I need some strength.

Crikey, HL, I thought it was just me!!!!!

As a CG I can give you this advice.........Your husband is in his own world, his only thoughts will be to chase chase chase his money.

if you gave him all the money in cash to pay his debt off he would gamble it to see if he could win it back, lose it and still continue to chase.

For many years I tried stopping for other people and it was only when I thought my mind was leaving me did I stop.............for seven years until the last six months when I let my guard down and forgot I was Poorly with this incipid CG.

After a shake of the reins I'm back in the world of the living.

The only thing to jolt your husband into shape is hard cold facts, no dancing around the subject , he needs it to be put to him straight, take everything away he has got, his wife and kids everything.

If this extreme route doesn't jolt him into helping HIMSELF then do you really need each other.

I have a wife and three children and the thought of losing them made me drag myself out of my own reclusive devious manipulative destructive world .

Your husband probably beats himself up then carries on, beats himself then carries on.......he needs a sharp hard shock to stimulate him out of his denial.

Good luck mumof4 it's a long and hard but rewarding road

Mumof4, how is it all going? Stay strong and be clear about the boundaries. You have to communicate clearly and avoid the treading on eggshells and skirting around the situation that it can be easy and tempting to do in the face of a CG's manipulation. Be clear on your boundaries and your "bottom line" and calmly and clearly state them and don't deviate. You can do it, if you're strong enough to have been through all of this, you're strong enough now to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your children.

In the last conversation I had with the CG who was in my life (thankfully no more), she was bemoaning that she won't have the time or money to enjoy her summer. I calmly pointed out that falling behind in the things she has to do and lacking money are some of the impacts of gambling too much so it might be worth looking at that so next summer at least can be a better one for her. She responded by turning it all onto me, calling me a liar and defending her gambling. My point is that as you know until a cg is ready to face up to it for themselves, nothing will change. All you can do is be clear about what's the best course of action to protect yourself and your children.

Good luck with it and keep us posted.

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't been on in a while. I have been reading your kind replies and even though I haven't responded they all gave me strength and encouragement.

So much has happened since I last posted that I don't know where to start.

After my husband refused to leave things got extremely awkward at home. We were sleeping in different rooms and totally avoiding each other.

Last Thursday he packed some clothes and told the children he was going to stay with his mum until Sunday.

On the Saturday he briefly comes back home, packed a few more things and left. Next I find out that he is out of the country. Needed time alone apparently!

Anyway while he was away I decided that I would text him an ultimatum. I needed some direction and a clearer perspective of what may happen.

I told him that if he surrenders all his finances to his brother (someone that I really trust and that has stood by me over the years) then there might be a glimmer of hope that one day something may be salvaged. I told him he would need to give all credit cards, loans, passwords for bank accounts, credit checks etc. That his wage would be taken and distributed to his creditors and some would be given to me for the children. He would only get money for his expenses and everything else would need receipts. He would need to attend counselling on a regular basis and commit to recovery.

Anyway, he refused. Pretty much laughed in my face calling me insane if I think that would happen.

i told him that was his only option. Either that or we're finished. He doesn't want any of it. So that either tells me he has more to hide or he's just not ready to get better.

He asked me to pack up his clothes and belongings and that he would come for them.

So today he came. While the kids were at school. He packed a few more things and then the next thing I know he's in the back garden setting alight to his clothes!!!! He made a massive fire and kept throwing stuff on it, even his pillows! God knows what the neighbours thought.

I just stood there and watched. I was too frightened to stop him as he was obviously in a very destructive mood. After an hour or so he called a taxi, took his work clothes and some other bits (that he didn't burn) and left.

There's nothing left of his here now. I've heard he's at his mums so best of luck to her.

He has been sending me vile messages. Very rude (though he has not said a word to my face for 3 weeks). He is accusing me of kicking him out and taking away everything he loves. Also he's saying that if anything happens to him it's my fault. Because I forced the situation.

I know what I'm doing is the right thing. If he's not prepared to give up everything then what chance do we have? I've tried to explain he has nothing to lose but everything to gain. It'll take a lot of time and work but he can have a life better than ever if he tries, but he just doesn't want to do it. So now I'm sitting in the aftermath of what he's left behind and wondering what my future holds.

Hi,

Sorry that it's left you reeling but you do have that strength and you'll get through it. Get real life support and go to a meeting if you can? Also, it's helpful as far as possible for you and his mother to be on the same page; divide and rule is a classic gambler's ploy.

