I wish someone could tell me what to do...

Hi Maggiemay, Hope your feeling a bit better now your back at work and the wee one is doing ok at creche.

I have to say James hit nail on head there with your question about your husbands actions. Most of us gamblers have no emotions to share as we struggle with the debts we rack up and the worry of how we have let everyone else down even when half the time they dont know. As someone said earlier in a post we spin great webs of lies to cover our selves.

Your husband will eventually realise he has a problem he has to admit to question is wether you want to put your life on hold for the weeks to years that may take. Even then just because he admits it doesn't mean its cured, it will then become a constant battle to stay away from it. Like any addiction its so easy to get caught up in again and it could be you that gets hurt each time.

From a personal side if it helps you understand how people with gambling addictions may think i'll share. I've known for a long time i have a problem, never had urge to gamble before but ended up in a relationship that after several years made me run out of funds keepping him in a lifestyle he wanted and i turned to gambling. Over ther last 3 years i have went from a loving caring person who loved life and had a firm grip on my finances to being cold, emotionally distant, peroccupied most of the waking day with how can i sort out this mess, finances and yet still wonering if gambling more is the answer. I made the break in my relationship after 8 years only a few days ago and feel on top of the world like a weight has been lifted and yet still struggle every couple of hours as to do i or dont i have a go on a gambling site, so far 3 days and i have resisted.

I guess what i'm trying to say is your husband-the person you fell in love with is still in there he is just probably so consumed with overwhelming feelings of guilt, frustration and despair if he is in that much debt. It's easier to blame everything around you than take responsibility when you gamble.

I so hope that you can sort things out if thats what you want or move on and be happy if thats what ends up happening but most important out of it all is dont ever feel bad about the situation its not your fault in any way at all xxx

Hey Maggiemay...just thought I would pop in to also offer my support.james and JML can say it from the other side so to speak and explain behaviour that seems perplexing and hurtful to us.

I know it is easier said than done but its a case of not taking it personally.I hope that you and your husband can get through this and you saying you wanted a divorce seems to have made him realise this is serious.

Everyones circumstances are different based on life before gambling,history,children etc etc.My relationship was broken after 2 years and there were other issues but it is not the case for everyone.I do believe that relationships can be salvaged and a couple become stronger..maybe not go back to how you were but be on a stronger better footing?

Despite being single now I keep posting and reading and supporting other CGs too by just being there and reminding myself that people are not all the same despite maybe sharing a common compulsion...

As you know ..no one can tell you what to do..only you know that...sometimes we can force an outcome out of desparation and knee j**k , in my case it was necessary for you it may not be.

Sometimes making a decision to "not make a decision" can be better...it takes the pressure off and allow you to see how you feel over a longer period of time..only you will know and it will take time to recover for you both rebuild on a solid foundation if thats what you both want.

Take care maggiemay...thinking of you ..i know how you feel xxx Rach and Dotty

Hi everyone i am just updating my post again. Well i am attending marriage counselling alone and worked out that i want to give our marriage another go, Trying to change my own behavious such as not always putting my baby's' needs before my husbands, trying not to tell my husband what to do all the time and to listen to him even though he doesn't talk too much about feelings. So we were spending time together each weekend as a family and went on one date. i gave him a valentine's card but i didn't get one in return. We have spent some lovely family outings together and gotten on well. we go on lunch dates during the week and we are in contact on the phone, email and texts with no strain or tension. he gives me some money each month towards repaying the debt and i am tackling household bills and paying for our son's childcare costs. But this has all come to an end again. my husband is currently living with his parents, which i greatly resent. his car is now written off - this is another cost we will have to meet. he heads out to our maital home 40 kms away about once a week to check on it. Yesterday i thought we were spending the afternoon together but apparently he thought he was to come over after 6. he was out at our marital home and was in foul humour because it is unfinished, half painted and has a layer of dust. i tried to cheer him up, offered to take a day off next week to clean it up, oferred to take a week off in april to finish painting it. On monday at lunchtime i asked him to move back in with us and try again but am still awaiting an answer. well yesterday i think i got my answer. he ate me without salt, told me i am the most negative person he knows, that he doesn't know the person i desribe him to be and noone else says that about him. All i had said was i find it impossible to get a reaction from him, trying to get him to see soltions, to be positive is like hitting my head against a brick wall. I just got so upset, i sobbed my heart out and he left me to it up in my room, when i came down to give him his dinner he acussed me of doing nothing nice for him ever. the argments are vicious, his comments are so nasty. I had enough so i trned off all the lights, got ready for bed and opened the door for him to leave. he texted to apologise but i have told him that i either want to move on or if he wants to give it a go he has to start to treat me like a person he loves. He ignored my text and texted this morning a casual text as to how we were and we were welcome to go watch his match. I am done done done. i cannot go through this anymore. what can i do. how can i maintain good relations for our son's sake without being treated as a doormat. as it is he comes to my house whenever he wants, leaves whenever he wants and wants me to thank him for the housework he does, changing his son's nappt, washing his dog whtever. it appears to me he greatly resents me, i wouldn't dare mention gambling as i am quickly cut off. he says he doesn't know how he feels about me, he doesn't know what i shoud do to change. listening to myself i am pathetic and i am letting him walk all over me but i dont want this life of a single parent. i love him and i wanted a family life but i believe he does not care for me anymore and its just so unfair. i am starting to think he only married me to keep his gambling a secret.. so thats where i am at. 5 months of solid torture and nothing but resentment and hatred. i am sick of it.

