I think he could be gambling again

Hi,

I’ve been in this situation and would advise you to avoid making the same mistakes as I did.

The reality is that he is gambling, so protect yourself financially. There’s a lot of advice on how to do that, I won’t repeat it.

I looked for other explanations and wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, but that just allowed him to continue to lie to me. Secrecy plus loans plus the behaviour you describe amount to gambling.

I was also fearful of his response to my opening his post (threats of divorce). Again, the reality of my situation was that there was something badly amiss that I couldn’t sort out myself. Opening the post is controlling and inappropriate but far less so than trying to hide an addiction to gambling. Normal is openness and transparency, only gamblers or someone with something to hide would mind their partner knowing their finances. Even couples with separate accounts would normally have a fairly accurate idea of where each other is financially. Secrecy is dysfunctional.

I couldn’t talk to my husband, I’d try to get others to do it for me (his parents, friends, clergy). Actually this was manipulation on my part: the reality was that I couldn’t talk to him, I should have been able to talk to him but a relationship takes two and he wasn’t there, his behaviour in refusing to talk to me was unacceptable but I took on the blame. By making it my fault, I was trying unsuccessfully to control the outcome, I was being omnipotent, all I needed to do was fix it and all would be well. But he wasn’t able to talk to me because he was too busy gambling, not because of anything on my part and therefore the problems were his, for him to deal with and outside my control.

Better to take on for yourself only what’s yours, to recognise that you’re in a relationship with someone who is gambling and behaving accordingly. Move your focus away from what he needs to do and over to you. He’s gambling and you can’t talk to him because of it. Think about how his behaviour is affecting you and what you’re going to do to help and protect yourself. Start with GamAnon meetings, make it clear that you’re going because of your situation. In time, you find that as your responses change, the dynamics of the relationship change.

Look after you.

CW

An active gambler can and does drag everyone around down with them. You can't stop him gambling (he almost certainly is from what you've said). Protect your finances then think about how you deserve to be treated and how you want to live.

Thanks for your replies.

I spoke to him Monday night and did quite well with him ( we both spoke in a calm manner) he admitted the loan was a gambling debt but he was no longer gambling. He told me he had stopped 2yrs ago and paid off the debt but clearly I knew he wasn’t telling me everything. He was trying to be positive saying he was going to use bonus this summer to pay a lot of it off. Didn’t want to push it anymore but knew I’d heard this before too.

Left it a couple of days and checked my credit file. My finances are good but I could see that he has a lot of credit checks recently ( he is an associate on my file) so I tried to speak to him again. He started defensive but then it came out there was more debt on top of the loan and our joint bills/mortgage (which he always pays)

I’ve told him he can’t manage this alone and urged him to get help. He keeps insisting he has now stopped and is working hard to pay off the debt. I’ve told him I will help, I’m good with money and have savings. I’m not offering to pay his debts off but help him manage his money. He seemed quite open.

Next morning he text me wanting to split up. He’s now gone into attack mode telling me he doesn’t need the added pressure from me I’m obviously bothered about my credit file and I’ve patronised him as I have savings so it’s better he removes himself from my associations.

I’ve told not to be so pig headed and that this is much bigger than the worry over my credit file.

Doesn’t sound like he will accept the help and in a way trying to protect me?

What I really want to tell him is how devastating I have been the past year as he’s kept changing his mind over making future plans, Now I don’t think k I’ll ever have children. I know he loves me but could see there’s something amiss with his subtle behaviour changes. It all comes down to the gambling.

Hi Amy Lucy. If he is gambling you can't stop him. It just makes them more secretive. It sounds like he has a lot of debt which he isn't being honest about. From past experience you think he's gambling. That's probably your gut instinct. Let's forget about him. Do you want to live with someone actively gambling? Do you want to be someone who's never allowed to speak their opinions and fears? Is it natural for financial secrecy? What do you want? You shouldn't be afraid to speak to your partner, worried about arguing. Whether he's gambling or not, you don't trust him. He's not being honest with you. My husband the last episode of gambling he told me he was leaving. That's classic denial, lying, distraction behaviour. If he's paying the bills and mortgage which are joint, can you see these payments? It all sounds very suspicious but ultimately what do you want to do? We all handle our relationship differently, but you shouldn't be afraid to be yourself. His behaviour is affecting you and you should tell him.

