I've wrote on here a couple of times a few months back. My dad has always had a gambling problem and I've always found a way to lend him money if its by getting loans or by borrowing of family. I am now in around £6,000 worth of debt myself. Its always been very painful knowing that I have to do this but I always felt that he was being honest with me about it so I still had some respect for him and thought there was a little bit of trust between us. He and my mum are seperated and have been since I was one. He has borrowed around £500 this month and I was in tears and I said I cant lend him anymore as I dont have any myself. He said that he would be sensible with it and just use it towards rent, train fare to work and food. I then found he secretly borrowed money from my mum behind my back after I had already given him everything I had. I bummped into my dads sister on saturday and I was explaining how much im struggling and feel like I am dealing with it all on my own. I explained how I felt like none of them bothered with me as I hadnt had a birthday or christmas card from my two aunties or my uncle (all on dads side) for about 6 years. My auntie immediatley got really upset and explained that her, my other auntie and my uncle had given my dad my cards with money in every birthday and christmas. My dad has been stealing of me and out of anything he has ever done this hurts the most. My dads side of the family dont have any money and they all must have struggled to put money in cards for me and my dad has taken the money and dumped the cards. The money isnt the point in this rant my problem is that I was made to feel that my dads side of the family didnt care for years and whennever I had spoke to my dad and said how much it hurts me that they havent bothered to get me a card. He would say I cant even talk about it because it winds me up. He has been slagging of his family to me saying they cant be bothered and borrowing of them as well. Im at my breaking point I can feel myself getting more and more depressed each day. I want to help him and love him more than anything but I dont know how I can move on from this. Does anyone have any advice of what I can do? I have just turned 20 and feel like im the adult its so frustrating
Hi Abbey it is amazing what lengths a gambler will go to. I've been married to a cg for 19 years and the only thing that stopped him was me going to a gamanon meeting. If you are affected by a gambler in you family you too can go to a gamanon meeting. There will be lots of support and others in your situation waiting to help. If not then call gamcare and ask for some counselling. Being connected to a gambler and finding out how they've lied and turned family members against each other is very upsetting. The next time your father asks for money you have to stay strong. It's perfectly ok to tell someone how much this is damaging you. The best way to help a gambler is to cut off their supply. Give a gambler money he will gamble. They are compulsive liars. They are not malicious they are desperate, troubled people without a hold on reality. They're deluded. Chasing losses, using to get the feeling. Help in any other way but not with money. We've all done it, we want to believe they've stopped. In my experience meetings are the only way. They help me, great support, understanding and advice.
Hi Abbey
I hope you don't mid me commenting, I am a compulsive gambler.
Sadly your Dad is not unique in his deviousness.
I'd like to recommend a book for you, Please Girl by Jeannie Kraft. Its available free (kindle or pc version) on amazon at the minute.
It was written by the daughter of a compulsive gambler, and how she has learned to support her Dad without giving him money.
With the right support your Dad could learn to live without gambling, but there is very little anybody could say or do to persuade him. It is a choice that only he can make.
As you know gambling effects a lot more people than just the gambler. Look at the effects his gambling has had on you. I think it is important for your own well-being that you seek out support for yourself. You are not alone. I've heard from many sources how Gam-anon has helped people in your situation. The best way for you to support your Dad, I think, is to get support for yourself first and foremost. If you can't find the courage to attend gam-anon, I know there is a dedicated family + friends online support group (live chatroom) twice a week at https://gamblingtherapy.org/ you'll have to check for the times.
I know it is dedicated to f+f, I know several people who have used it and said it was invaluable to them.
I gambled a long time Vicky, over 35 years, and I done many shameful things to raise gambling money. When I was gambling I was completely oblivious to "normal things".
I hope as much as you that your Dad sorts himself out, but other than hope there is little else I feel you can do.
Please carefully consider what Merry go round has advised, gam-anon and stay strong and say no next time he asks for money. If he gambles his money its up to him to deal with the consequences. He's your Dad and you love him, you dont want to see him suffering, that I can understand.
Stealing the money from the cards repeatadly over the years is a dirty deed, no doubt about it, it's a shame you had to find out like you did. From his perspective it was easy pickings, like "borrowing" money from you. It's all easy gambling money to get hold of, no thought of the consequences. I know that when I was doing such things, the consequences were never a consideration, my warpped gamblers head had me convinced that this time I would win and make everything right.
Take care of yourself Abbey, please get yourself some support.
Geordie.
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