Hi Maggie....have read through your post here but it already sounds that you are on your own anyway.

You said you are going to marriage guidance counselling and I did a similer thing but wasnt married ....the end of your post you mention about the emotions of resentment and hatred you have felt from it all.

I have no advice to offer or to say here only that it will eventually come down to how much you can cope with without going under yourself.

You are right to focus on your baby as whatever happens your baby is your future for ever even if your husband goes along a different path.

That is all you can do at this point and you are in thee thick of it.As you don't live together I would suggest only that you develop a strong network of people around you that can add some joy to your life and friendship...maybe mum and baby groups/coffee mornings /Pamper Mum activities that make sure you are getting some TLC in the absence of not getting support...

(ignore that if you do already)

Just keep posting maggie...the good and the bad ...and keep connected..The net line services are also brilliant too.

All the best for now ...take care Rachel x

Hi its me back again for another update. Things are looking up. My husband has moved in with me and we have started to live together as a couple again. Life is certainly a bit easier than it was as a single parent. However my greatest fear is that in a year or two or more I will be back here again skint and owing money to everyone and too afraid to go to a financial institution for a loan because of the damage I fear has been done to my credit rating. I also don't want to live checking pockets, post, internet histories, texts, listening into phone calls, asking trick questions and doubting all answers. So please does anyone have any practial advice o. How I can best protect me and my son just in case. I have asked my husband to set up a joint account with me specifically to pay bills eg mortgage, insurances, groceries, presents, and of course the main priority debts. In the future I hope to save from this account. We would each keep a current personal account to be paid into. Is this the right thing to do. I am grand holding here his argument is there is no spare money end of and we both know outgoings. He wants to keep a personal home loan he took out before he met me and hopes his mother will give him a car loan as his own is bandaged. I won't move back to our marital home until this is sorted. Any advice on a practical scale pretty please!

Another update. Well it didn't last. I took the past week off to pack all my things up and move back to our marital home. My husband didn't take ant time off to help. I should have known better. While delivering our babies cot I found a very thick 02 bill and he had been texting a woman all day and night. Hundreds of texts. I confronted him that night and to be honest I totally and utterly lost it. He is moves back to his parents now and once again I am moving house. This time I am taking everything I own but it is hard with a baby and working full time. Next time I get paid I will order a removal truck for furniture. Three days later I found some bills from the revenue looking for over 7 grand. More lies. He said the girl he was texting was just an escape and nothing ever happened but I can't believe him any more and anyway it's just not good enough. He is still blaming me though saying we have hurt eachother, that I emotionally abused him, that I distanced myself from him and was obsessed with my baby. I he says he is leaving because he can't bear to be around here as I have told so many people. I feel bad. I did distance myself but he started it and o believe he never stopped gambling at all. I can't live my life this way. It's horrendous drama, blame, controlling, skint, I've had enough. I just want to move on now and make the best of it. I regret I ever married him except for the fact we have a beautiful boy. How do I cope with taking all his blame and anger. I already feel bad enough about it all

Hi maggiemay, you do not need to cope with the guilt, because you are not guilty.

I 100% understand the guilt, I feel it too (I have just split from my fiancé and we have 2 small kiddies). The nastier they get, the worse we feel about ourselves. I have no idea why we continue to put ourselves through it?

I completely understand that you wanted to be a family, you don't start a family thinking I want to be a single mum, but as much as we want it, it has to be a 2 way street.

Funnily enough, my ex seems to blame me for his gambling (am still trying to wk that one out) but at the end of the day, I think they say these things because they do live in a fantasy world, and cannot admit to any wrong doing as it would be admitting their gambling problem.

When you mentioned that he says you are distant, this rings true for me too. I was even branded a robot, void of any emotion! But I do think we distance ourselves and put up a barrier so that the next time we won't be hurt as much, but it never quite works out that way 🙁

Look after yourself and your baby. Sadly I cannot offer any advice, but I can say that I know exactly how you feel. The pain is unbelievable, and just when you pick yourself up, you crumble all over again.

I have found this forum a really great comfort as I don't feel so alone. Finally there are people who understand exactly where I am coming from that don't call me stupid because I tried that 1 last time to save my relationship. You can love the man minus the gambling but whether you can keep a relationship going through it is a complete different ball game!

Sorry to have waffled on, I hope I haven't confused you further. I just wanted to give you a BIG HUG and tell you that you are not alone.

K x