The joint bills and mortgage I can see in our joint account.

I don’t want to leave him but whatever I decide it’s just a hopeless situation.

My first day on the forum and I just had to comment after reading this thread and how gambling affects those around us and the people we love and care about I hope things can improve

My OH did this to me last week! I’d get yourself off of any joint bills fairly sharpish, before doing anything else. I’m also trying to sort out the house so that he is not involved (although this will be a longer thing). Just like you, I only found out that he was doing it again, after having sneaking suspicions. For the time being worry about yourself. He isn’t ready to be honest with himself for whatever reason, so seek help for yourself. Don’t get caught up in how he’s feeling, just secure things for yourself. Good luck!

Thanks for your lovely comments I’m sat under a blanket crying and already ill then all this.

I just wish he could see this. In fact I think he knows what he is destroying but it’s too much to admit it.

Heart breaking to read this especially when it seems you are being more than reasonable with him, I'm not an expert and would not pretend to be but as guy with battling a gambling issue maybe I can help explain some emotion he might be going through, have you Thought he might of changed his mind about having kids because he feels like he wouldn't be in a good place financially to support you as a family or not a good role model right now. It's unfair he takes his anger out on you and you have every right to have a clear picture of what's going on like every addiction he needs to face up to the truth and deal with it. I do feel you might be fighting a losing battle until he reaches that point I just hope it's before he ruins one good thing which sounds like you. I have no idea where I would be without my partners support but the thought of losing her and not giving her what she deserves in life is the biggest reason for me being here right now. I know it's about me and quiting for myself to. He needs to understand he will will face potentially the biggest loss so far if he continues to gamble with your relationship ! Don't lose sight of yourself in all of this you and your happiness are important

He "doesn't need the added pressure from you" because he doesn't want to stop and he's afraid you're (quite rightly) not going to let it lie. He's not protecting you he's protecting the addiction. An active CG prioritises gambling above everything and everyone. You can't reason with them because the addiction isn't open to any kind of logic.

There's a lot of talk about 'rock bottom' and many gamblers will think they've hit it only to find there's another trapdoor That cycle continues until the pain of stopping becomes less than the pain of continuing and they are genuinely ready to commit to the changes they need to make.

If he's not ready to change he won't which is why the advice is to switch your focus to what you want. It seems hard now and there's no reason it can't change if he shows he's willing to change but life with an active gambler is a nightmare. You deserve better.

Yeah I think the reason he stalled over kids was that he secretly knew he was in massive debts. He has only admitted this now because I found him out and when I previously got upset wondering what was going on and why he changed his mind he ‘didn’t need the pressure’ of that too. It would seem any pressure about anything at all tips him over the edge due to what’s gone on behind the scenes.

He made comment that this is his demon and he will deal with it, how does it affect me? Well the above is how!!!

‘Rock bottom’ was also a term he used as was ‘cold turkey’ however due to his previous and he apparently was at ‘rock bottom’ before he must understand it’s hard for me to believe he won’t end up in this hole again.

I have handled it differently this time and thought he was opening up, only for him to turn the next day.

I go from my heart aching for him because I don’t want him to live like this to being so angry that he’s taking it out on me.

My heads a mess but I can’t let this lie again for my own sanity.

Sorry to hear that things are still difficult for you. Is there a way for you to get away for a few days? Sometimes distancing yourself from your partner will give you a chance to work out things, without him using a range of tactics to deliberately draw your attention away from the main problem. Talking about children with you now seems to be a bit of a tactic to deflect from him facing up to his problem. If you’re worrying about these side issues, it confuses things and prevents you from thinking about what you need! Believe me, my OH turned this into an art form for many years. As soon as there was any chance of me finding out the true extent, out would come out the tears or tantrums: anything to avoid me asking any difficult questions. Look after yourself- remember, you haven’t caused any of this!

The kid subject hasn’t been brought up again, it’s far too painful for me to get into that again right now and I’m not even in the right place to discuss any of this.

He’s taken himself off to the spare room 2nights in a row now. I’ve spent most of my time at friends or family.

I know he’s in a vulnerable position but after his behaviour he may as well just go. He’s really pushing me.

It sounds like you’re seeing his problem for what it is- his problem! I’m pleased that you are managing to get away from the situation. Hopefully, you can talk it through with friends and family.