps.

CW

Hi

Im the mum of compulsive gambler and although its a different relationship to yours the cg behaviour is exactly the same.

My son doesn't live with us anymore, I got to breaking point and just couldn't take another day of his vile behaviour. It wasn't so much a choice it what was necessary after it was obvious after years of gambling he wasn't going to change.

Compulsive gambling thrives in secrecy, as has already been said I'd tell your children in an age appropriate way, it takes away his power of threats. As for making your life hell, hes getting desperate a cg lashes out on panic when they see they're not getting their own way, I doubt very much he could cause you any more upset than he already has.

A cg has no conscience and no morals and will lie and manipulate to get what they want, they will have you convinced black is white, and doubting yourself.

You have done nothing wrong, dont doubt yourself, this has to be about whats right for you and your children.

Hi, thank you so much to each one of you that has replied. It means so much to know that people that don't even know me would take the time to reply and show they care. I'm really moved by all of your responses.

It's been a terrible day. My husband has been messaging literally from morning. First sounding reasonable, then getting 'very' nasty when I haven't backed down. He's been begging me to stand by him, promising that he can only change and sort everything out with my help. I'm pretty sure it's emotional blackmail. I've heard it hundreds of times before and always fallen for it, and always been deeply disappointed that I have given him that chance for him to squash me again.

He's saying that if he can't be with me then he wants a divorce asap. I wanted a separation, mainly for the children's sake really. Just so I could ease them into the situation rather than blast them with divorce straight away. It would also ease us into it aswell. If we live without each other then hopefully any future decisions will be a bit easier for both of us to cope with. It's not a cop out, trust me, if you knew my husband you would understand why I think this is the best way. He doesn't want it though. I've spoken to my mother in law. She knows a lot (not all) of what I've been through in the past 15 years. She is saying she will speak to him and calm him down and hopefully make him see sense. She also thinks there is no way but separation now. But obviously, being his mum, she is going to look out for him. Apparently he has told her he will go and see her on Sunday, I don't believe he will. He hasn't got the guts to face her I don't think, but I live in hope.

He is refusing to leave until divorce papers are signed, obviously buying him time. So leaves me in a pretty awful situation here at home.

I really hope this gets easier. One minute he seems full of apologies for everything he has done, the next so nasty. I don't think he's going to leave without a fight.

I wish I had a magic wand!

Refusing to leave until divorce papers are signed? What exactly does "signing divorce papers" mean? Which ones? Sounds grand but I assure you that any Solicitor worth their fee will tell you that it is fairly meaningless.

A divorce is largely a paper exercise that usually takes a few months, it starts with a petition and ends with a decree absolute. Less nasty divorces are based on a period of two years separation but it is possible for you to petition immediately on the grounds of his behaviour. In addition some couples need a financial order setting out how the assets are to be split, that takes a good while to come through. No imminent signatures, unfortunately.

Get legal advice from a divorce lawyer urgently. If you can afford it, go private rather than the local law centre of CAB.

CGs in crisis are nasty and manipulative, don't believe every threat he makes, if you call his bluff you might be surprised. Behave towards him in a way that is based on the existence of a real problem caused by his addiction. Tell him how you feel, how you see the situation, it's not all about him calling the shots.

Look after yourself.

CW

Hi CW,

That's how seriously he's taking me, the fact that he thinks we will both sign papers and it's done. He still thinks I'm bluffing and he's trying to call it. I just can't get through to him. That's what years of me forgiving me has done. I well and truly shot myself in the foot!

I just wish I could fast forward a few months and it all be over.

My girls were just having an argument and I lost it with them. I don't think I've ever shouted as hard. I feel so guilty that they are seeing me like this. I hate myself at the moment.

*thats what years of forgiving has done me.

There's a thread on the other side of the forum with that title.

I would suggest that you give him reality checks when the chance arises, not a licence to nag but to state the reality of the situation. Point out that it's harming the children, that rattled my husband. nb it was harming them, the school contacted me to express concern.

