My OH has had a gambling problem for around a year. After the first few months his family and I found out and together we managed to get through and we were under the impression that he had stopped.
Around two months ago he began betting again, only small amounts - £20 a time but he was losing, when I confronted him he told me that he only had to make £5 a day and everything would be fine and he would get angry at my concern and the fact that I wasn't happy about it. After plenty of arguments he promised he would stop and said that if he ever began again he would leave me as he said I deserve better.
About a month ago I lent him in total around £400 because he had a lot to pay for and his car was having problems. A few days ago I found out that he was betting again, which means that I was innocently funding his habit. He says that he needs help but he will only talk to his mum and let her help him. I have tried telling him that I deserve to know but he will not tell me anything - I am heartbroken as I have been the one with him through it all and he won't even talk to me. The worst part is that I can't be sure that he's even getting help and I feel like this is all my fault as I gave him the money. I feel like if I ask his mum if he's really getting the help he needs, it is betrayal to him, but he has been lying to me for around a year now on and off so I just can't trust him on this.
He is the love of my life and I will go to the end of the earth to help him and I am heartbroken that he has lied to me again! I need advice, please please please.
Hi Anonon...sorry for your pain. Your OH is a compulsive gambler and unfortunately they lie. Not to hurt you but to keep the addiction going. When they are actively gambling loved ones come a distant second. All the love in the world will not make him stop gambling.
I found I had to re-think what loving my son meant. Because I loved him I learned to call him on his BS, I learned to not give him money "just this once until payday", I learned I didn't have to keep his secrets and most importantly that if he thought all these things meant I didn't love him ... well I could live with that.
A CG will stay in the game as long as they have an enabler.
See if you can find a Gam Anon in your area or some other type of support... this is hard to do alone.
Cathyx
A compulsive gambler will not stop gambling without professional group therapy or face to face therapy with a specialist. A compulsive gambler will lie and lie and lie in order to continue gambling secretly. It is hard to explain to someone how someone can go against your wishes and lie frequently to you, but still tell you that they love you, but this is the case. They lie to you every day. They take your money and then they waste it away. They break your heart over and over, yet they still love you.
When a compulsive gambler gambles something happens to them inside their heads. Its like a thick cloud fills their head, blocking out their thoughts and their feelings. Once the gambling starts their is no way of them thinking about the damage they are doing at the time, because the cloud is blocking all thought processess. They may have a brief moment of "maybe I should stop this", but it is only brief, then the cloud takes over, fills that clear space in their heads that allowed them a moment to think rationally.
It is really hard to give you advice on what to do, not without knowing the people involved. You have to do what you feel is right, not what you feel he wants you to do. You can only put up with so much and then you have to draw a line. Personally I think you should approach his mother and tell her exactly what she needs to hear. Do not worry how he will react. He should have the sense to know you are doing it for him in the long run. If he is not getting help from his mum, and he refuses to get help from a face to face specialist, you need to give him an ultimatum. Just remember if he is worth holding on to the ultimatum will get him to come round in the end. Sometimes we have to lose what we have in order to realise what we had.
Do not blame yourself you feeding him with money to gamble. You are not the blame for anything, trust me I know! He said he will leave you if he continues to gamble. Do not listen to that. What you need to do is tell him that unless he seeks professional help ( you by his side ) you will be leaving him. You need to be strong and deliver this ultimatum with confidence and the belief that this is the best and only way to deal with this matter if you want any hope of a happy future with this guy.
I am a compulsive gambler and I have gambled for over 25 years. I have lied through my teeth to my mother and to my loved ones in order to get what I want. I love my mum. She is all I have, but the grey cloud takes over and I am powerless. No longer do I have a loved one. I dont have to tell you why. You already know why. Yesterday I made my first steps to help myself. I went to the doctors and now I have appointments in place for my gambling and my depression. My mum always bails me out, for years, but she has told me that it is going to stop as she cant take it any more. So you see I have my ultimatum, and the love for my loved ones was powerful enough to break through the cloud. After 25 years of pain and heartache I am now prepared to do something about it. It is too late to cling on to my lover, shes long gone, but I can still cling on to my mum.
I wish you well in your quest to help your lover. You are getting advice from the horses mouth right here. You need to relate to my situation and be strong. If you do not put it on the line to him then you will live a life of mysery, and so will he. God bless.....Markus...42yrs.......Unhappy but hopeful.............
Sorry to hear that.
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