Hi, this is my first post.
I've been with my husband For The Last 15 years, married for 10. We have 2 children together aged 10 and 12.
When we met he was in shared accomodation. He didn't have a lot to his name. I had my own house which I lived in with my 15 year old son. I had payed my previous husband off so I could keep the house. After a year my husband moved in with me and my son.
Soon after our first child came along. After she was born debt collection letters came to the house. I asked my husband what they were and he said 'nothing to worry about they've made a mistake' He insisted he was sorting it and was paying his debts monthy.
I took his word for it, it was never mentioned again. Later I found his bank statements and saw he was paying ВЈ850 a month to credit companies and on loans, he told me it was due to the messy break up with his ex wife. I helped him consolidate the loans, he paid £15000 over three years. He could never get any credit and anything we wanted I took out loans.
Our second child came along, I thought everything was settled and we carried on with our lives.
In April 2016 I opened his bank statement by mistake. He had racked up a £5000 overdraft.
I asked how this had happened, where was the money. He started to shake and said he had a problem. He had maxed 3 credit cards, just opened another and also had a ВЈ15,000 loan. Approx £35,000 in total.
I told his parents as I felt they needed to know. His mum's reaction was 'I thought he had knocked that on the head' I was devastated, felt so deceived and betrayed. How did I not know this was going on right under my nose.
I panicked as I hate owing money. I paid his overdraft off and borrowed £16,000 off my mum to pay off his credit cards.
He seemed instantly relieved.
A few days later I had second thoughts about taking my mum's money and gave it back to her. I told him this and said he had to sort it himself.
He put things in place and started paying £1100 a month on debt.
He has paid off two cards but still owes ВЈ7000 And £11,000 on the loan. It's going to take years to pay it off.
I feel such a fool, my life with him has been a total lie. He has never had any savings since the day I met him. He has only ever given me house keeping and we shared the food shopping. He never buys anything for himself, clothes, shoes etc which means the majority of his wages for the last 15 years has gone towards gambling. He must thrown away at least ВЈ1000 a month. It makes me sick to my stomach, as this amounts to over £100,000+. we could have been mortgage free and our kids could have had and done so much.
Why did I ignore the signs why am I so stupid. He has never been very talkative and I have felt like a lone parent for a lot of our marriage. He never does anything with the kids and I feel they have been neglected by him. I now know he has been pre occupied and fighting his demons to the detrement of his family.
I chose to stay and support him but it has been such a struggle coping with the deceit and I feel I have been robbed of parts of my life. He did attend game care counselling a few times and I had access to his bank account. I felt I had to do this on the sly checking his phone when it was left unattended. This isn't often as it's always glued to his hand.
I wake up feeling sick every day wondering if he's doing it again. Over the last year he hasn't been paying what he should have on his credit card. He was supposed to get printed bank statements sent to the house. These never materialised, he said they never came so he didn't bother in the end. I'm fed up with checking up on every thing, I feel like his mother not his wife.
I'm ratty with the kids and can't concentrate at work. I can't sleep and have lost loads of weight. I've asked him to leave now. The trust has gone, I'm done but feel so guilty.
Hi pegs you are not to blame. None of this is your fault. In some ways you sound very similar to me, being deceived and amounts of money. You have looked after you children and held things together. That is nothing to feel bad about. I've been having counselling, I've said all those things. 'I'm a fool', 'stupid ' 'why did I stay' . Stop punishing yourself. A cg does everything they can to not be found out. Unfortunately he's been continuing and you have been paying for the real things in life. You have every right to say enough is enough. Call gamcare and get some help and support for you. Regardless of whether he stays or goes you have been hugely affected by his behaviour. Gamcare have free counselling for you too. Also get credit reports to see if there is more debt and get some control. Safeguard your finances, no more bailouts, no access to joint accounts. This is not your fault.
Thanks merry go round for your response. I'm so sorry you are going through and have been in this situation too.
It is so sad that this problem causes so much heart ache and pain for so many people, friends, family and the cg.
None of us asked for this but why do we feel like the guilty ones, why do we worry ourselves sick over things we cannot control.
My husband will be leaving soon but I feel sick and anxious that he will fail and end up broke and alone. I dont know how he will cope living alone after 15 years without me and our children.
I have pangs of anxiety worrying I am making a mistake but I can't continue living this way.
He doesn't seem that bothered he will be moving out, he has just gone through the motions looking for a flat, actually he is emotionless. Is this the gambling? Does he just want to go so he can do what he likes? I don't know.
He has never been a great communicator, we have never argued, if I've got annoyed trying to get my point across he walks away. Is this a gambling thing or him. He has no interest in anything, no hobbies, doesn't care about doing anything. I've been at my wits end getting deeper and deeper into a depressive state, withdrawn, miserable, weight loss, not eating , he doesn't even notice or chooses not to. Quite sad really that im the one whose done all the worrying and ended up on antidepressants while he continues his life oblivious.
I've told him he should speak to a counsellor as I think he is depressed and cant be happy living this way, yet again no response.
I suppose I'll have to wait and see what happens when he moves out.
Hi pegs, yes the gambler. All those things, emotionless, walk away, no self worth. The gambling bubble. It's where they go to hide, cope, feel better, escape. Inability to cope with reality. Self loathing, fear. If he has no intention if stopping this will just get worse. Why do you feel guilty? You have done nothing but try to help. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. They have to help themselves. It's the same with all addicts. The best thing is for you to look after yourself. Have you sought any help? Get some support, call gamcare, a meeting, family. Trust yourself and your judgement.
Hi Pegs66
How very sad that you have found yourself in this situation. I hope I can give you an insight from a gamblers point of view. I almost lost my family, home and all my money to gambling. That is only part of it, as losing the money and having to hide it from my wife has caused me to lie, cheat and be deceitful in order to cover my tracks. I hated myself for turning into someone with no confidence, low self esteem and generally hating myself. I used to be a confident, positive person but gambling stripped it all away.
In the end I confessed to my wife absolutely everything, and told her to ask me anything about where and when I was gambling and how much I lost. She now has full control of all my finances, and I really mean everything, credit cards, debit card, online banking, pin numbers etc. She also has full access to all my credit files to ensure I have no secret credit cards or loans I have not told her about. I am 100% honest and open with my wife about everything now and and I feel so much better as a person again and we are much closer as a couple. We both agree that she must control all finances forever which so far has proven to be a great move. All is good for me now but I am still recovering.
Please believe you are doing the right thing asking him to move out, he is clearly in denial and not helping you or himself. I was so ashamed to admit to my wife about my problem and continued to deny. She threw me out and in time I contacted gamcare and realised what I already knew, that I had a gambling problem that willpower alone could not beat it. From that point I was able to make drastic changes to save my marriage and all the things that I value most.
The fact that you and your husband never argue and he just walks away is not normal, every marriage has disagreements. He never communicates and has no interest in anything except gambling, You have clearly tried but to no avail. Look after yourself now. Maybe when he is sat in a grotty flat or bedsit having lost you and in massive debt, he will then finally admit to having a problem and seek the help he desperately needs. He must help himself, nobody can do it for him.
Sorry for such a long post but I thought it may help to give a detailed response from a gambler, who has got the available help like many others on here.
Thanks.
Thanks again merry go round for your reply and giving me an incite into the traits of the gambling bubble.
Greenflash thank you for your post. I am so glad things are working out for you and I hope it continues for many years to come.
I've taken in what you've said and only time will tell. He will be moving out soon so I'll have to sort out my finances and move forward.
He is so silly as he has a lovely family but I don't think he's ever really noticed.
I wish you well and thanks again.
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