No need to hate yourself, we all lose it under stress but the whole point of the support groups like GamAnon is to help us deal with the devastating effect that the gamblers have on us, to help us cope.

Generally, treat it as a real problem and focus on doing what you need to do, you can't control him. Get legal advice, encourage him to go, (if that's what you want, not my place to tell you what you want) enlist all family support that you can, try counselling and meetings.

You'll get through it. You will. Take care.

CW

Hi Mumof4, Believe me, you have all the strength you need!! It's diffiuclt having to be the one making the decisions in changing the family dynamics but you have no choice. Your husband will never leave of his own accord. As for "opening your mouth" to his mother, it isnt fair or resonable to expect you to keep this all to yourself. We all do it, a CG doesnt want to broadcast his/her nasty little habit because they dont want to be judged or be made to face up to their behaviour. I kept it to myself for the best part of 10 years but after the last replapse/melt down I've told my parents, my sister, certain friends. As well as support it's a saety net. If people who care about me know what I'm facing they wont allow it to go and be brushed under the carpet as it has been for years, so I'm forced to do something about it and to get myself and my children out of this nightmare.

Take care and be strong xx

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your words of encouragement. I have an update, but not a favourable one I'm afraid.

My husband has been messaging we (we haven't spoken face to face since his last admittance) telling me that he basically refuses to leave. Is options to me are either he stays and fights for his family or he disappears of the face the earth (if only) but makes my life hell in the meantime.

I feel so trapped. I have no where else to go as I have to think of the children's school but he's under a ridiculous illusion that he will make things better in time. Meanwhile me and my kids are expected to stay in this awful environment so he can be comfortable. He says that he cannot get better unless he is around us everyday to remind him of what he has done.

He is just not accepting that I don't want this anymore. I am hanging my head against a brick wall and am fast running out of options.

I am now thinking that if he stays I will make him see that everything between us is lost and maybe he will eventually leave if his own accord if he is that unhappy. Is that naive of me to think that will work?

I'm starting to hate him. I can't believe that after all that he has put me through he is willing to put me through more in the hope that he can make everything alright again. Little does he know that it was never alright to begin with. I have put up a pretence with him for years. I have become a very good actor to keep the peace. But I am desperately unhappy. He knows it but doesn't care.

Hi,

Well, we all know that active CGs are manipulative and selfish and prefer to avoid reality, so nothing surprising there.

You're not running out of options but it may take some time.

My husband threatened to go first time round. One time I asked when, he said that he would go in his own time, I wasn't going to tell him when, I had ruined things by invading his privacy. Another time I told him that he needed help and he said he was going then and there, that we'd never see him again, he made sure that the kids realised that he had to go because of me, he took the biggest suitcase he could find and made a whole fanfare of it. I panicked and got one of his friends to talk him out of it, huge mistake!!!! The friend was as clueless as I and as easily manipulated as I, my husband had nowhere to go and so of course was persuaded to "return". And the punchline? The suitcase was virtually empty, there wasn't even a change of clothes for one day - I unpacked the wretched thing.

The point of all that was to say that he probably won't disappear off the face of the earth. Sometimes they do run away, not happened to me but I've certainly heard of it.

I would suggest that you keep on repeating the same messages to him that you have previously, as calmly as possible. State what you want, (try a little emotional blackmail of your own to the effect that it's the one thing he can do for you now?) point out that it's harming the children, say that you very much hope he will choose recovery but that is something that he has to do for him, it doesn't depend on you and it's not your responsibility. And as suggested previously, get legal advice (receipt of the first letter from your Solicitors might indicate to him that you're serious), also try the National Domestic Violence, enlist his mother's support (emphasise the welfare of the grandchildren when doing this), try meetings.

Keep the focus on you and what you need.

CW

There's a quotation from Hillel in Ethics of the Fathers which I like, worth thinking about in many contexts:

"If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If I am just for myself, what am I? If not now, when?"