He's responsible for what he does and for the consequences of the gambling. Don't let him put any of it onto you, pass it straight back.

In the absence of a crystal ball, I can't tell you what your future holds. If it's not the day to day chaos of his gambling then surely that's an improvement?

My experience was that change takes a long time, it's a question of little steps in the right direction rather than overnight miracles.

Look after yourself.

CW

Thanks CW for your reply. Unfortunately it's been over a week that he hasn't been home and I am none the wiser as to what is going to happen.

He is basically still refusing my ultimatum. I told him that he needed to tell his boss about his addiction. His boss has lent him money, given him advances etc in the past. Plus he gives him cash payments sometimes too. So in my opinion this would need to be done. He is saying he will do everything but this though.

So basically now he has given me 'his decision', which is he will stay with his mum for the next few months, clear his debt and then proove to me that he's changed and expect me to take him back. If only it were that easy. I feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall with him!!!! He's so infuriating. Why can't he just once give me what I ask for? Then maybe there might be a chance for us in the future. On the other hand is he really ready to do all of this for me if I have to force him? Shouldn't he be doing it because he wants to?

I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused as to what to do for the best.

Hi,

I know that I keep harping on about it but can you get to a GamAnon meeting? When people describe their experience and it resonates with you, it's such a comfort to know that you're not alone.

It's not about the money or the debt, it never was. Financial security is important and a whole lot better than the financial insecurity that gambling generates. But it's the outrageous behaviour that's the problem, the refusal to listen, the lies, the blame, the manipulation. That's what has to change. And it's a long term project that can't really get off the ground until he's gf.

It's interesting that he has you well and truly confused, sorry to be cynical but in doing so he has achieved his ends. If he can get you to take him back without having changed, then normal life can resume for him. To take him back or not to is your choice but the best advice remains to educate yourself and to get the support that you need to make the right decision for you. It's not your problem if he can't see reality, no need to take it on.

re his boss, he's enabling, as you suspect and it's not helpful. The issue is addressed in GamAnon literature...which tells you that misplaced loyalty from a boss definitely happens. What's worrying for you is that recovery requires honesty, if he's letting the enabler enable, then it doesn't bode well. Actions speak louder than words and I wouldn't advise you to consider any future together unless you can see him doing everything he can for recovery. High barriers, an honest approach, GA and or counselling.

Keep the focus on you, take care.

CW

Hi Mum of 4

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.

My situation is practically the same as yours, my son was told to leave months ago.

We had given him ultimatums in the past but eventually I would give in and told him to come home, his good behaviour lasted hours on one of those occassions and then he was straight back to his awful behaviour. Like your husband he was full of the dramatics and everything was mine and my husbands fault he even had people convinced we were bad parents. Any way it became obvious that if we gave him an ultimatum we had to be prepared to carry it through and we did.

Theres no way of knowing what the future holds for your husband and my son, but I know we've made the right decision and Im sure you have too. When a cg is in denial and doesn't want recovery there comes a point when we have to decide how much more of the madness we can tolerate, I was at the end of my tether and so are you.

Just like you I didnt know what to do for the best, doubting myself over and over again there is no winner its horrible which ever way you look at it. While hes in denial he'll never give you what you want a cg is very selfish, and no you shouldnt have to force him in to anything, if he was wanting recovery he would be doing things willingly ,not putting up a fight.

As Cynical Wife said if possible get his mother on side , cgs can divide families, my son has caused many arguments in my family. If she doesn't see the way things really are, leave her be to find out for herself, theres nothing more you can do.

I know you feel confused, I felt just the same, it doesn't make any sense, but the best thing to do is nothing, nothing at all for him, leave him alone. Let him have his dramas, a cg can be very dramatic. Tell him what you want, and leave it at that, dont get drawn into an argument and be prepared to carry through on what you have said, if you back down he wont believe you next time.

It takes a while to get used to a new way of life, and to be honest I found it very hard at first, but its getting better and I wouldnt change what Ive got now for anything. I love my son as much as ever but he's still in denial and a cg in denial is hell to live with, and I am certain we made the right decision telling him to leave.

The only person who can help a cg is themselves and the kindest thing we can do for them is let them face the consequences of their gambling, they need to if they are ever to want recovery

This is not your husbands decision to make, its your life and you get to decide what is right for you.

Take care